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Jan 2020 · 158
The Truth
Rachelhopeful Jan 2020
The truth is
I got tired of pretending
I was happy with you
When the part inside of me
That hated you so
Grew so much
That it couldn’t
Be contained
Jan 2020 · 151
A Wise Woman
Rachelhopeful Jan 2020
A wise woman once told me
“Don’t ever go to bed angry”
I knew we were wrong,
went to bed, closed the door
With anger towards you
In my head
Didn’t want you in my bed!
Jan 2020 · 229
Is love cruel?
Rachelhopeful Jan 2020
Is love cruel
To you?
Your love was cruel to me
Jan 2020 · 48
Rachelhopeful Jan 2020
Thinking your self worth
Is in dollar signs
Narcissists value money over people  including his own children
Jan 2020 · 50
What is Anger?
Rachelhopeful Jan 2020
Anger is hurt
Hurt doesn’t
to be angry
Hurt can just be
Sadness can heal
But anger
And grows
It is ok to be sad, it is ok to get angey.  The problem is suppressing anger which just grows more anger. Love is always the answer especially self love
Rachelhopeful Jan 2020
I tried to leave you many times
The loneliness swallowed me whole
Until I felt weak and beaten
You won, you were right
I believed the hateful words
you called me
I lost my self respect
You stripped me bare
Until the day came
When the truth exploded
Like the spirit within
The air
Is light
Without you
I can breathe
for the first time
Truth....when I kicked his *** out the air felt light like a feather
Jan 2020 · 160
I am a garden
Rachelhopeful Jan 2020
I am a garden exploding with flowers,
Like a work of art
but your eyes were closed and
You didn’t care to listen to my thoughts,
You cursed me when I begged you to stop...
spelled your curse words...
Your so smart
I’m a landscape designer and really connect spiritually in the garden. I begged my narcissist to stop calling me names which included every name in the book. Once I started counseling, I demanded that he stop cursing me so he would spell out your a “B I T C H.” He’s an attorney so he thinks he’s smarter than everyone.
Jan 2020 · 163
Rachelhopeful Jan 2020
I TOOK it and HEARD it
And tried to forgive,
Forgive the last time, or time before,
Forgive all the hurt
But I couldn’t take it anymore
Now the only person
I need to forgive is myself
For trusting a monster
Who is in love with himself
I was taught to be forgiving so I forgave horrific and abusive behavior over and over again always hoping it would be better but things escalated as I became more tolerant of abuse and he became more violent.
Jan 2020 · 241
If he truly loved me
Rachelhopeful Jan 2020
If he truly
Loved me
Than he would
Have been
More kind
When my
Dear brother
The narcissist said awful things to me after my brother ended his life.
Narcissists have no real emotions and are incapable of empathy.
Jan 2020 · 125
Honesty and Trust
Rachelhopeful Jan 2020
I began with honesty, trust
An open heart
The door closed little by little
Every time you burst
Jan 2020 · 46
My bed
Rachelhopeful Jan 2020
My bed is for love
Which is why
Our children slept
With me
My kids also felt safest sleeping in bed with me because He was abusive
Rachelhopeful Dec 2019
Poetry by Damian D. my boyfriend of 2 years after a 16 year relationship with a pathological narcissist

To give you what you need...
And appreciate everything that you breathe...
So desire to be that peaceful heart,
Perfectly easy with you...
And what I care about
Most ultimately is for you to be truly happy and free
To experience life free
From negativity...
Free to reflect your true beauty
And see you shine...
I see your success...
Your natural drive,
Business smarts
Selflessness strength
And courage mixed with your innate desire for unity
And peacefulness....
I see your ultimate success being achieved
In the near future...
I’d partner with you in an adventurous endeavor...
Unsettle all your issues and I’ll look for an amazing place to create an amazing way of life...
It’s been hard for me to function properly
With you,,, and I apologize sincerely ...and hope you know I cherish you.
Damian and I are still friends.  The chaos of my life was too much for him so he moved and we parted knowing it was the right thing for both of us at that time.  I will treasure Damian always for the beautiful life  we shared and our creative energy which was through poetry and work where we did landscape design.  He was my bridge over rough waters.
Dec 2019 · 65
Dang Dame Vixen
Rachelhopeful Dec 2019
Dang Dame ***** by Damian D.(my boyfriend of 2 years after the break up with a pathological narcissist of 16 years)

Dang Dame *****...
You look incredible
Hot day in the middle of the winter....
Santa put you on the naughty list
The perfect gift in the new year
Can’t wait to count the days with you...
Count the stars....singstar...
Your like my favorite candy...
Everlasting gobstopper ....
Next best Milky Way
Xoxo you
like I know you...
I can feel every piece of light
You shine
Poetry by Damian D.
Dec 2019 · 174
Your Soul is Tattered
Rachelhopeful Dec 2019
Poetry By Damian D. (my boyfriend of 2 years after the 16 year relationship with a pathological narcissist)

Your Soul is Tattered

Listen up before you get lit up
Your not a tough guy
Your weak and feeble
Just straight evil
Money don’t equate to ego
So it doesn’t matter
How much you gather
Your soul is tattered
From how you get it
Emptiness never forget
I’ll leave you battered
And a mess
You should have left easy
But all you do is quest
To theft thieving
No you don’t respect
The fact you got nothing left
Your best friend two times
Now you forget he’s smiling down
On his love
He left too soon
And all you do is consume
What he left
A wicked toon
U vile human
Doomed to dwell in hell
Forever sing the blues
Out of tune singing
You ruin every bit of goodness
In another being
Though I am no longer with Damian in part due to the chaos with my  narcissist EX, I am forever grateful for the beautiful relationship we shared and how Damian was there for me when I was most scared.
Dec 2019 · 154
The Key
Rachelhopeful Dec 2019

Please Dear G-d
Make him go
For he hurts me so...
I cried too many times,
"please stop, GO, leave me alone"
Stop yelling, putting me down
Hurting me so...
It wasn't all mental
It was physical too
Hurt my child
I didn't know..
I'll never forgive him..
To prey upon the weak
what does it mean
To hurt a child
Threaten my life
It means you are meek
And why?
Because you are tormented inside
A liar and a thief,
Please spirit above
Give me relief and peace

I am a lover, giver and want to be free
He took advantage of the good in me
But not anymore
He needs to let go
Stop controlling me
Everyone please pray for me..
I don't want much
Just a simple life you see
Filed with people who love and care for me

You get what you give
And know one can deny
I give and love freely
I believe you will see why
For that is my nature to nurture and care
I will pray and you will see
That soon I will be there
Hopefully the blessing inside
is that he will eventually understand why
Why I needed to leave
from his control over me
For Now, PROUDLY I hold the key
Thankfully now I am free
Nov 2019 · 119
Rachelhopeful Nov 2019

My colors shall shine true...
I like purple, orange and pink too
But blue makes me stop and think...
So sadly beautiful
The blue ink.

Hurts and sadness still alive...
Hurts that will never die...
For they are inscribed inside
Regret for my brother,
Dear GOD ....What could I have done?
With his crystal, sweet eyes of blue
Took a gun...
The shock and shot end his pain
So deeply Sorry
My brother
that you didn't see it any other way...
I know the deep dark feelings of navy blue
Than black...
Your black,
You ain't never coming back

My dear brother
I have deeply felt your pain
Even wanted to shoot a gun straight into my brain
Or maybe a silk scarf tied tightly around my neck
Hang a rope from a tree
see me swaying
So pain free ....

But today there is a light
A rainbow so close I could touch it..
They say rainbows are spirits saying hello..
Thank you Jonas...I miss you so...
The darkness I felt after the suicide death of my dear brother in 2012.
I am in a better place today, but his passing almost destroyed me
Nov 2019 · 153
You’re a disgrace
Rachelhopeful Nov 2019
You'll commit my suicide
You'll push me until I die
You hurt my children
called me every name in the book
Told me you loved me
But that wasn't love
It was control
You'll steal the air I breath
You'll take my home
Strip me bare
You'll strangle and choke me
Try to throw a TV on me
Lie to your family and friends
Awww...poor You
Punch holes in the walls
Beat down my child
Yes, I smiled to show grace
But underneath, I was a beaten woman
Who loved and trusted you
You’re a disgrace
Nov 2019 · 162
The Winner
Rachelhopeful Nov 2019
Your not always right
And you are not always
The winner
Or your always right
And you still not
The winner
Nov 2019 · 104
Thorns through her skin
Rachelhopeful Nov 2019
The years of abuse planted a seed
That grew like an uncontrollable ****.
Tangled with hurt and sadness
Buried alive inside
Thorns of anger grew through her skin
Too much to keep buried within
So painful no one could come near
As seasons changed
The weeds and thorns died
And seeds of wisdom, love
And forgiveness thrived inside
With skin so soft
And mind so free
She evolved strong and gracefully
as a beautiful dogwood tree.
Rachelhopeful Nov 2019
Silly boy
Dressed like a girl
Because it brought him joy
Ashamed he cried
For years
Lived a lie
And felt he died inside
Who cares what others think?
Even if you do not
Know why
The girl
wants to
Come outside
Nov 2019 · 87
Rachelhopeful Nov 2019
I AM all that is
and all that was
And all that will ever be.

I am the sun
The stars
And sea

I am infinity
I am infinite wisdom
All knowing
And free

I am love
Love is me
I am you
And you are me

I am we
and uniquely me

I am a mother,
And child
Born to be free

I am your child
I am the seed

I am the present
The past
the future
Of all that will be
I am light
The infinite source
all beings

If I am you and you are me
Why can’t we coexist peacefully?
Belief that all beings are connected
Nov 2019 · 116
Rachelhopeful Nov 2019
My fear of you
manifested and grew
I didn’t break down
I broke through
I didn’t retaliate
And spite you
I just spoke the truth
How could I be blind
To abuse?
It was a familiarity
I grew accustomed to
Blind to my own life of abuse but now awakened
Nov 2019 · 127
The Big Man
Rachelhopeful Nov 2019
I left you.
You didn’t love me
You loved that I made you
look like a big man
The narcissistic image
Nov 2019 · 808
Learning to Love Myself
Rachelhopeful Nov 2019
I tried to love you
But couldn’t anymore
Because Loving you
Meant hating myself.
Learning to love myself
Learning self love after a lifetime of narcissistic abuse
Nov 2019 · 71
Who are you?
Rachelhopeful Nov 2019
Who are you
Two faces
But true to none
The narcissist doesn’t even know who they are
Nov 2019 · 123
Rachelhopeful Nov 2019
I grieved the relationship
we never were
Because you only love yourself
When I finally left
My grieving for
Us was done.
Mar 2018 · 156
The Narcissistic Cycle
Rachelhopeful Mar 2018

I got your game,
I know your name.
Your the covert Narcissist
Who likes to shame.
Your game to blame,
And make others feel pain.
To feed your sick and twisted brain.
Your always right
And there is no use for me to fight.
Your not capable of love
You think your above.
But you lost me
And now you can never
Control me.
That must torture you so...
I hurt your ego when I told you to go.
Now your devil horns
are starting to grow and show.
You hurt my innocent friend
And even your own children.
You come after me rage-full.
I never wanted to expose  
Your deep secret
That you dress as a woman
Who calls herself “Angel”.

He’s just like my narcissistic mother,
With her twisted words
She killed my brother.
By filing his sweet mind
With a lifetime of doubt
He saw no other way out.
Now she blames me
With her verbal assault
Certainly it’s not her fault.

My brother’s spirit lives inside
And gives me strength to survive.

I clearly see the
Narcissistic cycle of my life.
My mean mother always
called me a *****
And created imagined strife.
Now she’s turned on my daughter.
Abuse me,
But hurt my daughter and
You’ve hit my boundary.
I do not believe
Her lies and predictions.
It’s Mommy Dearest
With the pathological condition.

How could I be so blind?
That I didn’t realize
the man
I trusted to father my children
Is the most evil devil.
He is so dangerous
And scares me so
He’s out of the home
But last week tried to
run me off the road
I hate myself for being
Stupid, needy and kind
I cry and cry
Because I was blind
twisted my words,
My thoughts
His harem of family and friends
He’s convinced
That I’m the crazy one
To no end.
I struggle every day
Because he will not go away.
Written at this point of my life when I finally realized my patterns of codependency since childhood narcissistic abuse.  Feeling foolishly manipulated.

— The End —