My chest hurts so much
All I want to do is scream and to bleed
How much longer do I have to feel like this?
Why do I have to suffer?
It suffocates me
It makes me think things I wish I didn't
It makes me feel things I can't physically and mentally handle
It hurts
Make it stop...
Please just make it stop.

It's been a long journey to find myself..
Dark thoughts and self harm along the way..
Demons scratch at the fragile walls of sanity..
When will I find peace?
When will I be happy?
This dysphoric feeling of confusion..
Who am I?
What am I?
Where do I belong?
Am I her or am I him?
It was so confusing at first..
But now I see.. I am him.. will this make me happy? Darkness threatens me. The demons continue to claw, making me more fragile..
It's hard to pretend to feel..
To feel anything other than pain and emptiness..
But the journey must continue..
For I want to be happy.

Days go by without you.
The pain never stops.
How long must I continue without you?
I miss you big brother... Don't leave me.
Hug me like you used to and cry with me...
My love for you never falters.
So, please, stay by my side.
Watch over me.
Protect me.
I miss you.

I hurt when I see you with him.
Is this jealousy I'm feeling?
My thoughts of you two together.
Ha! That's my dark place.
I'm really greedy when it comes to you.
I want you all to myself.
But I'm scared I might ruin things between us.
All I want is for these painful feelings to go away.
I'm tired and I just want to sleep.
Should I tell you my feelings?
No.
I'll just sit quietly in the background and watch over you like I always do.
Can I be happy with you by my side and no one else?
I guess not...
Will you ever notice my feelings?
Not a chance.
You're too busy thinking only of your fiancee.
It's a sin for me to be who I am.
Falling in love with my big sisters best friend... a girl at that.
Why am I even here?
I'll just be pulled blindly by my love.
Maybe I should just give up.
Tried that.
Maybe I should just branch off from you.
You won't let me do that again.
Why do you keep me so close when you know I'm not the straightest person on earth?
Is there more meaning to us acting our couples?
Surely not.
It's just for fun...
I hurt.
I'm tired.
I'm jealous.
I cant let you know.
I'll just suffer alone like normal.
When I'm with you I feel happy and myself.
But when he comes along my world fades to blacks and grays.
I've never felt like this about anyone before.
I may say that alot about the people I'm with but this is different.
I'm sure.
Please.
Please help me escape these suffocating feelings.
My chest hurts all the time.
I play it off as an anxiety attack.
Or I'll just say I'm fine.
I feel numb and shaky at the same time.
All I can do is cry to myself.
I'm done.
I cant deal with it anymore.
I want it to stop.
You'll never return my feelings.
For one you are straight.
For two you are engaged.
For three you only see me as my sisters little sister...
I know I'm being selfish when I think of these things...
But I cant help it.
I dont want to help it.
Dont look at me like that.
Like that of a little sister.
It hurts.
Dont act the couples with me and not mean it.
It hurts.
Please stop talking about him around me.
It hurts.
I dont want to hear of the family you'll make with him...
It hurts... alot.
When I see you two together... I see a perfect couple.
It makes me tear up.
I will never have that with you.
I told you I cut for a different reason than what I really do it for.
I cut because of my pain I feel about you two.
Please dont hold that against me.
Dont hate me for these sinful thoughts.
It's what I feel.
It confuses me.
Why you?
Why someone who is meant to be married to her lover?
Why was I born to be sinful?
I question my life all the time
What are you doing right now?
Probably "spending time" with him before work.
Being lovers.
I'll just stay in your shadow.
Forever unnoticed.
I have wishful thinking that someday you'll turn your beautiful eyes towards me with love.
chuckles Like I said.
Wishful thinking.
I always get my hopes up.
When we act and you breathe next to my face... my heart stops.
When you cuddle into me or the other way around... I feel like its natural.
This could all be my heart yearning for love so young.
I'm not surprised.
More like I hate it.
I dont want to be like this.
Maybe I should end it?
No... I could never really do it.
I'm happy just being close to you when I can.
I'll wait for the day when I'm not needed anymore.
Waiting...
Waiting..
Waiting.
When?
Why won't you let me be how I was?
Am I really important to you like how I want it to be? Or is it because I'm your friend and best friends little sister?
When I look through your eyes... I see a deep hidden pain from your past.
All the things you tell me is just a small portion of how you really feel.
I may not have gone through what you have but I can relate to a degree.
I love the feeling of you close to me.
Man I sound like a freak.
But it's who I am.
A freak.
A walking sin.
A nobody.
Whatever.
I'm used to these alien feelings.
Or I should be.
I used to be numb all the time and in my own world.
But that all changed when we grew closer.
Why did we have to get closer?
Why?!
I knew from the first time we really hung out just the two of us that my world would change.
I would change.
Now I want to change back.
For good.
I'll be fine.
I'm always fine.
I'll be fine till the day I end my own life.
Then I'll be free from the pain I feel in my heart.
When you have a family of your own will you forget about me?
I'm scared.
I dont want to be alone.
I want you hear with me.
Promise?
Haha people always promise things.
They never keep them.
Dont get my hopes up.
Remember how I always say you look fine?
I love everything about you.
The way you look.
The way you speak.
The way you walk.
How smart you are.
How you have goals for yourself.
How even though you say you're not a nice person you still are there for me...
How is that not nice?
It makes me feel loved.
Believe it or not.
When you cut I get ******.
I have no room to talk because I do it too.
But I wish you wouldn't hurt yourself...
I will say.
I'll love you even when you are scarred or you hate me.
I want to be there for you.
When you are happy.
Sad.
******.
Alone.
Confused.
In your own world.
I may not be able to talk about it well but I'll listen.
I love watching every face you make.
Or how you feel when you play the guitar.
I want to be that person that is there for you when you need someone.
But you already have him...
That won't stop me from helping in the background.
I dont want you to feel alone when people aren't around.
I'll be there by your side.
I want to do anything that I can to get your attention but I must be silent.
Is this Gods way of testing me?
Is this his way of punishing me for sinning?
Will he make it worse the closer we get?
Please dont take her laugh away from me.
Please dont take her smile away from me.
I dont understand what he has in store but I dont know if I have the strength.
Will you be my strength?
Or will you be my downfall?
I guess time will only tell.
I'll leave it off with one more thing to say...

I love you.

No matter how crowded or busy it was you always stuck out.
When we first met I didn't think much of you.
All of these years I was blind to this feeling called love.
I'm in love?
How do I know if I'm really feeling this way?
I feel happy when you're near.
My chest and heart feels heavy when we are apart.
I look forward to your texts.
Jealousy rises when you are with your lover or someone else.
Is this what it is like?
Does being in love confuse you to no end?
All I feel when I'm with you is happy and confused emotions.
Anger.
This all too familiar emotion.
I know its wrong...
You fill my mind 24/7.
Why are you doing this to me?
You dont even realize what you are doing...
This is how it should be.
I'm forever lost in the darkness of my own heart and mind.
You are the only one that can save me...
But unfortunately you dont have the key to my locked self.
Its locked away with me.
Please.
Unlock the door.
Release me from my shackles of pain and jealousy.
How much more can I mentally and emotionally take?
Not much more...
Is it alright if I lose this fight?
We don't always win.
My heart is ****** to wonder the deepest parts of hell.
Where am I?
It's dark and cold...
Oh right.
Hell.
My own personal hell.
It's not that of what others see it as.
My eyes see nothing but negative emotions.
All from my own heart.
When I try to think of you I think of him with you.
I'm ******.
Upset.
Alone.
These shackles grow heavier the more you get closer with him.
Your love is like sacred water to me.
My greediness is thick when it comes to you.
I'm sorry...
Why does it have to be him?
I wish you would break it off.
Choose me instead.
These are my sinful thoughts.
But as long as you're happy...
That's all I can ask for.
No...
Not again...
My blood pooling the floor fills my thoughts.
What do I do?
Listen to my demons like I always do? Or the nonexistent angel on my shoulder?
That's right...
God most likely gave up on me.
All I have anymore are my demons in my head and heart.
Ouch.
The blade I want to use is gone...
Now what?
I want to be released from my prison.
When?
How much longer?
Will I ever escape?
No.
I'm meant to be caged like a wild animal.
My lungs keep getting filled with poison.
All I want to do is let it take my life...
Would you care?
Or would my death mean nothing to you?
I can't breathe.
What is that?
Is that you?
My light...
Or is it my false hope?
More than likely.
Hey dont worry.
I'll be okay.
All I have to do is hide everything behind a smile and act like nothing is wrong.
So please look the other way and forget about me.
I don't need help.
I don't need anyone.
I don't need your love...
small smile lies...
But that's for me to know and for you to ignore.
Ah the numbness is slowly coming back.
Welcome home old friend.
Make yourself comfortable.

Ah music.
If it weren't for you I'd have gone crazy.
So many songs.
So many to choose from.
But only one certain one helps me.
I've always wondered what it was like to create a song based off of how I felt.
Honestly I would be terrified if the things going on inside my mind were turned into music.
I must not let people know what I think.
I'm scared.
Will the music save me?
No.
It'll let me down.
Like everyone else.
They try to help me but they can't.
I'm too far gone.
Their hands aren't able to reach me.
All I can do is float in this void and hope that one day someone will reach out and rescue me.
How much time has gone by?
I'm not for sure.
It feels like forever when it's been minutes.
Come to me my light...
Vanquish this darkness surrounding me.
Warm my cold soul.
Help me feel again.
Bring me the music of peace.

Is it wrong to "be in love" with someone who is taken?
For me it's a sin.
Why does my heart always have to search?
It's tiring.
Doesn't my heart ever stop?
My body won't be able to keep up for much longer...
Will I be strong enough for what my heart is about to endure?
It'll have to go through hell.
Will you be there to pick me up when I fall?
No. You'll be far away with a family of your own.
Please dont leave.
I need you.
Where are you?
Why aren't you here?
My heart yearns for your love.
My body yearns for your touch.
My mind yearns for peace...
There it goes... the peace.
Don't go!
Come back.
Please...
All of me calls out for it.
For you.
My soul cries...
It wants its mate.
Maybe your soul is the one?
My souls soulmate...

Your aura is that of mixed emotions.
The pain in your eyes are visible.
You shove it back behind closed doors and lock them tight.
Why do you let yourself suffer alone?
Share with me.
I'm here to listen.
I want to shoulder what you shoulder.
Come.
My arms are open.
My mind is clear.
I will bring you warmth.
My mind is open for you to fill.
Take the offer.
No rush.
Unless you go to him then fine.
I understand.
My arms will still be open.
My mind will still be clear.
If I have to I'll wait for the rest of my life here for you.
Don't let your demons win the battle that's inside your head.
You can win.
By yourself maybe not for long.
But you're not alone.
I'm here.
Forever.
Always.
With open arms.

I can't see.
I can't hear.
I can't smell.
All I can do is taste and feel.
Help me.
Guide me to the light so I can see.
Bring me to a crowded place so I can hear.
Spray perfume around me so I can smell.
But all I can really do is taste and feel.
Wait!
Wait...
I don't need to see.
I don't need to hear.
I don't need to smell.
I'll be fine with what I have.
This way...
I can taste your scent much more.
This way...
I can feel your presence much more.
Just like this.
My life can stay how it is.
With you.
Your scent.
And your touch.
I don't need anything else...

Thank you.

I ******* up again
I need to keep my problems to myself
Maybe then, you wont feel like it's all about me..
My heart hurts knowing how selfish I've been
I'm sorry...
Will holding everything in help you?
I hate being dramatic, but i can't keep hurting you over and over
Please forgive my selfishness..
You're not the one in the wrong
I can promise you that
This isn't about me but about how you need me
I love you dearly
So never think that I don't