Circle back to me.
Check in, check out-
I guess-
we’re ok today.

My heart and mind know
what I am waiting for, but
something is missing.

We’re on separate
pages, and maybe even
on separate books.

You want to love me;
To build, to grow, to learn, and
all the things between.

But I’m in peril.
Floating between right and wrong.
The good and evil.

And I’m not sure that,
the girl you fell in love with
exists anymore.

I was happily in love
Soaking in your smile through a window
I couldn't imagine being in a happier place
But I tend to ask the questions I know I'll hate the answer to
And right away I did and then the glass broke in to shards
I was bleeding out but you told me it'd be alright
Maybe there'd be a way to clean up the mess
And so I hid my wounds

The second time was painful
We had our differences
And that really stuck a wall in between us
You killed me on the phone
Told me it's not you but it's me
I don't understand the bi community
How is it possible to enjoy anything
When I'm stuck in this --
But before you could breathe your last word
You realized what you had said
Took it all back and we cried together
It was magical and it kept my hope going
Clouded my mind and forced me to forget the horrid things I just heard

The third time was my fault
I was in pain from our lack of lust
No communication was happening and i was losing trust
So I called on the phone
And you were alone
Talked of my fears
It had me in tears
You said what I thought
And it was getting really hot
We hung up cuz you had class
And I fell on my ***
But
Later I rang in the closet
And my eyes were a faucet
You made a surprise visit
And that was it
My heart leapt
And it you kept

The last time was painful
Not only did we meet but it was unexpected
This time there was no phone to shield you
No speaker to talk through
You looked me in my eyes
Pointed a gun at my heart
But caressed my face
Told me it'd be okay
Then pulled the trigger

The first was when you punched me in the heart
Told me to try and understand
That my bruised heart MIGHT heal

The second was when you hit a vein
The blood stained the bathroom floor
And you were quick to clean up the mess
Apologized me back to life

The third time you killed me in my closet
I was drowning in my tears
Fears devoured my mind
I was sure there was no coming back
But you surprised my heart and it leapt for you

But you weren't done
You decided you wanted me dead again
The fourth was more personal
You watched me this time
No call
No distance
This time you did it in person and it was painful
You watched me suffer
You tried to ease the pain
I couldn't even pretend to be alive

Please don't try to bring me back
There's no use
You shot me in my heart this time

You watched me slice my heart open
Rip my lungs into pieces
Tore my way into my brain
So I wouldn't feel the pain

And you sat there watching
Lighting the fire to burn me
There's nothing to show
No one will ever know

What would you do if a boy who meant so much told you that you were a ****?
What would you do if he harassed you for nudes day in and day out but played it as a joke?
What would you do if you were falling and knew he was no good but tortured yourself for being a *****?
What would you do if you were drowning in tears while being stabbed with a knife, telling you it's your fault, you're no good?
Why would he tell me he adores me but he hates the way I walk?
Why would he show me his colors but color me black?
What would you do if you stood up for yourself and someone spat in your face to sit your *** down?

I heard the door bell
But ignored the ring
I went about my day
I thought I could enjoy the little things
My dogs basking in the sun
I played my favorite games
The door bell kept ringing
Yeah it was a little annoying
But I ignored it for the most part
Slept through the night
And did it over again

The rings turned into knocks
I played my games but was a little distracted
My dogs were still adorable and I hugged them tight
I laid in bed, took me awhile to sleep because there were still knocks at my door

A year goes by
And I've tuned out the knocks for the most part
I was still enjoying my games for the most part
My dogs energy was still entrancing me..for the most part

One day the knocks became bangs
BANG, BANG
was all I could hear at my door
My games weren't fun anymore
My dogs whined at my feet
Sleeping at first was hard
But eventually became easy
For it was the only way to escape the noise