Starting is hard
Growth maltese candles
The painted board next to me
Where i sleep
Cars, unrelenting bring an incessant drone
That lulls
Exstasis
Mechanised intrusion grants
The brevity of randomized input
The aversion of direction
This isn't a poem
Nor is it not a poem
This is a home
This is a home
Shampoo crease salt licks
Salt salt salt salt salt salt salt
Salt salt salt salt salt salt salt
Not that but there was something else.
Not what just happened but something else
I remember when i try not to.
I always forget when i try.
I can feel it
It's not suppose to be remembered
It's there to be felt
Something like that
Something similar
Im not going to just say 'something' on a single line
Nope no.
Nothing
That was ordained
Now this is nonsensical
As if any of it was.
Reading
Nothing yet
Nothing worth saying
Yet
Yet.
Yes
Ending is hard

Coastal seizures. So sand fills a sun-kissed cheek.
Boasted features, hands lull movement in hips so meek.
Thumbs peel lids to stretch the Sun into clefts that reflexes forget
******* press against throats and ears to breaths.
Palms press ditches in chests to remind hearts of blood to teach.
Lungs keep secrets that tongueless kisses were made to reach.
Salt water rinses cheeks of death and cold stares
Paroxysms exhume life in the form of humid air.
Grief slowed as tides fell.
Teeth locked as cheeks swell.
Water took softly what it had let go
More than shook fondly but it had let grow.

On the Calmest sea
The ocean is a beautiful lady
Clothed in a coat of colours
Golden in the sun
As diamonds shimmer mesmerising
Emotion comes in her waves
Like memories pushing and pulling to the welcoming shore

PRISTINE CHRISTINE
Pristine Christine the girl of my dreams
Rest assure, though her eyes do not gleam
I know that she is more than what she seems
Shall I explain what it means?
To have and to hold a motionless figurine no, my artificial queen?
I cling to this fantasy, this object I desire
Nothing can deter me as I continue to describe her
Eyes faded with cubic zirconium shine that awe and inspire
Clay for hair fabricated in wire
Her lack of bones and plush filled body set my soul to fire
Revealing an unnatural love I have allowed to transpire
I invent reasons to how her synthetic skin will not perspire
Structured in a silicone beauty never to expire
Tainted in mystery for all to admire
Imitate my love! You lifeless being; it is all     that I require
Name me your ruler and I will enslave myself to your empire
Even if it means loving this *** doll that I have acquired

Six years and I still shudder
I would close my eyes for a minute and see it
I remember the metallic taste of the silver ware
The agonizing muddying look of the concoction
As it swirled around in the poorly washed cup

I really doubt I would have minded much
You see, the water was too much
The cheap chocolate flavored powder too small
It made me think of Oliver Twist
Of the grave injustice on mortal men

I still have nightmares about the kettle
The way she would shake it with a vengeance
And turn it carelessly into the cups
The waiter serves me my coffee and I almost scream
I can see her trying to get all cups to be even

I suppose all of my nagging would be void
If we didn’t get to see the undiluted contents at the base
The way the black residue stared back at me; daring me
No matter how many times I tried to convince myself,
I believe that chocolate should not leave residues

I stare at the cup in front of me
It has gone cold whilst I reminisced.
It is all brown and smug
I wonder if this is how cold coffee looks
I call the waiter concerning the bill

My brain is messing with me.
I swear the chocolate drink winked at me.

I'm wishing I could turn back time,
Wishing life was a Ferris Wheel and I could get,
                 Could get off
Once I'm t-
                        t-
                              tired of bird-blemished wharf views.

                              But
              life                            is
           a                                     hamster
   wheel                                            and
          I                                         forgot
                how                       to
                               stop.

Forgot,
                 Forgot I was in a cage.

Cuz I,
                 I want to become more than myself
But I,
                 I am less than the sum of my parts
And I,
                 I am less than myself, these days.

Time falls away and I am,
                 I am so much less than left behind.
                                  So much less,
                                                   So much less than myself.

I'm wishing I could turn back time,
Wishing life was just a pocket watch I forgot,
                 Forgot to wind,
Sounding t-
                        t-
                              ticking, t-ticking, and t-ticking me off.

                              But
              my                             head's
           a                                         time
     bomb                                          and
         my                                         heart
            keeps                          ticking
                              louder

Cuz I,
                 I'm waiting for the stagnancy of today
And I,
                 I'm waiting for it to fall, fall far, far away
But I,
                 I'm waiting for time to learn to evolve.

I'm waiting,
                 Waiting to get off this hamster wheel.
                                  I'm waiting.
                                                   I'm waiting.

They never tell you how much patience it takes
to get through the past wrongs and all of the mistakes
I just wanted a simple situation with nary bit of heinous
but they never tell you how it can be so dangerous
holding up the skies, crawling between the cracks,
if they ever try to lie, we'll fall on our backs ready for the attack,
but they never said being in a relationship can be so hard
because one day everything feels so real, and another it's a facade,
I've been kneeling in front of sculptures praying to a god
but all I ever get in return is a resounding nod, an empty gesture
And from all the times i look at it , I hate to be a pester
I'm too strong to walk away but I'm too weak to say goodbye
so please someone tell me what to do because nothing I do is ever right.

You keep doing this to me, on the daily,
I'd walk away if I knew you'd chase me
Because I know I can't ever let you go
Because once you go, you're gone
and there's not a single way to move on
so what am I holding onto
when you don't even know that i want you.
I need you,
scars bleed too
and my heart is hurting more than any scab or wounds
and I'm trying not to point fingers and put the blame on you
but I need to stop the bleeding
so please remind me that you still love me
so please remind me that I may be ugly
But no matter what you'll still always love me
because i seem to have forgotten
maybe my brain is just rotten...

But I love you
and I hope you love me too

My pen washes blue then green
From all the things left to see
I have not the heart to make seen
And all the things left to hang on
I ask myself 'has it not long gone?'
I'm met with self doubt and hatred
Though all I've taken sacred
Has bestowed upon me nothing
But tragedy and the toll has taken
To get here.

Of all the things it could be
I'm stuck on wishing "it could have been".