His heart had been broken
many times
in many ways,
and it had never been set right
before he put the cast on.
She re-shattered it all
so he could put it back together
the right way
this time,
soldered with gold,
and wrapped up
in kevlar.

Eight minutes ago,
I sat on my bathroom floor.
I had been there for a while.
Waiting between work shifts.

Seven minutes ago,
for the first time in a long time,
I planned my end
right there on the tiles.
I contemplated
getting my affairs in order,
my will,
where to do it,
the best method
of execution.

Six minutes ago,
I hadnt been that decisive in so long.
I felt so ready.
I didnt even feel sad.
Just ready.
The before and after of that moment
ceasing to matter in my head.

Five minutes ago,
I stood up
staring my reflection down
in the mirror
and I thought

Lets give it a few more minutes.

Every night I look up
at the moon,
the stars,
the spaces between,
and I know
you're not thinking about me,
not even a little bit.

I hope you're happy
with convenience.
I hope swapping love for proximity
works out for you.
I hope the shallow seeds you sow
blossom for a day,
or just a night,
like you like.
I hope its enough for you
the short lived trysts
you'd trade forever for.

They told me its gonna get worse
before it gets better.
Im afraid
they are right.
And tonight,
no amount of company,
comedy,
passion,
distraction,
attention,
friends,
family­,
or love
is enough to keep you
from filling every corner of my mind.
Hijacking every thought
and tearing down walls
that kept me safe.

Once again I'm reminded
there's no love like yours,
and it will take
every bit of my will
to keep cement from filling
the torn hole in my chest
and seizing my heart.

This time,
I wont run.
This time,
I'll feel it all
every ounce of pain,
every punch to the gut,
every knife in my back,
in my heart.
I want to remember this.
Brand me.
So I can finally stop
repeating history.