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Mar Nov 2018
Life has been...
Rough, to say the least.
I feel lost,
I feel like I have no use.
I feel like this until...
I am holding you.
Staring into your eyes,
Nothing going on.
Just us,
Looking at each other,
In the near-darkness.
And I realize, my purpose,
Is to be here,
With you.
Mar Nov 2018
You're here.
The universe produced you,
And you are here.
It is scary,
It's big and so easy to get lost in,
But you will find your way.
You are here,
To make friends and meaningful connections,
To do fun things,
To learn,
To do what you want to do,
To fulfill your life's purpose.
Not sure what your life's purpose is right now?
It's okay,
A lot of people don't.
That's part of the reason to keep going,
To find it.
It might take a while,
It might take a lot of effort,
But it will be worth it.
You will find what you need,
Because you are here,
And you can do anything you so desire.
Tried to do something different with this one.
Mar Nov 2018
I wish the pouring rain
Would cleanse all of the hate,
Sadness, and insecurity
That lies within my soul.
I want the thunder
To scare my motivation,
My dreams, and mind
To do better.
If only the lightening,
Could spark my emotions,
My will to go on,
Back to life.
Title is really "Untitled," but I wrote this at 22:42 on 10.10.18, so that's what I'll roll with for now.
Mar Sep 2018
Beauty is all around us,
In the natural world,
Even in man-made objects.
It takes me a while to completely understand
That beauty comes in many forms.
But you,
You are the prime example,
The poster child, if you will,
For what true beauty is.
I know you will read this,
And think about it in disbelief.
But you, my love,
Do not see yourself
The way I see you.
Shall I start with your mind?
You are so sweet,
Selfless, and kind.
Your heart is worth its weight in rhodium.
Seeing you care so much for your loved ones,
And even people who aren’t in your inner circle,
Lets me see how beautiful you are.
You always make sure that everyone is okay,
You never try to purposely hurt others,
Even though some people might deserve it.
Your mind is as beautiful as a mammalian mother caring for a newborn.
Let’s move onto physical features,
Like your eyes.
Your eyes provide me with a warmth that the sun could never,
They give me a feeling of comfort
That a million blankets could not.
And when you look into my eyes,
I feel as if I am staring into whatever  Heaven could possibly be.
Your gaze is so powerful,
And so beautiful,
I can only glance at it for seconds at a time,
Before becoming truly maddened
By your beauty.
Your smile...
It brightens my life like a billion fluorescent lights
Nearly as contagious as pink eye,
I cannot help but also smile,
Either to myself or physically,
When I see you smile.
Your voice also is encompassed by your radiating beauty.
I love to hear you talk,
And sing,
And laugh.
I wish I could listen to you forever,
Talking about your favorite things.
Your singing makes me feel at ease.
I find myself enjoying songs I would not normally enjoy,
When I hear you sing them.
Your laugh may be one of my most favorite sounds in the world.
It is even more beautiful than the sound of a C-chord,
Strummed on a finely tuned guitar.
When I hear you laugh,
I laugh,
Because it makes me so happy.
You, my love,
Make me happy
With your beautiful mind,
Your beautiful body,
And your beautiful soul.
You’re more beautiful than a math problem that works out perfectly.
You’re more stunning than a Portuguese Man O’ War.
You’re more gorgeous than a sun setting on a beach.
You’re more amazing than the first words written down by a new pen.
It makes me frustrated,
To know that you don’t see yourself
The way I see you
I hope this somewhat helps,
If only temporarily.
My love for you is not temporary,
It is forever.
I will continue to love you,
And appreciate the beauty of you,
For as long as you will let me.
Mar Sep 2018
I feel sick.
I need to throw up these words in my mind,
That have gotten me feeling so ill.
And if you're reading this,
I'm sorry.
This is going to be long.

It hurts a lot,
To reconnect with someone you were once in love with.
I don't know why it hurts so much.
I am in love with someone,
Someone far greater than the person in question.
The person I was once in love with,
I suppose they still hold a portion of my heart.
I've only been talking to them again for a few days,
But it seems like we've just picked up where we left off.
The jokes we make,
The laughs we share,
It's easy to remember what things used to be like.
But I have to remember,
I have to reign myself in.
They hurt me.
It's not realistic to think that everything used to be okay.
I make up these scenarios in my mind,
And I only remember the good stuff that happened between us,
When there was arguably more bad.
And that's something that I need to realize.
They hurt me,
And I'm still healing.

The thing is,
Why am I still healing?
Why does it feel like a wound has been opened again?
I'm so, so very in love with who I am with now.
It's incredibly insane how happy they make me.
So why do I get upset over these things?
It might be because I tend to reminisce,
And I like to look back on happier times.

In all honesty,
I feel miserable right now.
I feel like I'm trapped,
I can't tell anyone what's going on between me and my past lover.
Because all I get is ridicule.
"Why are you talking to them?"
I don't know why.
I hope that this just is a platonic thing on both sides.
I'm suspecting that it might not be.
"What did you expect?"
I expect a lot,
I want things to be okay.
I didn't expect this, though.
"You're just going to get hurt again."
I know this.
I've been through this many times.
And.. I don't care.
"What about your boyfriend?"
I don't know why this is in question.
I love him, and I'm not going to leave him.

So, what do I do?
If things don't go the way I want them to?
I don't want to lose them again.
I worked so hard to be someone that they could come to.
What to do,
If things go wrong?
I guess I'll wait for it to happen.
Mar Aug 2018
It's been a while since I've tried to do this.
I've been hesitant to even try this,
But life is getting a little more tough-
More tough than I can bear to handle.
I often struggle to figure out what is wrong with me,
But there are a lot of things that I am concerned about.
Here are my concerns, so far:
-I'm afraid that I'm going to fail
Just like,
Anything that I pursue.
A class,
A test,
A paper,
Even a homework assignment.
Failure is a huge fear of mine,
And everyone else's,
So I'm trying to brush it off.
But it's lingering there,
I feel as if I am destined to be a failure.
-I'm afraid I'll be alone forever
Everyone else has fun,
Everyone else has friends that they hang around with,
On a regular basis.
I have no one anymore.
-I'm afraid I have no purpose
There are so many people,
That know what they want to do,
And what they have to do in order to get what they want.
All of these people,
Have eons of experience compared to me,
And I'm just a speck of dust,
That will probably remain a speck of dust.
-I'm afraid to lose contact with my loved ones
I never initiate conversation,
Because I feel like no one would care either way.
I feel like an inconvenience to so many people,
So I figure better to not connect at all.
But, this poses a problem:
I am rapidly losing my relationships with many people.
My mother,
My father,
My siblings.
-I'm afraid of my deteriorating health
And physically.
I am down-spiraling.
I feel like I don't belong here,
Living in this world.
There is so much wrong with me.
My legs hurt every day,
And I'm only eighteen.
-I'm afraid to lose the love of my life
This, selfishly, is my primary concern.
I have found the most wonderful person,
Someone that truly fits with me.
They are so amazing,
But I fear that I will lose them quite soon.
Of course,
I am concerned about freak accidents and all,
But I am more concerned about me messing things up.
I don't do enough for them,
And I feel awful all of the time for being less than great to them.
It *****,
Because they're the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
If I lose them,
I'm losing my life,
My vitality.

So, there are a few of my biggest concerns.
Of course,
These can be broken down into even more concerns,
And there are far more to be mentioned.
But this is an introduction
To why I'm a mess.
I'm thinking about seeing a therapist/counselor for depression AGAIN. This would be the fourth time. I pondered what I would say, and this is what my brain threw up onto the page. Sorry for this being long, it's basically a huge vent poem
Mar Aug 2018
How can it be?
Just a few days ago,
I felt okay about this.
This whole thing:
The future,
And what it could hold.
Probably good things.
But just like all good things,
That have happened in my life,
They have been ****** away,
Into the vacuum of despair.
Now I'm terrified,
And I can't tell if this will last.
I don't know if I want it to.
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