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Apr 2021 · 124
Diary
Ivette Apr 2021
Am I annoying? How bothering can I be? Sometimes I"m just so anxious that I'm just weird all the time, and to be honest, I"m scared most of the time. I can think of a few reasons why but primarily, it's people getting mad at me. I mean, it's fine. I'd be easily irritated at myself, too, if I met me. Another thing is that, because of the way I am, the way I act as a person, people see me as a "pick me" girl. Sure, I like attention and affection, but I"m just anxious a lot. I'm scared I'll be judged then end up doing something really embarrassing. I can never hide from it. It's always there no matter what I do. I've tried many ways to prevent it. No matter what, though, I'm always gonna be seen as that odd girl who lacks a lot of knowledge and acts childish as ****. My mind thinks people only hang out with me because they only feel bad for me. Honestly, though, I'm not surprised. I wonder who I would call friends if I was perfectly okay and my life wasn't a total **** show. Honest to god, though, I"m scared to die, but at the same time, I can't wait till my time has come. Once everything is all over, I can finally be released from my pain. Sure, you'd think I'm exaggerating, but I don't care. I already promised that I wouldn't commit suicide, so don't worry, you're not reading a suicide letter. Unless you never know. A person can always change their minds... sometimes.
Jan 2021 · 264
My sunshine
Ivette Jan 2021
twist was a dark day
a dark and gloomy
I wandered the streets
looking for peace
all I see around me
are people together
bright sun shining on their faces
but me could never
I kept walking
till I hit this hill
I sat there wondering
what will become of me still
but that's when it happens
a bright light shines over the hill
and my dark days
were now behind me
for this girl appeared
smiled brighter than the stars
I finally found my sunshine
correction: ours
My brothers first poem
Nov 2020 · 203
Accidents
Ivette Nov 2020
Sad to say I got myself attached again
It's like I want to feel so bad even though it ends in pain
I knew what I was walking into and yet it caught me off guard
If I were old enough it'd be the liquor I'll pour

You walk away, do your crusade, then you worry in the end
But you don't care, you just do it to seem like you're in the right
Knowing **** well, you could've lost a friend
but even if I were gone you wouldn't notice me out of sight

I thought it'd be a fairytale with magic
but if I were more attractive this wouldn't have been tragic
Now I have to fake it till I make it
who knows how long I'll be able to take it
True story
Apr 2019 · 286
Just me?
Ivette Apr 2019
When you hold my hand, is it just me?

When you hug me tight, is it just me?

When you tell me you love me, is it just me?

When you say "I'll always be there", is it just me?

Is it too much to ask to be the only one? I know you care in general for everybody but is it bad that I just want it to be just me?

I don't know why, like I fell for you because of your caring nature. But now it's like I'm asking you to stop that but then you being a **** to everyone else would make me dislike you more because you're changing when really I'm asking you to.

Is it just me? Am I the only one that feels this way? Feeling this complicated?..

I need help on my mindset because I don't know what the right way of thinking is now.
UUGGHH am I being selfish?
Apr 2019 · 261
Silver Spoon
Ivette Apr 2019
For three years I thought, "What's a silver spoon Mom?"
Now I know it's something people like me never have

For three years I thought, "Mom, why don't we have beds?"
Now I know it's the place everyone spends 90% of their life at

For three years I thought, "Why does everyone own a big box?"
Now I know it's a place we call home

Two years later I thought, "Mom, why are you crying?"
She pointed at the silver object in my hand I used to eat

"We're getting there sweetie", she said brightening up with a smile.
True true.... Life experienced.
Mar 2019 · 2.7k
Therapy
Ivette Mar 2019
Listen you don't need a Therapist

Sure they help you but do they really help?

They're never there when you are looking at the mirror and calling yourself disgusting, and that you're hideous.

They're never there when you are on the verge of tears when something impacts you dramatically.

They are never there when you want to cut yourself so bad.

They ask how you are doing, they ask what you want and need.

But do they really care? You just get money out of me do you want to help or do you want the money to survive.

After this you always go back to your happy home planning the next family vacation

But I always go back to the loneliness, the dark room that doesn't shut out the screaming behind the walls.

I go back to feeling like I'm nothing and that I'm unwanted
Sure maybe some of us have a therapist that actually helps us and makes us feel better and secure.
But there is this part of us that always goes back to feeling this nothingness
Feb 2019 · 241
Unexpected
Ivette Feb 2019
So when we first met, I didn't know I was gonna fall for you really hard... but I did and now look at us.

You make me really happy and I just had no idea there was such thing as the feeling I have when I'm around you.

The whole time I never thought me and you were ever going to happen... now we're cuddling, kissing, and just staring in each other's eyes while smiling.

I love it when you play with my hair, I love it when you hold my hand

Now, whenever I see you I turn red and you make fun of it calling it cute, and I do the same with you, especially the first kiss on the cheek

This was so unexpected. Who knew something so great would ever happen to me.. I love you, Mateo
yeah I wrote his name for once
Jan 2019 · 291
Dance?
Ivette Jan 2019
Well I don't really know what to think at this moment. You say you guys have problems and then all of a sudden you guys are deep in love.... You told me you had a ******* about me so randomly just so you can get it off your chest and that you don't know what it meant but that it was just random.... then you ask me to go to formal with you when your girlfriend denied you and got into an argument with you. Am I just always gonna be the second choice? Am I just gonna be the one you go to when you feel upset because of her?
If she makes you feel that bad why not be over but soon after you guys are just ..fine. Don't you think that's a little toxic. My friends say you like me but I don't want you too which is strange since you are my crush.. I don't know how to feel anymore. You make it seem like I shouldn't like you because of the way you are with me but with her...it should be concerning if you do that to me if we do become a couple and you get depressed. Then we are going to dance together as if we should ignore the way we are together so you can be with her and me and you can be friends...But I want to know how you feel about the whole situation..Do you like me? Do you love her? You're with her yet you do this and say that with me! I just don't get you anymore..
Yes this is something I am going through but I shall refuse to say his name
Jan 2019 · 682
You have a girlfriend!
Ivette Jan 2019
The moment I realize "Stop he has a girlfriend"
The moment I realize "Why does he talk to me this way when he has a girlfriend, why does he have to be this nice"
It's funny how you know how I feel about you but yet you still remain to be my friend, but why? It doesn't bother you??
So you decide to text me everyday all the way up to 3am with no trouble, but you have a girlfriend?
You said before when you meet me you thought I was attractive and you call me cute most of the time, But you have a girlfriend?

Do you do this on purpose to play with me?
Does your girlfriend know that you talk to me?
Is your girlfriend okay with you talking to a lot of girls?

YES...but why? You must be very trust worthy, and you treat every girl sooo special...but you have a girlfriend?
I don't know if I'm over thinking because all your friends say that you're a good person and you will not use someone or play with them.

You treat me so special, you make me think that I have a chance, you know I like you yet you keep texting me, making me happy, I can never talk to anyone the same way I do to you, You say "We have so much in common it's really remarkable, you are like the other version of me"..... when you were with this one girl you said you liked how she was the other version of you...

Why do you do this, YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND
YOU KNOW I LIKE YOU

Don't you think that I can be suffering because of how much I want to kiss you when we hug.... or when you make me feel like the only girl in the world... you do all this for me and that BUT YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND
This is what I've been feeling with this one guy...I dunno if what I said made any sense but I just couldn't resist writing it down
Jan 2019 · 166
Not a Poem
Ivette Jan 2019
Alright the title is actually right, this is not a poem.
I want advice on what to do with a guy I like, he calls me adorable, he said he finds me attractive, he takes me out whenever, to the most random places.
He is there for me, he makes me feel special, he always makes me laugh, we text all day everyday.

But...

He has a girlfriend. Why would someone show that much care and affection to someone who isn't his girlfriend. I don't know if this is how he actually is or if he is just an actual flirt.
Most of his friends are girls so I doubt I am the only one
Please respond if you read this
Jan 2019 · 167
My Brother
Ivette Jan 2019
He is sweet, he is kind hearted
He can be a lot to handle most of the time but I still love him with all my heart <3
Named specifically from someone from the bible. Don't know who exactly but he was a treasure ever since the start.
His curly hair, his bright smile, and his presence give me life every day all day.
He is the first I wake up to in the morning and I always love kissing and squeezing his chubby cheeks even though he doesn't enjoy it very much
All I want is for someone to notice how much of a precious soul he is
He comes off shy, too strong, really rude and mean
Although he has seen to many things in his life and he is only a seven years old.
He is probably scarred for life or maybe even traumatized,  hopefully kids will see that one day he will be an important person in this world.
I know he can make it...especially with that charm of his :)
He saw me writing this and even if he wasn't, I would never lie about him as I do love him with all my heart
Nov 2018 · 1.0k
Notice my Story
Ivette Nov 2018
You told me that I was spoiled? Why out of all people, you chose me? For someone that didn't have anything and to finally have happiness and to not be afraid to show it I am now spoiled?

I used to be homeless, no money, no clothes, I used to steal everything to get what we needed. My family of six at the time, now seven with my dear brother came into the world.

You don't know my story! Calling me spoiled just because I get five dollars to take to school everyday??? When before I had to steal what I wanted because I didn't even have a nickel?

Calling me naive even though it was me lying back then to get what I wanted. Me not believing anyone at all because I would be afraid to be kidnapped sleeping on the park bench?

Saying I have it easy? REALLY? I HAVE IT EASY!!!!???!!?!?!

Before I didn't have nothing. My mom was pregnant when her and my dad were abusing the drugs! Then I went into Foster Care and always getting in arguments because I wasn't at all used to having rules, and with them abusing the power and using me for the money they receive for my life!

You say your my best friend but you never ask me how I am doing? You don't think saying these things will take an impact on my feelings.?

Calling me spoiled and that I don't care! When I promised myself that I will help the poor, the kids in Foster Care, the ones who live on the street and praying everyday that they'll find something good to eat!

You saying that I am one of those people just hurt me so bad that in that moment I swear I wanted to punch your face so bad. But..no I am not a bad person. I am not spoiled.

I am who I believe I am. A good person that went through torture and still going through the day with a smile even when I cried the most tears. I guess I may hide it well for you to think that but you shouldn't judge like how I don't judge you my friend.

I am not trying to call you out which is why I don't say you're name.
I promise.

To everyone though you have to notice the story behind every face!
Don't just assume right away or make any assumptions.
Beyond that happy attitude, that smile, and those bright eyes.
Might possibly be pain, they may be going through something or they just got out of a horrible situation and is just trying to live in the present to forget about it!

Take me for example, I grew up with nothing but parents who were addicted to Crystal **** with three brothers at the time. Became homeless and being bullied at school then going to Foster Care. After that my baby brother was born.

A year from now everything is fine. We are all back into the happy family that we once were. My parents got better and the baby is fine. Right now I am trying to forget, everyday I am the happiest I can possibly be.

Notice the story of everyone, if you can't then just ask.

I am not spoiled, I am not a brat, or a conceded person. I am me
Please, this is a true story, this is all true, but the reason I wrote this is yes because someone did call me those things, so I decided to write a partial back story of my life. Just to show that everyone has something in their life that they don't talk much about but still sensitive too. Please everyone don't just right away think you know someone.
Nov 2018 · 821
Focus
Ivette Nov 2018
Sometimes I wonder if this is actually going to happen but when I drift of to space it is just...YOU!

No it is never going to happen! Me focusing on something for once. Writing, reading, listening, eating, learning, sleeping, talking NOTHING.

I won't be able to do it therefore it is never going to happen because in the middle of me doing something it is always you that is in my mind!

Why out of all the years I had to meet you was in the most important year of my high school life.

I can't focus on anything because once I close my eyes, it's you. It is always you. When I talk to you though it is different..I can focus on what I am doing with you right next to me.

Is it because I am finally awake? That I am not dreaming anymore because the dreams are coming into a reality when you are in the same setting with me?

Even while writing this it is you in my mind. I can never do anything right when you are not around it's like you are a drug and I just need it every time until I just pass out!

But when you are here and when I am out of space in reality, I focus. But I am sad..knowing you have a girlfriend. With you knowing how I feel towards you and you don't do anything about it. Not even a single "Oh well I'm sorry but I'm taken" all I got was "Oh okay"

You are just going to ignore my confession? Well I guess I am never going to be able to focus.
I don't know if you will be able to understand what I am talking about. But when I speak my mind I just type and type and whatever comes out just comes out and I don't plan on rereading it and clean and fix what my heart spilled

— The End —