I'm sorry that I didn't come with a disclaimer.

I should wear one around my neck though.

WARNING: If you love me you'll have to get used
                       to the loaded gun constantly pointed
                       to my head. Safety off.

Trust me if I could let go of it I would,

but it's still here. It's me. Just as my body is, It's me

I am not a build-your-own ******* person.

I am everything you see from the hair edged with pink

down to the wrists laced with red. I am the

comic books I've read and

the suicide letters I've written.

You cannot cut the crusts off this sandwich.

Get ******* used to it or get the **** out.

I’ve run out of reasons not to hate myself

5 years ago I tried to **** myself but I couldn’t

tie the right knot. I tied it around my neck

but it just kept slipping, like me, slipping like walking

on ice, like my tongue when I talk to you, slipping.

What a slap to my face huh? A suicidal kid

who wasn’t even smart enough to tie the noose

he was going to use to **** himself because

he felt he wasn’t enough, ever.

Failure: My story’s recurring theme

Migraines: My annoying next door neighbor

Migraine medication: His daughters (All 15 of them)

I kept making myself “better”

Stopped the cuts

No more pills

clean

But it came back

I tried to stop it, I really did

Happy. My motto memorized. Happy

Happy. Rehearsed and repeated. Happy

Well, 5 days ago I tried to **** myself. I wasn’t enough

Happy wasn’t enough.

This time I googled how to make a proper noose

wasn’t even that hard, really.

It was ready, I was ready, notes for everyone

tucked away in individual envelopes in my bag

and clear and concise instruction on where, when and to who

they should be sent to.

I would have died. Wrists, thighs, hearts, and eyes

carved

Deaf, I became deaf. From all the screaming inside telling me

to do it and the whispers outside not to.

5 days ago I had my head in a noose, ready to jump

Then you called asking how I was

“Bad, really bad.” I said

“Tell me about it” you replied

5 days ago I was about to **** myself but you stopped me

But you won’t always.

Do not kiss lips that stutter, with lips
that shiver like they were frozen
because chances are she'll struggle with
words of comfort. Not for you. For you
she would squeeze out every sweet word
that might curl the edge of your own
lips

But kiss her not For you. Kiss her that it
might calm the quakes in her heart that
leaves its wake on her lips

Put your heart in her hands that the
beating of your heart gives her peace
that the heat warms her hands

Kiss her again, kiss her broken lips
that you might taste the muffled screams
and feel the sentences lost between the cracks

if seeing you naked
means seeing the scars you hide beneath your clothing
then i will kiss them
before i even lay my lips yours

tight spaces
make me dizzy
tight spaces
with many people
will make me die

trains are okay
trains with lots of people
give me panic attacks more times than not
the fact
that i'm trapped
in a moving vehecle
with no means of getting down
until the next stop
which probably isn't my stop anyway
just *****

tight spaces
make me dizzy
but when you hug me tight
it's quite the opposite
it's like i want to live
in the small space between your hands and your chest
in a train full of people
i don't mind feeling the heat your body emits
amongts a hundred other people's which i don't particularly care for

you make the me dizzy
but the kind of dizzy
that makes me feel good
and safe
i don't like tight spaces
but i don't mind being in your room
about two of your wingspans in length
as long as you're right next to me
you make the panic attacks go away
please don't go away

they say people forget things
not because they wanted to
but because what they were supposed to remember
wasn't important to them in the first place

i guess this holds true
because it's not like you want
to forget something you have to remember

maybe one day i'll be unimportant too
just like the little things you were supposed to do for me
but forgot
because i suppose you had
more important things to attend to
i don't blame you

at first you will remember
then you will at the last moment
then you will strive hard to remember
after that, you won't even try at all
and then the next thing you know
you'll forget why you loved me

i look at the sky
tiny dots amongst
nothing
blank space
outer space
the tiny dots appear to flicker
they exist as
only source of light
if the night bears no moon

i see distant heavenly bodies
burning hotter than a thousand campfires
a million matches
they burn blue
red
white
across the void of the galaxy
light traveling billions of miles away
in some predestined way to reach my retinas
i try to process the idea of exactly how much space
space needs to take
i can't comprehend the simple complexity of this universe
nor fathom the vastness of it
working like a preprogrammed machine
it bares little creatures in a water-filled planet
they have their own little worlds
their own little stories
separate from the narration
that keeps together the force of gravity

do not forget
that you were made by the same Being
who made the stars
the same One
Who crafted each gaseous heavenly body
each He knows by name

don't you realise that the fire inside of you
burns hotter than a thousand suns
a billion supernovas
you burn not only red, white, and blue
hues can't quite describe
the brilliance of your mind

i try to process
how much space
it would take for me not to feel your warmth
i can't comprehend your simple complexity
the constallations in your eyes
change every night
because each day
you're a new mystery
for me to fathom

do not forget
that you were made by the same Being
who made the stars
why wouldn't He make someone
just like them
someone who shines brightly
to cut through the darkness
why wouldn't He?
but ah
He already has
don't you ever forget
that He already has