You said forever never lasts
I should have believed you when you told me that
Old love songs fill my journals, ripped pages

eternal, heartfelt, inferno

I hope you burn just like me
I wish you never feel a sense of relief
I pray you never catch a moment of peace
Until you see... You're just like me <3

A hole in my chest where your head used to lay
you've stolen my heart, & you've watched me decay
I haven't heard it beat since that
one...
fateful...
day.

I feel as if I can't breathe.
My breath, my life, my essence
you've taken from me.

i’d write you poems
& i’d braid your hair
i’d feed you cherries
& i’d kiss you where—
your insecurities lie
the ones i quietly despise.
as i find the most beauty
in you.
my lily.
the apple of my eye.

As my breath escapes my lips,
smoke unfurling from my lungs,
I breathe away my sorrow and as I do...
I begin to hum.

The colors around me they seem brighter,
My furry blankets swallow me whole,

My lungs they burn like fire,
Yet I find comfort in the smoke.

Silly little papers stained with pink little hearts,
I roll and roll and roll,
My own little form of art.

I press unto my lips, my own divine self-medication
I inhale deeply--The Earths medicinal creation.

& so my nightly routine begins...

1.) I turn on my unreleased Lana Del Rey mixtape
2.) light my last cigarette
3.) turn off the lights
4.) crawl into my unmade bed
5.) cuddle up to my favorite stuffed animal
6.) and I begin to cry

7.) then finally... sleep comes for me.
8.) & the nightmares begin.

To be born into a world so lackluster, so intent on stripping away dreams, individuality, and creativity — it should be criminal to tell those who fall victim that they are not normal. To encourage them to hold onto those very things — dreams, individuality, and creativity. Is it not hypocritical to tell those born with such gifts that they must use them to the fullest, while existing within a society built to ***** out those gifts and holders of such? Calling upon such people as too emotional, weird, out of touch, and or eccentric, in a way that offends, is a hypocrisy often ignored.

I am offensive, in the ways that rain is offensive on a hot day; some breathe a sigh of relief, others curse the timing of my arrival. I come to offer a refreshing view, a clean slate, a new beginning. But I can be strong — strong enough to sweep away the things I love. I remind you to cherish what stands, before the world swallows it whole. And though once gone, I will dig a hole, and I will fill it with myself, offering a new life to those who come next.

I am as offensive as a puppy jumping at the legs of a passerby; some smile and pet me, while others shrug me off, annoyed by my lack of control and my lack of boundaries. But the childlike wonder carried by those who have been touched by the darkest entities — that wonder is one of the most beautiful things on Earth. Having seen the darkness in this life, and perhaps the lives before, I will always remain a puppy.

The beauty of life would not be beautiful without the ugly.

I am too ugly.
I am the mud beneath your shoe.
I am the wasp buzzing too near.
I am the coffee stain on your work pants — always noticed, yet never welcomed to stay.

And yet I am the wind that blows the yellow, orange, and red leaves across your yard after a long day — reminding you to breathe.

Through the chaos, there are beautiful moments to be held.
Those who carry chaos offer the most peaceful moments, unbeknownst to most.

I am deep and vast as the Pacific Ocean — crashing upon the rocks one day,
Sitting idle on the sand, the next,
A being of stagnancy, yet a being of ever-changing and constantly in motion.
I can swallow things whole, keep them hidden within me for lifetimes.
Or I can choose to unearth them — share them with the shore.
Let myself be seen by those I once feared, of polluting me.

You always told me
"you look so pretty when you cry, my love..."

I used to be flattered, batting my wet eyelashes, my glazed-over eyes, fully captivated by the sight of...you.

but now I realize
you're just a sadist
& I'm just a *******...
the lamb to your slaughter.

I am Sin
In its purest and rawest form.
& for that, I have no shame
as fire in the bible resembles
purification.
I...
repent.

And so
as this fire
burns between my legs
flickering images of your full, yet delicate figure
cross my mind.

I turn into myself
& wish me anew.
my fingers cupping and twirling
so gracefully...
caressing...
as I scream my confessions

I'm born again.

i lie in my sweat, my sheets stained with my regrets.

regressing back to my inner child, what was once taken from me; i wasn’t ready to give up yet.

you project, as you ask. “do you enjoy my company for more than ***?”

a seemingly preposterous question. as you know i have so much love for you, but those feelings i’ll protect.  

i’m left alone, and cold, wrapped in this regret-filled sheet of sweat.. i comfort you… in the exact ways i need for myself but those simple words.. tucked away on the shelf, labeled ‘things he’d rather i keep to myself’

you fear yourself, & the dark desires that you hide. your true intentions, to the surface they rise.

as i lie in my sweat, my sheets stained with my tears & my regrets.

the bruises and claw marks that engrave my thighs, i once deemed so beautiful. now make me want to die.

you’ve not had love for me.. in very a long time.

i ought to move on, i think it’s time.