i have anxiety
undiagnosed.

sometimes it feels like my head is stuffed with crumpled ***** of paper: the things I never said, the things I should have never said, the things that someone never said to me.

all of these things are written on every piece of paper
there are so many right now that no more would be able to fit
yet i can't stop thinking things, i can't stop saying stupid things, i can't stop wishing things.

i sigh I reach up to my forehead and i grasp my bangs
with my shaky hands and pull

i'm hoping one day when i do this
the top of my head will yank open
all of these crumpled pieces of thoughts
will pour out in a pile
on the floor
i will kneel down
and uncrumple each and every piece
i will read each one
until my head fills up again.

Call my scars ugly
Because I've never seen them as beauty.
Make fun of how I lost my sanity
For numbness.
And yes,
Go ahead
And call it teenage angst
Because you can't seem to find the line between
Phase and disorder.
I fought so many battles against myself
That you can't even imagine.
My scars on the outside
Only reflect little
Of the many scars I've left on the inside.
You may see my arm
Covered in scars as me once seeking attention.
While you are not completely wrong,
I can't even begin to explain
How wrong assuming could have been.
I lost my pride and disgnity for these scars.
Assumptions like yours
Are the reason I try to keep
Them hidden.
Why I, for so long,
Thought they made me ugly.
But really,
They are just an ugly part of my past
And beautiful reminder of the present.
So next time you see my scars,
Don’t stare,
Don’t assume,
And don’t call them ugly.
Just walk by
And see me as a normal human being

I feel numb.
My emotions as empty
As my expression.
Thinking that maybe this
Can be this thing people call
Depression.
After weeks of suppressing
All these emotions,
I so badly want to feel them again.
It’s that one missing
Piece to this puzzle
Of what it’s like
To normal and whole.
You’re living and breathing
Like a normal human being,
But you can’t fully function
Like one.
Your drowning in the lack of emotions
That you would even ****
To feel anything.
Even if takes
A silver blade
That tears apart your flesh
And your mind.

You drained me of my identity and
Injected self doubt into my veins
Left me questioning my own sanity
Walking around aimlessly
At war with my own body every day
Trying to scrub your heavy words off my skin
My mental state has been shaken to its core
I don´t know who I am anymore.

Your love
Reignited the dying embers
In my heart,
Making me glow
As bright as
The sun.

Your love
Is the kind that is
Talked about in metaphors
And written into
Poetry.

Your love
Might not shine
Like the stars
In the inky black sky
But
It definitely burns
Like the sun,
And lights up my
Whole world.