Every time my eyes rest on him I sigh a little and smile,
wow he's beautiful.
I stare for as long as I can before he turns or looks aside then I must look away ,
he can never know.
Tall, with a smile that makes my day, that confident strut and almost brooding look that affects me a little too much, he gets to me.
In my head I create encounters that will never occur, I imagine us as so much more, I hope I exist in your world too.

Bitterness hugs my heart,
jealousy tugs at me,
constantly working hard but no big breaks for me.
Giving it my all to no avail, how come?
How do bad girls with good hair surpass me when all I'm doing is what's right?
I'm trying so hard to break free but despair keeps welling up inside me, giving up would be so easy but even that is not an option for me.
Why do others get dealt the winning hand from birth?
Is struggle suppose to be synonymous to me?
Hard work is not all its cracked out to be,
unfortunately that's my reality.

Assignments, tests, exams,
I spent my days behind a desk.
White shirt, black skirt,
yes, all I do is type and page.
Oh, don't worry,
they're very fond of reminding me what a disappointment I am to humanity,
me who elects to be a well paid slave in someone else's company,
me with no good ideas.
Funny,
I've been down this road before, I've faced this criticism before,
but I was not deterred, not me,
I'll work hard and I'll be successful, that'll show them.
They told me I was destined for great things as they handed out trophies of merit on that stage,
I believed them,
they lied.

I had a moment with a three year old today,
I was putting him to bed, he was wailing and fighting,
he didn't want to leave his cousin and his games.
I had a moment where I looked straight into his eyes and reassured him that everything is going to be okay,
I looked into his eyes and he stopped crying,
I realized something in that moment, he trusts me.
I don't think I have ever felt anything more fulfilling,
I had a moment with a three year old today.

I need to let go because I never fell in love with me and  I keep looking for people to do it for me,
I need to realise that I'm flawed, not them,
that my burdens are mine alone to weigh.
I've spent so long blaming the people I loved for breaking my heart, but really, I doubt it was ever whole to begin with ,
I think my love for them was nothing but a convenience to me,
sadly, it never was to them, god!
How they loved me so fearlessly, how some fought so hard I felt ashamed of my inability to love them back.
It was about me, always about me,
yet somehow I convinced myself to mourn the loss of something that had never been, still kept up the pretence of heartbreak when they left, how did I always end up the victim of fact?

I wanna pray today,
but who do I pray to?
I'm distraught,
heartbroken,
How I wish I had that crutch today,
but i gave it away.

Religion has taken over my life, even in its non existence in mine.
I try my hardest to ignore it but everyday it is shoved down my throat by one person to the next.
I wish there was a pause button for the questions that flood my mind. I don't want to be ruled by an idea I can't even wrap my head around, yet because of years of indoctrination,
ongoing indoctrination,I find it almost impossible to break away from these shackles that imprison me.
I'm scared,
scared that any move I make will be the wrong one,
I just don't know what to believe!
Is it so much to ask, for religion to not exist at all in my life,
for me not to hear, read and be confronted by it every waking minute of the day?
Because I swear it is so exhausting spending all your time trying to figure out what is real and what is not.
I'm frustrated and angry,
******!
why wasn't I indoctrinated well enough from childhood!
I wish it were done so well that I too would find every excuse in the world not to question my beliefs, that it would make perfect sense in my head.
Why must I be "woke", people say it as if it's a good thing, as if it's an achievement but really it's a curse.
A confused life is emotionally taxing,
it drains me. I spend so many nights crying about it,
I hate that I have fought my whole life to be free of it,
but years later, here I am, in exactly the same spot as before.