I have a friend,
he utters no words,
he passes no judgements.
He is my companion through the darkest of nights,
and in my most joyous delights.
He's stable,
dependable,
even as the world retreats, often abhorred by the essence of me
he keeps his place,
he is pen and paper,
he is poetry.

I want to disappear sometimes,
not because I feel my work on this earth is done
no.
Because at least then I wouldn't be present just by name,
to be overlooked ever passing day.
So much joy it would bring me to no longer be seen,
for when has my being seen ever mattered anyways?
how easy it would be to just disappear,
at least then being invisible would be the norm
and wouldn't cut as deep as it does.
how nice it would be to no longer exist.

See I have to ignore what you say,
because I'd never be happy if my happiness was tied to your opinion of me.
You don't think too highly of me ,do you?
The loudness of your voice when you speak,
You don't think me too bright,do you?
I finally realise that it's pointless trying to be the best of me,
you don't want me.
You fell in love with the idea of me,
an illusion of what I could be, an illusion of my own creation fabricated with long nails, perfect make up and clothes to match.
I hid my imperfections,
foolishly thinking you'd dig until you found my truth,
that you'd see beyond my mask and heal my scars,
but now that your love is gone,
it's clear to me that the only person I should learn to love is me.

You approach me in broad daylight,
a nice sweet guy you seem,
but I flinch when you say hi,I don't reply,
I'm scared of you.
You find me in the rain, clothes soaked , hair a mess,
kind and caring you seem
as you roll your window down and offer me a ride,
but I run, full speed ahead, I don't look back
I'm scared of you.
In the night time , I hate walking alone,
but with independence at stake I brave the night in terror,
with my dignity at stake I fight through the fear,
hesitant steps I take,
I'm always scared of you.

You told me you cared for me,
until I fell apart,
then you kept finding excuses why you couldn't be there for me.
So i started making them too,
because your absence only compounded my pain,
showed me how alone I was before you.
I feel betrayed by you,
how dare you!
how dare you watch me at my worst and then leave like the rest?
I trusted you!
Put the last glimmer of hope in you
so now what do I do?

Depression isn't when you know
That everything around you
Is going wrong
and you feel sad,
Depression is when you know
That everything around you
Is going right
And you still feel you sad.