Rain needles the windowpane, soft and cruel,
a silver net cast over the world's slow breath.
Inside, I cradle heat-
dark and bitter as memory-
in a chipped mug that knows my hands.

The throw blanket clings like a second skin,
threadbare, trusted, steeped in the scent
of long hours and quiet survival.
At my feet, the slow thud of his sigh-
my great beast of comfort, fur soaked in dreams.

Outside, the world drowns in its own grey hush.
Inside, I sip the storm away-
one steaming mouthful at a time.

I did not ask for this—
this bruise of wanting blooming under my ribs.
You came like winter sun:
too soft to trust, too sharp to turn away.
I kept my silence folded
like a letter I’d never send—
and yet you read me,
one pulse, one breath at a time.
Now, my thoughts are ash-colored birds
nesting in your name.
I am undone—
not loudly, but with the hush of snow falling
on a house already burning.

My life falls to pieces every other weekend,
Standing at the edge 'bout to jump in the deep end
Everyone shoutin', "What is she thinkin'?"
But they didn't wanna help while I was sinkin'
So much pain that I feel inside
So many secrets that I didn't wanna hide
A smile on my face, another white lie
"I'm fine," I'll say 'til the day I die
There'll be murmurs at my funeral that they didn't know
But I shouted out loud and they still didn't show
To come pull me out, no, they didn't wanna go
Too late now, everybody stay home
'Cause I cried so many tears that I drowned in the water
A wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter
Now lost forever 'cause they couldn't even bother.

I'm here on the bed, you're there on your game
Forgive me for thinking that that's sort of lame
You want simulation, I want stimulation
That comes from a touch not my imagination
I wish you would take me to far away places
Instead I'm left wide open with these big empty spaces
Wounds need to be dressed, holes need to be filled
Someone catch me I'm falling, dont even know if its real
Got people calling me an Egirl like Im after flirtation
Forgive me for being hungry for just a little conversation
Should I just fade away, while you play away
Watch me fade away, might not be here someday

Delicate writing on old torn out pages
Photographs fading of young eager faces
Trinkets and treasures kept safe in a box
Are precious moments we've held onto so they won't be forgot
Fragile pieces caressed with my long tender fingers
Old feelings remembered and some that still linger
A lifetime of love that is shared through the ages
And passed down through the photographs and old torn out pages

-A.W. 2019

A Fight For Sanctuary
- by Amanda L. Winand

She wears a sleek white gown, the color of purity. Standing on top of a grassy knoll there is nothing but picturesque beauty as far as the eye can see. But the girl doesn't seem to notice. Tears fall from her face in silent streams and she wraps her bare arms around herself as though she is trying to keep from falling apart. A sudden gust of wind causes her hair to whip about forcefully; she can hardly stand against the strength of it. Without warning she is swept from her feet, abruptly taken from the grassy knoll and all that she knew and loved. Despair.

She falls back into darkness, her hand stretched out to the small patch of light still visible from her grassy knoll that grows ever distant and out of reach. Another ambient light begins to grow brighter from beneath her. But this light is sinister; she feels the devastating heat on her back before ever seeing the flames. She is helpless as she falls toward the lake fire waiting to devour her. The flames reach out like hungry fingers seeking to taste her fragile skin. She falls straight into them. Anguish.

As suddenly as she fell into the fire she all at once comes crashing through it to the other side. Dark water lurked beneath the flames waiting to swallow her for itself. She falls through the surface with the weight of a thousand bricks, a weight that is both crushing and suffocating and more than she could possibly bear. She is drowning, sinking deeper and deeper into the depths of darkness. Hopeless.

She realizes she isn't falling so much as being pulled down violently, far beyond anyone's reach. Once she reaches a dark, empty abyss whatever invisible hands had clutched hold of her have let go. She is floating in this new, empty place. There is nothing. There is no one. Darkness and emptiness become all that she knows. It makes it's way inside her until she feels nothing else, until she forgets what it was like to have ever felt anything else. Defeated.

Just as she accepts her new reality a small distant light comes across her vision. She gets closer until she can see the small grassy knoll she once called home. To return to this place she knows she has to escape the darkness and the emptiness that grievously hold her back. She fights a long exhausting battle against them, earning herself more than a few scars that will never fully heal, but in the end she is victorious. Finally free she returns to her sanctuary to once again experience the joy of the grass beneath her bare feet and the gentle warmth of sunlight caressing her skin. Peace.

Some time passes. The feeling of joyfulness gradually begins to fade and is once again replaced by an inexplicable sadness. That sadness begins to grow into overwhelming sorrow. Tears pool in the hallows of her eyes and fall from her delicate face. She knows what is coming but she is helpless to stop it. The wind begins to grow with the swelling storm inside her. She tries once again to stand against it's force but she isn't strong enough alone. All at once she is pushed from her sanctuary, falling backwards once again into the darkness and all that awaits her there. Depression.

One kiss could send me straight to ruin
One sinful touch my soul to hell
But just to have you for a night
My soul would cry out "It is well"
To taste the sweetness of your lips
To have my flesh be a feast for you to dine
I'd gladly face those burning embers
Just to say you once were mine
Let marks on my skin tell the story
Of a night of savagery and bliss
Yes I would give up crown and glory
Just to have one taste of you like this

He came to me dressed in my most secret desires. His face unmasked the figure in all of my clandestine fantasies, his voice the delightfully sinful whisper of temptation that excites my soul, his body the only banquet that could ever truly satisfy my hunger; his entire person has become the bittersweet reason for my absolute yearning. Mind, body, soul - I want all of him, from the very first taste I have been addicted and all at once he has become essential to my survival. I crave him with such a potent need that it is unbearably all-consuming; the slightest thought of him puts my whole body on edge with an exquisitely delicious ache. And though the urges his very existence arouse in me are as wild and insatiable as he is, I have truly never been more satisfied.

Lying in his arms, her head resting on his chest, she listens to the lullaby of his steady heartbeat and the rhythm of his breathing. She tries to anchor herself to the moment, to the solidarity of him and the promise of his presence, to the love and passion that burns so brilliantly between them, but tonight, and many other nights, she does not feel the warmth or joy or even thankful contentment she searches for. She feels instead the all too familiar emptiness burning it's hole through her, a painful all-consuming nothingness that devours her soul and threatens her very existence. She tastes the tears as they start leaking haphazardly down her face. "Save me," she whispers into his skin, latching herself onto him even more tightly than before. "Save me, because I don't think I can save myself." His only reply is a soft snore, his peaceful slumber uninterrupted by the girl crumbling away to nothing in his arms.

A bouquet of flowers, how symbolic
of a love that wilts away.
Petals turning brittle,
I watch it's slow decay.
A head that starts to droop,
a hunger and thirst that can't be quenched;
what once was lovely and fragrant
produces such a rotten stench.
Tossed out with the garbage,
a new bouquet fills its place.
The cycle then continues;
such symbolism in a vase.

"The shattered depths of her tortured soul were beyond the reach of a gentle love. She needed the passion that burned with a fire so fierce and complete in his eyes that there were no places left for the shadows of her past to hide. She needed to be kissed with such savage hunger that her breath escaped her and her lungs burned from the lack of air; her mind becoming incapable of coherent thought from the dizziness and excitement of it all. As she whispered his name with pleading repetition all others who had come before him faded entirely from her existence but for the reminders to be eternally displayed on her skin. These parts of her he loved even more intensely; the feel of his hands and lips as they brushed across the memories on her skin cleansed her defeated soul and brought it roaring back to life. She needed to be loved like this; so thoroughly and intimately and profoundly that every fracture of her soul was filled to the brink and all of the broken pieces of herself were forgotten in an instance. She knew nothing in that moment beyond their love and wanting for one another. She knew then that she had been saved."

{This is a work in progress, still needs some retouching}

She was a lonely child, forgotten by time,
who grew into a woman plagued with a broken mind.
She carries the burdens of another one's crime;
keeping their secrets at the expense of her soul
while wanting for the day that she will be whole.
Her lips still tingle from the taste of their sin,
though faded are the scars that once littered her skin.
But then what were they compared to the ones burning within?
For her wounds are eternal and they still bleed inside
keeping her running through darkness with nowhere to hide
And fighting battles each day no one else can see
For her enemies are the shadows of each memory.
Her mind is a battleground born from years of abuse
from a love that was hateful with ugly words so profuse
that they cut deeper with their edges than any blade could
and hurt for much longer than any wound should.
There were no bandages for the anguish, nothing to heal
the depth of her pain from the cold, verbal steel
and the hollowness she carried from the innocence lost
was the price to be paid; yes her soul was the cost
With their vile words and their cold touch a constant stain she kept seeing
it became too exhausting to pretend her well-being
was anything other than a perpetual fall;
her existence the proof that time doesn't heal all.

Your words of wisdom are just the ramblings of a fool,
stop trying to play the victim using me as your tool
then switching up the story now that you've been caught;
we're both living with the consequences your actions have bought.
For so long I let you drag me down just to make yourself feel higher
while you acted like I was beneath you, unworthy of desire.
Oh how you tell me that you love me then spit lies in my face,
this love I held so sacred turned into such an ugly disgrace!
Need I remind you of all your secret shame?
No? Then stop acting like this is somehow just a game!
You want to weigh the pros and cons? Well here are just a few:
years of my life crying over the pain you put me through!
Years of your lying and sneaking and acting like a boy,
all of these years of you treating me like I am just another toy!
For too long I have handed myself over to your neglect,
for too long I suffered from all your disrespect.
You want to say that this separation has changed you for the better?
But you're still the same person right down to the letter!
It doesn't even matter now, does it? It's not worth the fight,
so go on and tell your stories; whatever helps you sleep at night.

Oh beautiful star
  how you shine upon them
  captivated by all that you are
  they lose sight of themselves
Oh beautiful star
  so full of your gloriousness
  they can't see that you're marred
  just like the rest of us
Oh beautiful star
  so high above us all
  but your beauty, it scars
  it's dangerous to love you
Oh beautiful star
  keep shining on brightly
  you will always be a star
  and we're only human

A porcelain doll of such perfection
  how they love your skin so fair
  and the depths of your dark eyes
  and your long and flowing hair
What an adored, beautiful angel
  truly the perfect porcelain doll
  but on the inside you are hollow
  there is not beauty there at all
A porcelain doll of imperfection
  with beauty that lies skin deep
  there adoration of you is a
  misconception
  a tragedy for which I weep
For I know that you are no angel
  that you have fallen far from grace
  you are just another devil in disguise
  with a perfect porcelain face
And when that porcelain shatters
  they still refuse to see
  all the cracks in your character
  that are very plain to me
A perfect, porcelain goddess
  an ever radiant porcelain queen
  how they worship the mirage of you
  blind to the truth that I have seen

Was it love?
Is that an accurate description?
It wasn't enough;
we couldn't hold it in our hands.
In my heart it was merely sand,
imprisoned in an hourglass
escaping through the holes you punctured with every betrayal and broken vow,
yet you say let's fix it now?
Duct tape can't fix a broken love,
can't mend a heart that never felt enough,
can't fix the broken promises and shattered dreams;
there's not enough thread to mend these seams.
I was a china doll until I shattered,
cold and fragile, if your word mattered,
but you only knew how to warm the bed;
you didn't care to warm my heart.
Still wonder how it all fell apart?
Yes we thought we had forever
but even if I can be glued back together
love tarnished is just not good enough;
but again, I ask, was it even love?

As I lay me down to sleep
   in the quiet of the night
   I loose these tears I'm meant to keep
   into a pillow, soft and white

As I lay me down to bed
   in satin sheets of yellow gold
   thoughts of you will fill my head
   and all the love we couldn't hold

As I lay me down to rest
   wishing you were by my side
   I think on how we did our best
   but in the end were still denied

As I lay me down to dream
   just as the darkness settles in
   I pray our love will be redeemed
   that we can find what might have been