sweating
im suddenly awake and it's 2 am
thanks to the dream that i was hanging off the edge of my old high school
all of my friends were standing over me, laughing
silly me for thinking i had someone in this world who cared
they mocked and gawked at me
as my shell dangled off the top floor
i felt my brittle fingers try to hold on
and i watched as my best friend pealed them off one by one
sending me into a plunge to the concrete where i had tied my shoes and waved goodbye a thousand times
why is there no one there to catch me?
im shaking and sweating
im awake and alive
but my mind has gone "splat!" against the grainy concrete
im unsure if it was just a dream

pain is something i felt from a young age
not a bruised elbow or a skinned knee
no, far worse
i watched you pulled from the house on a stretcher
in a body bag
my heart felt received 100 skinned knees in 30 seconds
i was 5
i could hear but i didn't listen
as hundreds of people told me it's okay
i blocked off my pain
i built a fortress of false hope around it
false hope that i would forget that day
that false hope makes it harder every year
when june 1st comes and i'm still breathing, somehow
when your birthday falls on thanksgiving and we're still eating, somehow
i have to live like that false hope was real
like there's no more pain
like i don't remember