my father told me
to just come home
once i hit my
breaking point

how do i explain to him
that i don't have a breaking point?

my body will twist and turn
it will boil and bubble from
the inside out but i will
not break and my lungs
will scream for air my
heart tied together with
knots and crosses my hair
falling away in the air
that just isn't enough for me
to breathe

how do i tell him that
my sadness will keep growing
until i am dead and that
there is no 'point' at which it will
be 'bad enough' for me to say
'i give up- take me home'
there will be no point because
father, i will tell him,
father, you raised me as a fighter,
and i do not know how to give up
not when it is the smart option
not when it is the only option
i am not one who gives up and that
is both stupid and deadly but
i know myself to know that i will
stay and stay and stay till it was
far past time to leave
that is why i loved the boy
who wrote poetry on me with a blade
and that is why when he told me he'd **** me
i still stayed
i don't know how to let go
of places or people or things
i don't know how to give up
on ideas or love
that is why
when the nurse asks me
how bad the pain is
on a scale of 1-10
i will always say
something along the lines
of 5
even with a broken spine
and a dislocated skull
i will tell her the pain is 5
because i do not know
what my 10 is
where do i stop to say
this
this is
enough

father, when you tell me to come home
when i've had enough
know that i do not know what 'enough' is
i have always been trying to be 'enough'
i always want to give more than 'enough'
but this strange place called 'enough'
has never been home to me

i'll fight till my
anxiety ties around my neck
and i am blue in the face
purple fingertips
and yellow eyeballs
i'll fight until my
depression creeps into the
veins of my bloodless body
and soars through them
mercilessly
i'll fight until
you put the last of the dirt
upon my fractured grave
because death always came easier
than ever saying
i give up

.

Throw him scraps from the table.
Feed him tiny morsels off the lean.
Offer him last dregs from the barrel.

He’ll take anything you’d part with...
For his eyes are blindfolded,
and his mouth sewn shut.

He sees yet he doesn’t know.
He fights but he does not say.

He can only piece together so much
from mere dribs and drabs.

So toss this crow some loose change...
Clothe this jackal in complete rags,
And hand this vulture his just desserts.

He’ll swallow whatever you’re willing give him...



Because he can no longer bear
being left in the dark.

why is it,
that the water keeps getting colder?
why is it,
that i can't seem to hold you?
why is it,
that i keep going under?
why is it,
that i can't seem to hold you?


why is it,
that the water keeps getting colder?
why is it,
that you're fading away further?
why is it,
that i'm not getting any warmer?
why is it,
that instead of being able to hold you,
the more I'm going under?

now when I think of love I want to puke,
the thought literally makes me sick to my stomach because I know now what it does to a person

how you lose yourself in someone else and then all of sudden you can't breathe anymore without them

I am promising myself to never be that stretched again,
to give myself a try for once, relying only on my intuition and will to power through life and relationships, never getting too blind to see things as they really are

I wanna know what it's like to be so good alone that the earth shatters when I take a step,
electricity radiates from my skin and my soul is so loud it shouts through my eyes

Call a                          doctor/ plumber/ priest
My heart is               broken/ leaking/ deceased
My life is                   worthless/ so much better/ over
I'm going to              **** myself/ tell your wife/ Dover
How could you         leave me/ not know/ lie?
I hope you                return my stuff/ come back/ die
I'll never                   forget you/ forgive you/ go away
I need                        closure/ a DNA test/ to tell you I'm gay
Your                           face/ crotch/ top of your back
Is                                so beautiful/ lumpy/ unusually slack
Your                           ex/ mother/ best friend from school
Always made me      great coffee/ feel inadequate/ drool
I will                           miss you/ **** you/ stalk you forever
That way we can      be friends/ get away with it/ be together
I'm sorry                   you did this/ I did this /we failed
I promise to               pay you/ dye it back/ get you bailed
Please don't               leave me/ show the Polaroids/ write or call

(*delete as appropriate, just delete it all.....)