As you force my head to the bottom of the bathtub
The waters already over me entirely
What do you expect
It’s been about 10 years
And it still effects

In the end
All I wanted was a hug from Angle


In the end
All I needed was a hug

“Once my mother said to me
Don’t ever stop imagining
The day that you do is the day that you die”



(I want to be an artist)

I now have no reason to write another love letter
Its time to move on
Fragility is a *****, but i'm a bigger one
I deserve to be happy and smile
I don't deserve anything below that
You showed me that you weren't a lover
And I did what I did anyways
Now I have nothing to do but move on - Alan

The last time I wrote poetry was the last time I felt love
Now I just find it hard to write at all
when all I think about is the people
Who constantly change
And I stay still

I just don’t feel right
I let things get the better of me

These past five months I’ve changed into a person I’ve never met before
And I’m constantly searching for the past me hoping he’s still there
He felt the most
Cared the most
He made me feel wanted and loved

Time does get the best of us all doesn’t it

I’m brought back to this version of me from 10 years ago
And I feel scared and sympathize with him
Over the loss of control
And having to change everything and start from the top again either it be relations ships
Or friendships
It’s always been hard for me

I try to convince myself that I’m no longer that person and that I’ve changed
But when I’m put in a situation where I have to begin again
I give in and become small again
And wait to grow back
Like a flower having to curl up as the moon sets in place
And very slowly start to open up, slowly as the sun rises up


I’m happy to have met everyone that I love, hate, long, and despise
Thank you for such an experience I’ll never forget to the day I can’t walk no more and have brittle hands and a bedridden body
...
With a big heart

Though we were young, he placed a ring on my hand and said
“Alan, promise me this. When we’re both old and go our separate ways into life, know I will always love you no matter what. If we ever find eachother again somewhere in California promise me we’ll both fall in love again.
And know that you will be the only man I’ll ever love. Keep this to remember me by.”
I say, “I will always love you. No matter where we are no matter how far, I will always have you in my heart. Don’t forget about me. I will always love you.”

The day he left, we swore to never forget
Who and what we were to eachother
And although we never got the chance to marry
I ended up changing my last name to his

(Alan Oliver)
I’ll never forget that smile
And all he made me feel
It brings me solitude

I linger for that smooth touch on my cheeks
From you
But I’ve grown from this too much to learn that I don’t love you anymore
And that’s it

With or without me
I know definitely, you’d still be happy
And I need to learn it and count it for me aswell
In the end you’d always be my Angle
And to you, a friend

The fights we had were quite abnormal
They were quiet
And quite home

I hope I don't turn out like any of them

“But I guess I learned something from you
you gotta be loud and you gotta yell
You gotta break things and make a mess
and leave it for someone else to clean up in the end”

Can you for once
Take me serious
I know how you feel
Your the one who's scared
I loved you
And still love you

I gave you ‘’my’’ opportunities
My self worth
My time
My body
Just to you

Now that you're leaving  
Can’t you just leave me a part of you
I know it seems selfish but It's just not fair

I gave you love
True love
And all I got back in return was.

In desperate measures
I say to myself
“I can care less”

I can see you
through you
your minds a mess
you see nothing else but the light that reflects your lighter
while i make my way towards you
the whole world starts moving faster and faster
you stroll away
i feel ashamed
i want to feel closer

Dear God,

I ask for nothing but for his acceptance and his friendship
But if he wants
I would kindly and happily take his love too

You opened up to me
All flesh and bone
You let me see your weakest and strongest parts


I was in all of them

I feel desperate enough to give somebody my mental being
Just so that I can feel equally returned love
Even for a minute

The best people
Hate, love, laugh, cry, learn, experience

It’s the epitome of what it is to be human

I’ve fallen more in love with your love letters than yourself
Your emotions so captivating and exotic to me
I wish it was meant for me
But I can relate and imagine there is somebody writing me these things

We don’t talk and that’s okay
Things can change in seven days
I know it was the age
My golden age

Meet me at the back of the crowd
this could be our time to slip away
you say the bigger you dream
the smaller your street looks in the rain
ah come on now
you and I both know this is so much more now
than just being bored

Hey, sorry I haven’t texted you back

Can we meet up?

How does the park feel, I can pick you up
...
I wrote another letter

Want to know the title

“Don’t forget to smile today”

I want to see myself grow
I want to grow into myself
Not a mold, but into how I want to be
I want to be happy
I want to be free

“I hope to never come back.
May death bring me peace
And love, oh love come...
Love come”

Your the very reason
I grip my body pillow at night

She is all he needs and desires
And its about time that I require, someone who knows I’m not a fool

Ill hug you
like the draped silk over the coffee table

Angle, thank you so much for all the little things you do that you never know have helped me. I’m grateful to have have met you, I learned such a powerful lesson. Your by far one of the best things that could ever have happened to me. I hope you realize your own self worth and how much your loved not just by me but by your friends and everyone else who’s willing to give so much for you. I hope I can stop giving myself so much stress over this one little conversation I had with you, it meant so much thank you. I hope you do find that one person and be happy. I wish to you only the best and hope you see that too. Thanks for being there and listening to my ugly crying and sobbing. You mean so much to me and others. Don’t change yourself for anyone.
After all of this and everything I hope you see that you’ve helped me out too even in the slightest. And I hope our friendship relationship won’t change either

One time I texted a relative
But the number had actually been changed and I was talking to a complete stranger
We had the usual “wrong person”, “sorry, have a good rest of your day” conversation
At the time I found myself feeling lonely for the past months or so
I felt like waiting for response
I kept waiting
I made my own scenarios
In which we pulled it off and became friends
But I got to my senses and started to cry
I’m deprived of something
Something

I get it,
I don’t need him.
I get it,
He’s not worth it.
I get it,
He shouldn’t stop me.
I get it,
I shouldn’t worry about him.
I get it,
He never loved me.
I get it,
I get it.

I can’t even cry anymore
What was I thinking
It keeps happening
I’m too used to it now
Where did I go wrong

It was my second time falling in the tub desperate for an answer to come from you. It’s already been two months, but my mind makes me feel like it’s been years. I just shrug trying to hold onto the walls for support. I yearned for a hug, a meaningful one. The truth is I don’t feel loved. I don’t know why but I just do. What hurts me more is seeing you be happy and smile with her and knowing that I’ll never be able to make you happy like that. I want to be there. I want to be a lover. I want to make sure you know your loved. But you wouldn’t do that for me. While I’m on all four crying in the bathroom floor I scream “get up! In a way to tell myself that I need to move on. You were the one to say “I’ll take to you later”, that was two months ago. The last thing I can remember so far is the smiley face you wrote on my hand. I saved it on paper so that I can remember it and to one day burn it. Now that’s how I’ll remember you. Your hurt me and I took it. I knew what would happen and I did it. That’s how much I love you. My mental health is nothing compared to my love for you. But I’ll come to mind and heart and realize your toxic and leave. (I got up from the floor)

“ I feel I can do it”
Is much more stronger than
“I think I can do it”
But knowing is much more harder to obtain, it’s the best out of them all

I hope you get exactly what your waiting for
I do
And I know it’s not me

It was night
You were walking alone
I should have walked with you
I should have told you
You were special
You were wasting my time
And I didn’t stop it on purpose
All because I’m so scared
I’m scared to hear “******”
I’m scared to be screamed at
I’m scared to be
I’m scared to be
I’m scared to be alone
Now you’re gone
You were never in my grasp
I can’t wait for a month
Should I tell you?
I’m horrified

A hug from you after you say “sorry”
Is like a gift
But I need more than a simple gift right now

I’ve never broken down like that before

My feet went numb
My head was made of stone
My eyes were waves
My voice was crackling like rocks
My hair was draping
The floor was my bed
Your words were my antagonist

I couldn’t breath

I couldn’t believe

I was breaking

I’ll leave you saddened with the idea
“I can stand myself being alone”
Maybe for a little longer
I just want to find out if you’ll try to stop me

I’ve never fallen more in love with the sea
Than to the day
I saw a reflection in it

We are the complete inverse of eachother
Yet I was still willing to love and fall for you


And I did
Knowing you wouldn’t do the same

Now as he mourns over the only man who would ever love him
He wipes his tears
With his hands now wet
He dips them to the ocean
He whispers, “As the water my bed and I tired, may I rest. Take me away. Let me be whole. Let me, let me.”
I wish to understand why he did what he did
But in the end...it was all he ever knew
Love, oh love
It can ****

You are the dread of  waking up in a lonely bed
In the morning
As you start to wake, you will be reminded of her
I will force myself out of bed, reminding myself of you
While your shuffling with your lighter
I’ll be swifting my bitter coffee
You will never fully leave me because,
You never fully stayed
As you look up to the sky
You won’t feel a thing
As I look up to the sky I will feel the pleasure of being alone
When you walk alone on the street
I will be wanting to run wild through it (listening to lorde)
When my hair gets blown by the wind
I will embrace it
You will just try to fix it later

“Love hurts, the more you give.

(But that’s the thing, you need to give)

I miss your kitchen window view
The effect I had on you
Your voice is lost in static waves
Erased by every day
I still watch the daisies you planted me
Every now and then I sit out side my window
After the rain I like to view the muddy soil
Your foot steps still echo through the walls  
I’m writing this as I paint your portrait

I don’t know what came upon me
I out of nowhere griped my body
As if I were holding on for dear life
Maybe it was because of the cold
Or because I feel somewhat morose

You don’t need to cry, or smile and show it off anymore
You can go if you want to
You can be what you say
If you want to be someone new
Change your car, your phone, your name
That’s all I’m saying for me

I’m not the one to just be friends
No I don’t want to comprehend
Your actions hurt me more than words
No I can’t just go and pretend
Like you

As I slowly drift into the abyss of your love letters
I slowly drift out of reality
I can see roses in your eyes
It calls me
You want me
You call my name
To share a kiss
But know I give only you my bliss
It’s been pluperfect
You say to me
“Nests are hosts to birds, rocks to fish, eyes to handsome boys”
My dear beloved
Pluperfect