I was strolling down my suburban street
Wandering, pondering, enjoying the day,
When, as the pavement hit my feet,
A calming thought came my way.

It floated gently to me, riding on the wind,
And implanted itself in my buzzing brain.
I know, strangely I say this with a grin,
But if falls off my tongue like a gentle Autumn rain.

If things had gone like I planned, 3 months ago I'd be dead.
I would breathe no breath to fill my lungs.
Bear no thoughts to behold my head.
Live no longer to climb life's rungs.

I would be gone, like a whisper in the dark,
Absconding into the unknown oblivion waters of Lethe.
But instead, I flew; like a skylark,
and disengaged my rusty sword from rusty sheath.

I fought my way out from that blistering Hell,
And my cold, frosted skin welcomed the morning sun.
I heard, then, what I can only describe as a victory bell.
At that moment I knew that I had won.

I dug myself out of this deep, dank grave
And found myself smiling at the trees.
My ears perk while songbirds rave,
And I accepted against my flesh, the breeze.

I let your name roll off
My tongue,
One last time.
Like water, dripping down
A melting icicle;
That, and nothing more.

(CONTENT WARNING: NSFW)

Tonight he gave me a full body massage.
He massaged my back and my neck, worked his way down to my legs and told me to flip over.
I laid on my back, in just my underwear as he rubbed my legs.
He looked at me, with a sort of hunger in his eyes, and he said,
"You sure you want a full body massage?"
I said yes.
He started to rub me, in my most vulnerable area.
He kissed my neck, my cheek, my lips.
He kissed me from my lips to my chest to my pelvis.
And then he really kissed me.
He flicked his tongue up and down, and drove me insane with pleasure.
Then he started using his fingers.
I was seeing pure, absolute bliss.
Shaking and shuddering happily with every touch, squirming and moaning.
"Mmm, you like that, baby?" he asked.
Then it hit me, like an explosion of light.
The heat of relief and pleasure, complete relaxation and happiness.
Yes, I said. I pleaded that I needed him.
I wanted him so badly.
"I don't think you want me enough," he said, and I groaned, agonized by his tease.
I really ******* do, I said as I grabbed him and pulled him closer.
He took off his shirt and his boxers,
And pushed inside of me.
It was beautiful and hot, and it felt so good.
I was squirming.
I wanted it hard and fast, but he teased me slowly and gently.
He pulled my hair, he kissed me.
"Is this what you want?" He asked as he ****** deeper and harder.
I was mad with a need for him.
I growled, yes, please baby.
He went wild, then.
And when he finished, I saw that same light and felt that same relaxation.
We were a heap of flesh and sweat and wild love.
"I love you," he told me in a gentle tone, and he kissed my lips.
I love you too, I replied happily.

Once, when I was a teenager, I got drunk and high.
I was so crossfaded;
I saw the world in a Viper Room blurred haze.
I remember the people I was with.
My best friend, and some guys from school.
Everything was moving in slow motion,
frame
by frame
by frame.
I saw phantasms of my friends moving from one side of the room to the other,
their ethereal beings following behind them.
The high undulated every few minutes,
becoming so intense I could just see the waves forming before vanishing.
It was the middle of the night.
I had sat down on the couch next to the neighbor boy.
Touching was very intense.
The heat of his skin through his clothes
where our legs and elbows brushed flushed my cheeks amaranth.
I remember feeling euphoric,
perfectly content about where I was and what I was doing.
He laid his head on my shoulder,
falling out of the high like a wounded raven from the sky.
I was so warm.
I remember thinking I could stay on that couch,
letting this altered state of mind befall upon me in perpetuity.
Happy, forever.

What is in a name?
Broken beyond repair
Revealing what was under the surface
Again and again your fists struck like a bat to a ball
Not even acknowledging what you did
Denying that anything happened
Over the course of 2 years you let me believe you were good
Now I know the truth

You're nothing but an ***.

What is it like to be *****?

It's like waking up and having sleep paralysis.
You can't move your arms,
you can't move your legs.
You can hardly breathe and the whole time you're panicking.
Until you just accept that you can't change it.
You've tried shaking yourself awake
and getting your limbs to flail in an attempt to move yourself.
But nothing works.

It's like waking up with a target on your back
begging boys and men to call you a **** because you
"shouldn't have drank so much."
Is 2 beers and half a cup of whiskey "too much" to you?
Did you acknowledge the fact that it might have been spiked?
Nobody believes you because all the details weren't perfect,
and because you weren't the perfect victim.

Imagine saying no 3 times after he begs you
"please, baby, it'll just be in and out, really quick."
Imagine him getting frustrated with you,
shoving you down on your back
and taking off your pants.
Imagine how it feels when he goes inside of you.
It's like your soul is ripping out of you from the inside,
and the worst part is that you think you're in love with that human.
And because of that, you don't say anything.
You're in shock that he did it,
and he takes your silence as a compliment while he brags about how "tight" you are.

Now you're dating someone four years later.
He's a new guy, and respectable.
He's sweet and wouldn't harm you, that you know of.
You've decided not to tell him about the baggage you carry around
from being a **** victim because it always causes problems.
You've since gotten over the emotional damage for the most part.
But he's started to notice the way you flinch
when he touches certain areas of your body.
The way you get quiet when he doesn't understand why you're not in the mood,
because you're too scared to hurt his feelings.

The memories of what happened to you are always going to be there.
They will never leave.

July 23rd, Tuesday
dial tone ringing
Hello?
Hi there, how are you feeling?
I feel like I'm going to explode.
My mind wont stop racing.
My heart won't stop aching.
Mistakes that I'm making
Keep eating me alive.
Just take a deep breath, tell me why.
I'm a huge ******* joke.
Ask me why again and I'll choke.
My vision is clouded with smoke
and my fragile walls are breaking.
You're not a joke, all you need to do is breathe.
Once the air fills your lungs,
you'll be able to see--
See what? That karma is a *****?
That my lies make people's skin itch?
I know that I'm absolutely worthless.
I know, I know. I deserve this.
No! No, you're not worthless! You just need--
Click
Dial tone

-The Shriveled, Dead Spider.