Four years was all it took
Four years of waiting
Four Years of watching
Four years of pain
Four Years of heartbreak

Four LONG years of pain and heartbreak,
of my feelings being disregarded and thrown aside,
four long years of being the second choice was all it took

I regained my senses, regained my pride

I figured out my worth and my RIGHT to be noticed

I realized  deserved better and I stood up for myself,

But after four, long, long years...
I am still stuck on you,
my first love,
my first heartbreak...

You are my dopamine,
the only one of your kind...

Brown eyes seem to be my weakness
Although I've spent years hating mine
I've fallen in love with the deep chocolate orbs more often than not

They come with a smile and a familiar warmth
Eyes that draw you in, forever a cyclone of emotions
I've spent years hating mine
Wishing for something different
Maybe a little blue

However, irony has me in its grips
I seem to find myself falling for those chocolate orbs all over again, getting lost in the warmth
A painful cycle I am hoping to forget.

I had a date with past heartbreak
Brown eyes and a smile
The type of features that begged you to stay for a while
Maybe sit down and have some tea
Then discuss the past and what used to be

I had a date with past heartbreak
That date turned to two
And that one to three
I found myself falling again
On a date with past heartbreak

We spoke for hours
we spoke for days
I couldn't see myself with anybody else
What started out as a friendly gesture
Turned into passion and emotion

i HAD a date with past heartbreak
Who would've thought it would've left another wound?

This wont be a poem, it's an actual conversation of me venting out how I feel

You always tell me to ****

because you need to ****, its in the past

i cant okay because I'm so ******* confused on everything.I feel like such a **** up nobody wants me and i feel like everything i do always ends up ****** and all i want is you tbh i cant even think of kissing someone and idk how it happened with C i was just having a good time and
M's ex was right
everything he says about me is right and i just I don't know but his favorite thing was to call me a stupid freak or a giraffe legged ***** so
and honestly all of those are right
"I see why your boyfriend dump you"
I see it too
and i just
I'm sorry
I'm a mess
I'm sorry

Stop

*i really shouldn't pour out on you
you have your own stuff and i know I'm probably stress
i cant do anything right
there has to be a reason everyone leaves me and i know its always me
MB hated me because I'd always get upset so easily and I'd cause "drama"
my last boyfriend couldn't handle that I was damaged and i thought you would stay and i know you want to fix your life
but
****
I'm sorry
Im sorry i **** things up and break down so easily
I'm sorry I'm really sorry
i feel like every guy i date only wants me to pass time or to try and **** me and that's awful because i know it might not be true but
I cant even trust myself to stay happy
who says i can trust a guy not to hurt me and to top it all off I'm so scared you'll see what i see wrong in me and what M's ex did and ill lose you
or you'll find someone else and i wont know and you'll just slowly stop responding and stop caring
because they're prettier and you can see them
or you actually love them and not me and it hurts because i get in my head
I love you.

I've never liked the color brown
It has always seemed too weird to me..
In art brown can be made by mixing every color together and waiting to see what happens..

I ruined some of my best paints that way.

In earth brown is the tree bark, sometimes the fur of a small animal
Sometimes brown is the pile of dung you stepped in playing in your yard as a little kid.

Brown reminds me of the smell of a cow pasture
some people find it comforting
I just find it disgusting

I thought I could never love someone with brown eyes, for I even hated my own golden brown eyes.

But then I say him
He was perfect
everything about his was something I desired
everything from his hair to the small things like his country accent that got me so captured

The first thing  noticed when I saw him was his eyes
His big beautiful brown eyes
They were so mysterious and there was whirlpool of emotion entwined inside
I could see into them like open doors and I got lost in them
I loved his eyes
more than I thought i could ever love anything that shade of brown.

*I still hate my eyes
but the thought of his eyes bring me such joy.
The thought of the chocolate eyes that made me so happy and I fell so hard for.

Behind the narcotic haze,
can you even see yourself?

Can you recognize yourself,
under all the scars and smoke?

Can you sort something other,
than the pills you've taken?

Or filter out something,
other than you ***** you're drinking?

Can you say with one hundred percent conviction,
that this is better this way?

Can you say without any ounce of future contradiction,
that you'll never see better days outside your drug-induced-haze?

Starless eyes,
blending with empty smiles..

Hidden beneath,
is the indifferent, callous, leering, and charred remains of a heart.

One covered in diamonds in gold,
now singed ad cracked,
constantly under attack..

Finally you have come to realize,
that nothing else remains.