All of the distaste
For the life of disgrace

An unloving mother,
One helpless little brother

An abusing father
The eldest daughter

The poor family falls
As the devil calls

We’re falling down
Here is your crown

You’re the queen of despair
The world so unfair

you lock your lips
As you cut your hips

Your blood will stain
As your tears rain

Protecting your little brother
As the hits go to you, and your mother

Drunkenness takes your father
You tell yourself you’re not his daughter

Stuck in this rut
All you can do is cut

But life tries to make you drown
As the bath water begins to surround

One breath, two breath, three breath, four
Sadly your lungs don’t work anymore

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The birds woke me up
With the singing of their voices
Such a lovely little song
But my head fills with choices
the birds sing and make a new song
As I sit in my bed wishing to die
But somehow I still listen along
trying not to cry
Because I’ve learned the birds are not singing
The lovely noises are their crying
We have so much in common
Just like me, they wish to be dying

Somewhere over the rainbow;
They say blue birds fly.
But, they don’t
They just die,
Just like us.
They realize life ******
Sorry kid, you’re ******

It’s seen me before a presentation fear In my eyes
It’s seen me pulling at my fat, wondering why I still have thunder thighs

It’s seen my scars on my body from where I self hate
It’s seen me debating my fate

It’s seen me rehearsing my smile for that blasted picture day
It’s seen me hide the shake in my voice as I lie that I’m okay

My reflection has seen everything and still stuck around
But you’ve only seen a partial, and you’re no where to be found...

You will never be able to be pleased.
I know when you’re upset,
I know when you’re in a fret,
I know when you’re mad,
I know when you’re sad,
But you don’t know when I’m crying
But you don’t know when I’m dying
But you don’t know when I’m hurting
But you don’t know when I’m averting

I take all of your words and pain,
and all you do is tell me I’m insane.

You get mad at me for cutting,
so I learned to hide them.
You get mad at me for crying,
so I learned to do it when you’re out.
You get mad when I am lying,
so I learned to put on a mask;
And when I fall and crumble,
You don’t care enough to ask.

Fight
fists
Sweating
Blood
Fight
Yelling
Screaming
Punching
Kicking
Fight
This is what we think of when we say fight,
But what about the fight that we don’t say
The fight that goes on every day
The fight that make us want to cry
The fight that can make you die
The fight that we forget about
The one that fills us with doubt
The one that makes us want to scream
The one that excludes us from the team
That is the fight
And it takes all our might
Just to get through the day
And when someone asks how we are we manage to say “ok”
Even if we aren’t “good”
And this is why we pull up our hoods
Blast music in our ears
Filling our souls with fears
This my friends
Is the fight

10:30 pm
There’s a girl In the bathroom
She crying in a tub
With a razor in her hand
Covered in blood

11:00 pm
That same girl is sitting in her bed
Thoughts running rampant
Wishing she was dead

12:00 am
She goes to a store
She buys rope
Her neck is what it’s for

9:00 am
Her parents go out
She ties up the noose
She keeps telling herself “This is it no doubt”

9:15 am
She has the rope around her neck
But suddenly her phone goes off
She tells herself i will regret if I don’t check

9:30 am
she sitting on her bed in tears
She reading a text
And it’s taking away all her fears

9:31 am
The text says “I love you and I’ll always be there
But it continues with I just wanted you to know I pray for you every day and night,”
She carefully took off the noose and stepped down from the chair

9:40 am
The noose is unraveled and on the ground
She threw out her razors
She prayed to God “thank you for making me found”




AD

2018

My minds like a hotel, but with no pay

Stay as long as ya like

Or even just a day




So the first day I opened up this guy  happy came to town

he wanted to crash and stay around

He stayed a while and became real known


But By the time I was 12 this guy depression walked right in

I put him a room in the back

Only to see him come attack

He liked to say stuff

And get real rough





I closed up shop

We were all asleep late one night

And depression called up his bud Useless fright,

People knew him as anxiety

And then He made a call to society

The rules, the dress codes, everything

He preached about weight and what clothes to bring




So I wake up and open up shop

to see two people waiting for the doors to unlock.

Guess who...

Anxiety and society, oh no not you too
I give them a room in the back

And my head gets filled with this crap

You’re Fat, ugly, and stupid society screams

While anxiety whispers in my ear, for-filling his schemes.




After that happy checks out

Happy says “I didn’t know they would bring such doubt”





Uh oh

Here we go

Hotels falling real fast

Because of their schemes and screams

Ding ding

There goes the door

Oh jeez not one more

Hey I’m isolation he said

I give him a room keeping him fed





They all join forces making it tough

Always making life rough





Ding ****

I open the door

Without saying anything he skids the floor

Hey dude that’s no ok

I didn’t do it he lies and starts to say
So I guess you’re lies

I look him in the eyes

No I’m truth he goes on

Wow your completely wrong

Pick a room I don’t care

Have fun remember to share

I’m so tired I sit in my chair

This hotel is in disrepair






I turn 13 years old

Nothing but the Same old same old

But then knock knock

Who are you?

Well I’m self harm how’ do you do?

Take a room in the back

Rooms we lack





I close the door only to here

Ding ding

I open up

Uh oh he looks tough

Suicidal thoughts is the name

And trust me don’t get in my way




So rest of the year life is bad

and that’s when it happens it gets real sad

Suicidal thoughts calls up his brother

Suicidal actions shows up and gets a room




So thats when the hotel shakes

she did it! They yell, this has to be fake

They all run out leaving the rooms trashed

Uh oh she’s gonna crash

Fast forward to the morning we wake up

wait what?

I thought we were dead!




They are all gone but they left their stuff

I end up in a hospital for a month

I get much better and now

Their stuff it’s still left behind

But I only let in the kind

Happy, fun, hope, and love

Everyone else just gets a shove

My minds hotel all repaired

And now I know now people really do care

I’m the kind of sick
A hospital can’t fix
Even if the nurses try
I’ll never learn to fly

I’m a bird without its wings
When I remember this predicament, it stings
I want to learn to fly, to soar
But my wings don’t work anymore

I try to get out of bed
Trying to get regularly fed
But I rather dream of other places
Meeting all the new faces

I rather lay with all my comforting pillows
Stay inside, away from the outside willows
I rather sit in my own tears, soon to drown
My lips seem to form a permanent frown

Because what’s the use of a bird who can’t seem to fly
It’s the equivalent of a human who wishes to die...

AD
2019

I come back to this website after two years, I have found myself now. I used to be such a bad person waving confederate flags and saying slurs. Now I have found out that I myself am not a straight Christian girl.  I won’t be editing my old poems but if you are confused I no go by he/it prounous I’m a non-binary male and I’m pansexual hope this doesn’t change anything to the few people who saw my poems

Worthless
I feel it all the time
And I’m on the wrong side of the line
Because little do you know
About the enormous war zone
That’s Going on in my head
Making me wanna be dead
Slowly killing the true me
Taking away the girl I used to be
Only leaving the new worthless me