In retrospect, I expect
My fall will come
As I self inspect the set
Of selfish things I’ve done

I’ll carry it with me, for I cannot forget how
S said my life marked by shame and regret
should be taken away by the end of the year.
But instead, Peace made a coward of fear

You’ll carry it for me, and I’ll remember
You saved me around this time last December
This stone marks the miles I’ve walked since then
Peace shall prevail, S loses again.

I’d give it all, just to remain  
where fear is but a phantom pain

The faded echo of despair
Would always fail to reach me there

Through tears I beg and plead with you,
To turn my bleeding eyes unto

The Wood on which His blood has stained
The residue of phantom pains.

If I spill my fear onto a page, I hope
I will at last be fit to to cope
By carefully crafting verses that can shelve my pain
And apathetically alliterating anxiety away
Perhaps then
I’ll be able to sleep again

But that which devours me and keeps me in chains
Will choke on the blood that runs through His veins

I think I saw you today
Out of the corner of my eye
Or maybe it was just a tear
Either way for the briefest moment
I knew you were near
___________

I looked for you at
Yesterday’s wake
To see if you weren’t somewhere
In the corner where I last laid eyes on you
And then lost sight of you;
Blindsided by suicidal thoughts

I looked for you in
Tomorrow’s dreams
And came to realize that
All that once seemed clear and bright
Had lost its glowing vital signs
As the flatline crossed out
My future course

I’ll look for you
Today.
In the dark of now.
I’ll light a match and search for you
Illuminated by your flickering shadow,
I’ll remember why I’m glad to be alive
Today.

Embedded in the couch
was the frame of what’s left of me
The weeping was racking my body
The impulse was wrecking my soul
So I clasped my hands in desperate prayer  
to keep myself from going there
To keep myself from reaching for
the objects that were screaming at me
I had to hold tightly to the thought
That I had been bought at a price
For by your wounds, mine were healed