Why is during this month is the toughest for me?

It’s the first month of the year
And I feel I struggle the most with myself
With my mental health

I can’t seem to not let the past pain get to me but it does
I’m angry with myself
Angry that I seem to put her first before myself
That I’m always thinking about her
That is who I want to be near
Her side
Know what is she doing
Can I be there too?
Can I be there just to have your company
Can’t I?

Angry that I haven’t gone farther than I should
Always spending since it helps relieve some pain that I don’t have much
To relieve the feeling of not feeling loved

Angry that I can’t seem to look myself in the mirror

Clothes cover the flaws but the flaws are still there
Angry as of why was I made like this
Made with a sensitive heart
Made with such a big heart

The **** feeling of wanting to cry
The tears flow but still feel deep cut

Angry that Im letting this get over me
To take over my sleep

Angry that at the end of the day I think of her or another her
But mostly her

I don’t get it
My emotions
My feelings
My heart

01.08.2020

When did it change?
When did the bond between us become different?

It became different when the things we used to do shifted into a different relationship with someone else
Not our relationship

Someone else
Who made me feel he was better than me
Better than our relationship
Better with you
Better with our friendship
Someone else
who you  can talk with

And now

The things we did
You do it with someone else
Someone else
That you stayed up with to talk to
Someone else
To watch tv shows with you
Someone else
To do the things we did before
Someone else who is allowed to give you hugs

It’s different now because I feel I’m the second choice now
When things become hard for y’all
That’s when you want to pay attention to us

I want to be done
I want to be done with the feelings of unsureness of us
I don’t want to keep coming to your side at your weakness point because of y’all had a bad time

I can’t keep coming to your side
I can’t keep giving you what he can’t
Because I have given you from the start everything I could offer

And now what am I for you?

01.08.2020

I feel my heart breaking over and over again
The emotions coming through like a tsunami
The tears wanting to be free

It hurts
It aches
It burns

I can’t stand it

I just want to unfeel
Unsee
Undo

I just want to leave

Laying in this bed. Thinking.
Thinking about why this or why that.
Staring up at the ceiling wondering.
Wondering why do we linger on the past.
Why do we hold onto something that is gone?
Why is it hard for us, humans, to let go and start something new.
Start something fresh.
Why linger on the past that has hurt us?
Why do we linger on the pain?
The pain is deep.
So deep it turns in to scars.
Why don't we hold on to the good memories?
The good memories that would give chills up out spine because of the joy.
Or the ones that give light in our eyes?
Or the ones that give us laughter to share?
Silence.
Darkness.
Is what fill the space around me.
Time for me to think but not at the right moment
Because I should be sleeping.

02.10.19

A heart
A heart is an *****.
An ***** that holds all emotional connections to another specie.
An ***** that give lives through the body of a specie.
An ***** that creates emotional connections with a lover, a partner, a friend or fue.
An ***** that supplies blood through the body in order to be alive and feel.
A heart in which humans have developed to be value because of love and emotions.
This heart of ours once fully functional to understand love has been through the highs and lows.
The pathway to greatness.
The feeling of high on life.
The feeling of scars that are healed with generous memories.
So value that one would protect the heart with walls.
That without it how could one love?
How could one trade emotional contact with a lover?
The walls surround the heart from pain.
But the walls can't be strong enough just for protection.
When the heart is connected with the mind in which binds emotional life to other species.
The heart of them all.
That binds us to love.
Binds us to live.
What are we without it?

02.12.19

Tell me why I'm feeling like this. With my chest feeling heavy.
With my mind thinking all over the place.
I shouldn't be feeling like this.  Feeling like it's unfair.
Like why? Why can't I let my love for you go?
With my heart thriving for someone that I could never have.
With my heart being crazy that's affecting my mind.
What am I kidding?
Always wanting someone that would never be mine.
Take a grip already and move on. Let go.
Who am I kidding?
You were my first true love if I'm honest.
Before him.
Before her.
You always held a grip on my heart that rushes to my blood into my head.
You don't know even know what power you have over me.
You don't even know that I could never move on if I don't let go you go completely.
I am here mostly for you.
To be by your side. To know you are thriving your best.
Because I don't want to let you go.
Seeing you with other shutters me intensively.
With my mind and heart clashing with another that my body is shattered between space.
Irritation among them all because you don't know.
You think you know but you don't.
Will you ever know the power you have over my heart?
Will I ever be able to move on from you?
Am I so naive to keep a light on hoping that maybe us can become something real?
Am I so naive to think I can keep going like this?
The power you have over me and you will never know what you do to me...

04.19.19

I sleep.
I wake up.
I toss.
I turn.
Just to try to fall asleep again.
Fall into this realm of fantasy.
Where my dreams of the unconscious reality of what could be happening in reality.
I’m going to go off tangent than it needs to be.
I’m with you but why do I feel so far?
Why do I feel your heart and mind is million miles out of reach from me?
I miss you dearly
But
I know I shouldn’t be afraid to lose you.
I shouldn’t be preparing myself to feel you walking away from me.
I feel alone
And
I just want you near me.
To hold me.
To tell me that I will be fine.
To remind me I am not alone.

Leave me breathless.
Take away my sorrows just one night.
Hold me like no other just this one night.

That's all I want at this moment.
Take away the deep emotions that my body is going through just for one night.
Let me feel the joy of life that has been given to me.
​

What I feel in my heart is unloved.
The feeling of being loved.
She didn't teach me what or how love is
so when I felt the love I loved hard.

I gave them my everything
that I gave too much to the wrong ones.
I learned through my life to not give too much
but it is hard.

With so many stabs.
With so many scares.
I am afraid to open up again.
I don't want to reach out.
I will rather be alone.

With my eyes, I feel sadness within.

So deeply. That when I write it makes me wants to cry.

Three years now.
Battling just to get the pain to be less. To get new knees that has been worn and torn by a disease.
To be able to walk with less pain.
To feel free just a bit more.

First was to find a doctor.
You heard third time the charm.
Found a surgeon who could fix the unknown damages from an absolute mess of another.
You know it's just normal to not be able to use a knee the way it was meant to be use. You know to bend or straight when it was necessary. Your body can handle the adjustments just a bit more.
Only took almost a year to find.
Now the wait of approval from FDA and insurance?

Just stiffness in the morning. No biggie. More pain meds. No biggie either.
The call came in. A voice said it's approved. Yeppie!!
Only a year later of waiting.
Papers signed. Now the date of surgery.
But first. Get the medical clearance. No worries. Easy pisey. Okay. Date set.
You know only about couple days for the big day.
Oh! A voice came in. Insurance didn't approve the surgery just yet.
Say what?!? Tears flow down as the voice speak.  
Hope was shot down like piercing a hole into a heart.
It's okay the voice said. Don't give up on me yet. It will happen! Be patient please. Yea patient is the key. That's all I've given to you was patient. Anger boils within.

Time has past. More pain around the knee. You know the normal wear and tear of the disease. It's okay. You are strong. You can do it. Been dealing with it your whole life.
It's the voice. Finally good news. Insurance approved!
Only half a year later. Okay. The process of medical clearance again.

Office visit.
Talk with the voices about surgery. Sign more papers. Know every single detail. Happy faces. Good vibes. Only took us two years to get here. Finally the big day has finally happening soon. Give hugs and smiles.
Driving to work. The voice appeared on the phone.
Stare at the phone wondering why. Answered. Voice said bad news. There was miscommunication with company of the implant and the voices.

Say what?!?
You know how many times can hope and faith be ripped out of you? Devasted. Burned to the core.
Broken. Faith was lost. Holding the breakage of the tears. Got to work. Tears flew like a water. Anger boiling like an exploding volcano. That's it. I'm done. No more faith. This isn't happening anytime soon. Dreams were pushed back further. Just continue to live life. Continue college. Graduation is coming soon. You don't need the new knees jsut yet.

More pain appeared each day.
All this battle just to get this surgery. What does one single person have to fight through just to get this? Is there hope in me to continue to wait? It's only three years. How many more just to feel less pain? Now more waiting.

Silence grew upon me.
Don't want to feel.
Don't want to express.
But most of all didn't want to write.

The one thing that keeps me sane.
That helps me let go or experience the feel of emotions.
But now the emotions are too much for me wanting to feel.
Irritated when one tries to speak with me.
Annoyed that I am feeling this way.

Silence is all I want.
To be alone.
To not associate with another.
To just be me.
Be on my own world.
Suppress the emotions that comes towards my way.

Writing seems to not help me like before.
The thoughts are jumble.
The feels are irritating.
The emotions is just full of crap.

How do I manage to escape this?
How do I manage to move on from this?
How do I manage to accept this?
Because I never asked to feel this way
And silence is what feels the best at this.

It's gotten bad.
To the point that I let the emotions consume me.
Consume me from writing the ink.
I wanted to supress my feels.
I wasn't ready to let waves of emotions come through my body.

I didn't want to feel anymore.
I didn't want to share my love to another anymore.
Too hurt to feel the emotions.
I wanted to be alone.
I wanted to be silent.

Felt like I wasn't enough to feel human.
Tired of the fire burning inside.
But.
I know.
I need.
To let go.
I have to feel it.
Let the words come through my fingertips.

But I was afraid of the ink.
Afriad that if the ink is expressed.
I will feel the depression.
The anger.
The fire.
The anxiety.

It all grown upon me.
Like soliders attacking the enemy.
When will it stop.
At the pit of the throat, piles of innocent ink fill the hole.
Trying to escape.

And maybe now I am ready to let the ink flow through my body.

She was never enough for you.
Judgment from the day she learned that she is a human being.
The day she knew what a daughter was supposed to be.
The day she knew that words had meaning.
That the words can create feelings inside of her.

By you, she was never enough for you.
Thrown by words that torn an innocent heart into pieces.
Before the heart was even ready to mature and love another beside her own mother.
Your words thrown to the corner that she never felt she wasn't enough.
That love from you will never be felt inside of her.

So she learned to live afar from.
To not come near you.
That any bond she creates with you will be burn down from your lips.
As each action she tried to earn your love.
But it wasn't enough.

Walls were built around her heart.
Then she learned what is love from another.
But still grow afar from you
because she wasn't enough.

She prove and prove
But the judgements and names always came through your lips.

When will she be enough for you?
When she's dead?
When she pushed you to the curb and have her own life?

Aches. Pains.
When does it stop?
From one year old,
all I endure was aches and pain.
Stiff. Crack. Pop. Joint.
The words to my disease.  
Rheumatoid. Arthritis.

From a child,
all I was told to take these pills to help the pain.
The pills that were suppose to be magical as I was told as a child.
Magical pills to take the ease of the aches and pain.

Time has pass, as I am older than now and still dealing with the aches and pain.
I learned to not let those words define me but reshape me.
Make me whole and accept that I am me.
I am stronger today than I was yesterday.
Yes the pain doesn't stop
But what I can control is my thoughts on my disease.
Stiff. Crack. Pop. Joint.
Those words will follow me to the endless of time
But
It will not control me.

The sun is sleeping while the moon is awake to its turn to shine bright in the sky.
Look up in the sky and you can see the stars shining brighting with the moon.
I’m awake.
Thinking.
Consolidating over my thoughts.
Music is playing to ease the many thoughts that are running through my mind.
Have you wonder why do we sleep when the sun is also sleeping?
But really the sun is not sleeping, it’s on the on the side of the world shining brought for others to see the distance of light.

I stare into space within these four walls of mine.
What holds my personal belongs.
What expresses some of inch of who I am.
What keeps my heart entirely part from the rest.
These four walls is what I call own space.
Where my bed belongs at the time being.
The bed that hold the memories of myself.
The memories that lingers in my mind.
As I lay here and stare into space,
I feel that frustration of just wanting to quit.
But then same time I can not quit.
These four walls that keep me sane when I am wanting to unleash the beast.
Where I can pump my music loud without being disturb.
Where I can unleash my creativity at the time being.
These four walls where I stare into space is what I can call my own until I can have more walls with multiple rooms and tremendous space of my own.

I am the stars.
When you look up into the dark sky
and you see the moon and the stars,
think of me.
Because I am the star,
shining bright for you.
Remember me.
Remember the first time we talked and I made you smile.
Remember the first time I made you laugh.
Remember the first time you saw me
and you wanted me as yours.
The woman that you could love.
The woman you felt so easily to trust.
The woman that made you feel love in many ways that others could not.
Think of me.
Think of what memories we could both have together.
Think of how I made your heart flutter.
Think of how I made you moan for me.
Feel the stars.
Feel my hands in yours.
Feel my body on yours.
Feel my kisses only for you.
Now, remember us.
Us, that will build within each other.
Us, is what you said you want.
You want only me.
You want to love me.
You want me as yours.
So the stars I told you to look upon,
I am yours. I am here to serve your heart as you serve mine
I am your star.

You.
You deserve.
You deserve to feel what it feels like to receive the love you crave.

In my heart,
I feel the passion of love you crave.
You've been through storms
and fought through them to get to the sun.

I can't say,
I will be the last love you will love.
I can't say,
I'll be there forever to hold onto because we can't define forever even though people say it's endless.

I can't say,
I can hold you together.
I can't say,
we won't have our arguments or disagreements.
I can't say,
we will always see eye to eye in each other.

I can say,
I will use my whole power to make you happy.
I can say,
I will my strength to do everything in my power to be there for you, to hold all your sorrows,
and pain with you.
I can say,
I will smile when you are down. I will hold you in my arms when you need your woman to hold onto.

My heart is yours.
Use my heart to love on.
To learn me and what I can give you.

I can't take the pain you went through in the past away but I will do my hardest to give you happiness and joy. To have faith in us more than ever.
As time pass,
I will hold you dearest to me like you've been towards me.
​

She feels. She sees. She breaks.
Through her eyes is her whole world in it.
When she looks up at the sky to see the clouds and stars,
She lets go of the pain just for a moment.
The sky gives her a moment of relief.
A moment to feel the happiness.
Through her heart is her love that she express to only certain ones
that believes in her.
She will be whole again when time heals her wounds.
Stand clear of her because she will not let anyone step in her way of her path.
She is strong. She is scare. She is unique.
Don't come in her life
If you're just here for a moment of your desire.

I sleep but feel my conscious self still awake.
I don't know what is going with me
But I feel more sad than before.
I shed tears of pain.
The pain that went through me by the years of my life.
I'm holding on the edge
But I don't know how long I can keep myself up.
As I let the pain feel through me,
I am shedding the tears that I kept in way to long.
I know today will be heavy on me.
I feel this day will the heaviest than the last three years of this date has passed.
Only because I am growing and feeling more of my pain that before.
Feeling the heartbreak of words and actions of myself and those threw at me.
I am losing my grip.
Encouragement. Self esteem. Happiness.
My mind feels like to let go and get myself together.
It's time to let go.
No matter how much the pain will hurt,
I need to let go.
I will share myself to those who see and feel every inch of me.
I will go on and do my dream.
I will let this pain push to greater things once the tears pass and I soak in this day of her.
I will cry. I will let it out. I cannot hold it anymore.
It's time to be on my own. Time to start me and actually be happy. I don't need others for happiness.
I will let this day to shed every inch of pain then no more until its true feelings of what I feel.
I will live this memory of you.
I will learn to let go.
I am strong.
I am done.
01.05.17