How can I cope with the lost I’ve dealt with? How can I deal with that you’re gone? Three years you’ve gone and I’m stilling feeling the pain of you being ripped from my heart. The image of you in tears trying to let go. Let go of the beautiful life you had.
As I stand there holding back the tears of you going, I give you the image of me being strong. That I will be okay and that you can leave in peace knowing I am strong. As the words ripped from my mouth, “let go, Grandma.” I feel crushed and more lonely. I see tears rolling down your cheeks. I whipped them away and tell you, “it’s okay, go be with grandpa.” Your grandson and eldest son says the same thing. “Let go my dear. It’s okay. It’s time. We will be okay.” One last grip from your sweat soft hands is what I felt last of your strength. You left. I stood still. I burst into tears. I ran. I ran to my next love I hold dear my heart.
As I burst into tears of pain in her arms, I am frustrated that you’re gone too soon from me. Too soon because I just started growing and knowing what I want in live.
As I write these words of pain, tears roll from eyes. I miss you dearly and every time it hits the Fall season I think of you more. I know you would want me to keep going and be strong. Each day, I live for myself but also live for you. To show you, I am here and still moving forward. I will be the granddaughter you were proud of. I will show your own daughter that I don’t need her like you told me.
The holidays are approaching and that's when I think of you the most. Love you forever. Always holding me together. You were the truest love I could ever feel and have.
I sleep. I wake up. I toss. I turn. Just to try to fall asleep again. Fall into this realm of fantasy. Where my dreams of the unconscious reality of what could be happening in reality. I’m going to go off tangent than it needs to be. I’m with you but why do I feel so far? Why do I feel your heart and mind is million miles out of reach from me? I miss you dearly But I know I shouldn’t be afraid to lose you. I shouldn’t be preparing myself to feel you walking away from me. I feel alone And I just want you near me. To hold me. To tell me that I will be fine. To remind me I am not alone.
I stare into space within these four walls of mine. What holds my personal belongings. What expresses every inch of who I am. What keeps my heart entirely part from the rest. These four walls is what I call own space. Where my bed belongs at the time being. The bed that holds the memories of myself. The memories that lingers in my mind. As I lay here and stare into space, I feel that frustration of just wanting to quit. But then same time I can not quit. These four walls that keep me sane when I am wanting to unleash the beast. Where I can pump my music loud without being disturb. Where I can unleash my creativity at the time being. These four walls where I stare into space is what I can call my own until I can have more walls with multiple rooms and tremendous space of my own.
The sun is sleeping while the moon is awake. It’s the moon turn to shine bright in the sky. Look up in the sky and you can see the starts shining brighting with the moon. I’m awake. Thinking. Consolidating over my thoughts. Music is playing to ease the many thoughts that are running through my mind. Have you wonder why do we sleep when the sun is also sleeping? But really the sun is not sleeping, it’s on the on the side of the world shining brought for others to see the distance of light. For those who can’t sleep But just wonder throughout the night. For those who are night owls. For those who travel through the night just to feel the peace. The calm. The breeze. But I’m here. Poundering through my thoughts. My emotions. My feelings. Wondering when my life would be just at ease. When will sleep let me feel at peace.
Three years now. Battling just to get the pain to be less. To get new knees that has been worn and torn by a disease. To be able to walk with less pain. To feel free just a bit more.
First was to find a doctor. You heard third time the charm. Found a surgeon who could fix the unknown damages from an absolute mess of another. You know it's just normal to not be able to use a knee the way it was meant to be use. You know to bend or straight when it was necessary. Your body can handle the adjustments just a bit more. Only took almost a year to find. Now the wait of approval from FDA and insurance?
Just stiffness in the morning. No biggie. More pain meds. No biggie either. The call came in. A voice said it's approved. Yeppie!! Only a year later of waiting. Papers signed. Now the date of surgery. But first. Get the medical clearance. No worries. Easy pisey. Okay. Date set. You know only about couple days for the big day. Oh! A voice came in. Insurance didn't approve the surgery just yet. Say what?!? Tears flow down as the voice speak. Hope was shot down like piercing a hole into a heart. It's okay the voice said. Don't give up on me yet. It will happen! Be patient please. Yea patient is the key. That's all I've given to you was patient. Anger boils within.
Time has past. More pain around the knee. You know the normal wear and tear of the disease. It's okay. You are strong. You can do it. Been dealing with it your whole life. It's the voice. Finally good news. Insurance approved! Only half a year later. Okay. The process of medical clearance again.
Office visit. Talk with the voices about surgery. Sign more papers. Know every single detail. Happy faces. Good vibes. Only took us two years to get here. Finally the big day has finally happening soon. Give hugs and smiles. Driving to work. The voice appeared on the phone. Stare at the phone wondering why. Answered. Voice said bad news. There was miscommunication with company of the implant and the voices.
Say what?!? You know how many times can hope and faith be ripped out of you? Devasted. Burned to the core. Broken. Faith was lost. Holding the breakage of the tears. Got to work. Tears flew like a water. Anger boiling like an exploding volcano. That's it. I'm done. No more faith. This isn't happening anytime soon. Dreams were pushed back further. Just continue to live life. Continue college. Graduation is coming soon. You don't need the new knees jsut yet.
More pain appeared each day. All this battle just to get this surgery. What does one single person have to fight through just to get this? Is there hope in me to continue to wait? It's only three years. How many more just to feel less pain? Now more waiting.
Hope is there but only a flinch of light to not give up. Just have to deal with restless nights and whatever else that comes my way. I can do this. Anxiety will not get to me. This disease will not control me.
Silence grew upon me. Don't want to feel. Don't want to express. But most of all didn't want to write.
The one thing that keeps me sane. That helps me let go or experience the feel of emotions. But now the emotions are too much for me wanting to feel. Irritated when one tries to speak with me. Annoyed that I am feeling this way.
Silence is all I want. To be alone. To not associate with another. To just be me. Be on my own world. Suppress the emotions that comes towards my way.
Writing seems to not help me like before. The thoughts are jumble. The feels are irritating. The emotions is just full of ****.
How do I manage to escape this? How do I manage to move on from this? How do I manage to accept this? Because I never asked to feel this way And silence is what feels the best at this.
She was never enough for you. Judgment from the day she learned that she is a human being. The day she knew what a daughter was supposed to be. The day she knew that words had meaning. That the words can create feelings inside of her.
By you, she was never enough for you. Thrown by words that torn an innocent heart into pieces. Before the heart was even ready to mature and love another beside her own mother. Your words thrown to the corner that she never felt she wasn't enough. That love from you will never be felt inside of her.
So she learned to live afar from. To not come near you. That any bond she creates with you will be burn down from your lips. As each action she tried to earn your love. But it wasn't enough.
Walls were built around her heart. Then she learned what is love from another. But still grow afar from you because she wasn't enough.
She prove and prove But the judgements and names always came through your lips.
When will she be enough for you? When she's dead? When she pushed you to the curb and have her own life?
Self love is hard to form inside the heart at an young age fighting for love was a battle. As she learned about her life and who she was, that self love was formed from others and she fought for herself. She learned that herself was enough to live. She didn't need her mother's approval to feel that self love.
Aches. Pains. When does it stop? From one year old, all I endure was aches and pain. Stiff. *****. Pop. Joint. The words to my disease. Rheumatoid. Arthritis.
From a child, all I was told to take these pills to help the pain. The pills that were suppose to be magical as I was told as a child. Magical pills to take the ease of the aches and pain.
Time has pass, as I am older than now and still dealing with the aches and pain. I learned to not let those words define me but reshape me. Make me whole and accept that I am me. I am stronger today than I was yesterday. Yes the pain doesn't stop But what I can control is my thoughts on my disease. Stiff. *****. Pop. Joint. Those words will follow me to the endless of time But It will not control me.
The sun is sleeping while the moon is awake to its turn to shine bright in the sky. Look up in the sky and you can see the stars shining brighting with the moon. I’m awake. Thinking. Consolidating over my thoughts. Music is playing to ease the many thoughts that are running through my mind. Have you wonder why do we sleep when the sun is also sleeping? But really the sun is not sleeping, it’s on the on the side of the world shining brought for others to see the distance of light.
I stare into space within these four walls of mine. What holds my personal belongs. What expresses some of inch of who I am. What keeps my heart entirely part from the rest. These four walls is what I call own space. Where my bed belongs at the time being. The bed that hold the memories of myself. The memories that lingers in my mind. As I lay here and stare into space, I feel that frustration of just wanting to quit. But then same time I can not quit. These four walls that keep me sane when I am wanting to unleash the beast. Where I can pump my music loud without being disturb. Where I can unleash my creativity at the time being. These four walls where I stare into space is what I can call my own until I can have more walls with multiple rooms and tremendous space of my own.
I am the stars. When you look up into the dark sky and you see the moon and the stars, think of me. Because I am the star, shining bright for you. Remember me. Remember the first time we talked and I made you smile. Remember the first time I made you laugh. Remember the first time you saw me and you wanted me as yours. The woman that you could love. The woman you felt so easily to trust. The woman that made you feel love in many ways that others could not. Think of me. Think of what memories we could both have together. Think of how I made your heart flutter. Think of how I made you moan for me. Feel the stars. Feel my hands in yours. Feel my body on yours. Feel my kisses only for you. Now, remember us. Us, that will build within each other. Us, is what you said you want. You want only me. You want to love me. You want me as yours. So the stars I told you to look upon, I am yours. I am here to serve your heart as you serve mine I am your star.
You. You deserve. You deserve to feel what it feels like to receive the love you crave.
In my heart, I feel the passion of love you crave. You've been through storms and fought through them to get to the sun.
I can't say, I will be the last love you will love. I can't say, I'll be there forever to hold onto because we can't define forever even though people say it's endless.
I can't say, I can hold you together. I can't say, we won't have our arguments or disagreements. I can't say, we will always see eye to eye in each other.
I can say, I will use my whole power to make you happy. I can say, I will my strength to do everything in my power to be there for you, to hold all your sorrows, and pain with you. I can say, I will smile when you are down. I will hold you in my arms when you need your woman to hold onto.
My heart is yours. Use my heart to love on. To learn me and what I can give you.
I can't take the pain you went through in the past away but I will do my hardest to give you happiness and joy. To have faith in us more than ever. As time pass, I will hold you dearest to me like you've been towards me.
Love me. Love me for who I am. Don't judge the fact I don't prefer the same *** as you. I'm not perfect. But love me for what I stand for. For who I am as a person.
I stand strong because the way you loved me and taught me to be strong and have my own mind.
I move forward even though I was thrown down not just by actions but by words of hatred.
The words that were thrown like sharp knives into this soulful heart that you adore and cared for.
This heart was thrown by words of anger that the pieces of this heart were shattered.
You've never bothered to ask how my heart is or how is my heart as a whole. I've been pushed, shoved, stabbed, and thrown into the bushes many times but my heart as a whole is still beating to find love.
To feel a bond with someone that will hold my heart to the dearest of them all. That I can trust to hold my heart and make the bond of my mind become courage of more bond of love.
To create memorial adventures. This person will not let me cry alone. Will not let me be alone. To feel sad because I am not strong enough or too weak for them.
This person will hold me up so high that I am unable to let go because the bond is strong as steel.
So love me for me. Not for what you think is perfect in the world or what you thought is right.
She feels. She sees. She breaks. Through her eyes is her whole world in it. When she looks up at the sky to see the clouds and stars, She lets go of the pain just for a moment. The sky gives her a moment of relief. A moment to feel the happiness. Through her heart is her love that she express to only certain ones that believes in her. She will be whole again when time heals her wounds. Stand clear of her because she will not let anyone step in her way of her path. She is strong. She is scare. She is unique. Don't come in her life If you're just here for a moment of your desire.
I sleep but feel my conscious self still awake. I don't know what is going with me But I feel more sad than before. I shed tears of pain. The pain that went through me by the years of my life. I'm holding on the edge But I don't know how long I can keep myself up. As I let the pain feel through me, I am shedding the tears that I kept in way to long. I know today will be heavy on me. I feel this day will the heaviest than the last three years of this date has passed. Only because I am growing and feeling more of my pain that before. Feeling the heartbreak of words and actions of myself and those threw at me. I am losing my grip. Encouragement. Self esteem. Happiness. My mind feels like to let go and get myself together. It's time to let go. No matter how much the pain will hurt, I need to let go. I will share myself to those who see and feel every inch of me. I will go on and do my dream. I will let this pain push to greater things once the tears pass and I soak in this day of her. I will cry. I will let it out. I cannot hold it anymore. It's time to be on my own. Time to start me and actually be happy. I don't need others for happiness. I will let this day to shed every inch of pain then no more until its true feelings of what I feel. I will live this memory of you. I will learn to let go. I am strong. I am done. 01.05.17
Stand tall. Stand bright. Stand strong. Hold yourself up and keep moving forward. Don't stop. Don't stop because you are in pain. Don't stop because you are afraid. Don't stop because you think you are not strong enough. Open your heart. Open my heart to wonders of the world. Let go of the pain that has been thrown to me. Let go of the bad but keep the good. I know I am strong as an individual independent woman. I've fought through my pain. I've fought through my anger. I've given words of pain. I've given words of unpleasant sound. I don't regret what I've done but I am sorry. I stand tall now because I love to live. I stand tall now because I want to accomplish my dreams and goals. To change my life but others as well. I stand bright to let others know I'm still standing tall. I stand bright with scars and pain but I stand bright with light in my eyes to show I am me and I am not giving up.