Three years now. Battling just to get the pain to be less. To get new knees that has been worn and torn by a disease. To be able to walk with less pain. To feel free just a bit more.
First was to find a doctor. You heard third time the charm. Found a surgeon who could fix the unknown damages from an absolute mess of another. You know it's just normal to not be able to use a knee the way it was meant to be use. You know to bend or straight when it was necessary. Your body can handle the adjustments just a bit more. Only took almost a year to find. Now the wait of approval from FDA and insurance?
Just stiffness in the morning. No biggie. More pain meds. No biggie either. The call came in. A voice said it's approved. Yeppie!! Only a year later of waiting. Papers signed. Now the date of surgery. But first. Get the medical clearance. No worries. Easy pisey. Okay. Date set. You know only about couple days for the big day. Oh! A voice came in. Insurance didn't approve the surgery just yet. Say what?!? Tears flow down as the voice speak. Hope was shot down like piercing a hole into a heart. It's okay the voice said. Don't give up on me yet. It will happen! Be patient please. Yea patient is the key. That's all I've given to you was patient. Anger boils within.
Time has past. More pain around the knee. You know the normal wear and tear of the disease. It's okay. You are strong. You can do it. Been dealing with it your whole life. It's the voice. Finally good news. Insurance approved! Only half a year later. Okay. The process of medical clearance again.
Office visit. Talk with the voices about surgery. Sign more papers. Know every single detail. Happy faces. Good vibes. Only took us two years to get here. Finally the big day has finally happening soon. Give hugs and smiles. Driving to work. The voice appeared on the phone. Stare at the phone wondering why. Answered. Voice said bad news. There was miscommunication with company of the implant and the voices.
Say what?!? You know how many times can hope and faith be ripped out of you? Devasted. Burned to the core. Broken. Faith was lost. Holding the breakage of the tears. Got to work. Tears flew like a water. Anger boiling like an exploding volcano. That's it. I'm done. No more faith. This isn't happening anytime soon. Dreams were pushed back further. Just continue to live life. Continue college. Graduation is coming soon. You don't need the new knees jsut yet.
More pain appeared each day. All this battle just to get this surgery. What does one single person have to fight through just to get this? Is there hope in me to continue to wait? It's only three years. How many more just to feel less pain? Now more waiting.
Hope is there but only a flinch of light to not give up. Just have to deal with restless nights and whatever else that comes my way. I can do this. Anxiety will not get to me. This disease will not control me.
Aches. Pains. When does it stop? From one year old, all I endure was aches and pain. Stiff. *****. Pop. Joint. The words to my disease. Rheumatoid. Arthritis.
From a child, all I was told to take these pills to help the pain. The pills that were suppose to be magical as I was told as a child. Magical pills to take the ease of the aches and pain.
Time has pass, as I am older than now and still dealing with the aches and pain. I learned to not let those words define me but reshape me. Make me whole and accept that I am me. I am stronger today than I was yesterday. Yes the pain doesn't stop But what I can control is my thoughts on my disease. Stiff. *****. Pop. Joint. Those words will follow me to the endless of time But It will not control me.