How are you?
is a simple question
with a loaded answer

I'm fine
I'm good
I'm great
The bigger the word, the larger the lie

Happy 6 months sweetie! I love you so much <3

6 months
120 some days

but all i remember are the nights
of loneliness

staring at the ceiling
wondering a million what-ifs
and what-did-i-dos

what if i never brought it up
what if you never texted her
what if we just talked
what did i not do that she did
what did i do that wasn't enough
not skinny enough?
not kind enough?
not perfect enough?
i've concluded
not enough

curling up
holding my stomach tight
breathing heavy into my pillow
so no one knew
my anxiety attacks about you

thinking about you
and then her
really leaves me here
to think with my mind unclear
left with a smear

nothing to do
no one to go to
but you

only
you are not there
not in the same way
as before

or at least
not for me

In an attempt to scratch the itch under my skin
caused by a hundred breathing irritants
I take a blade and when they ask

Oh this? It's just a scratch

In order to filter the thoughts in my head
I crack it open with a can opener

In trying to find the answer
And filter this poisoned blood

I poisoned my self with terminal self destruction

In an attempt to filter the blood contaminated with wrongful thoughts
I bleed from my irritated layers
As if the air will give a transfusion to heal this ****** up life

i don’t wanna be your girl no more
can’t you see
i’m not me

i want
to be your friend
i want
to be here for you
i want
your arms here
for me
god I want

But there’s some **** I can’t forget

just know you left bruises
but they're just that
bruises

the second time
you left scratches
you pierced my skin
Congrats
it stings

the next time there was a cut
but not left by you
although your impression lingered
lost but found with the tip of the blade
the loneliness of night
escorted by the open arms of a sad playlist

Just take from this,
Just remember,
Just know

how much you changed
in my view

now it’s my turn to do the same
so pay attention

a wish so simple
a thought so full
a mouth cursed shut
lungs drowning in kerosene oil
unable to ignite and
simply burn
under the high pressure
to be a diamond
but some diamonds are
simply coal

I don’t need someone to make quick snide remarks
or to say sorry this is happening

I need someone who understand
without words

not that there are any to say

I want no need to explain

just a hand to hold
a beacon of warmth
a heart to love