JonahAlonso

JonahAlonso Aug 2019

For the words spilt,
so sharp,
You forked your tongue

Breath heavy with liquor,
And self-inflicted misery

Tremulous limbs,
Stilted walk

Running, stumbling, falling,
Splitting skin on solid concrete
What haunted your sober thoughts?

Two wives, six children and a lifetime
And no one ever knew you
Not your siblings
Not even your mother,
who searched for you decades after being told you were dead,
who cared for you until her last conscious thought

Living without living
Contemplating the world through hazy eyes

What is there to feel, but pity?
For the man who never learned from his mistakes,
Turning to the bottle to forget his woes
To forget his loneliness
Never realizing that the bottle caused him more woes
And left him alone

#alcoholism #absentee #father

JonahAlonso Jun 2019

To mingle

To mingle and live
With love so close and just out of reach
To connect and to touch
With someones out of minds
My body so alive without me
My mind so alive without my body

#disassociation

JonahAlonso Jun 2019

Displacements

The disconnect is sometimes too much to bear,
I find myself wondering if it's a change required in me or in my surroundings,
How I would love to let go,
Without ruining me or something else

#disassociation

JonahAlonso May 2019

Reminders

Call your father,
despite his lack of awareness he is of old age and soon he will have no mind to be insensitive

Call your step-father,
though he is as utterly flawed as the first, he at least took the chance to raise you

Call your mother,
being absent in mind was not always her fault, if you don't she soon might not remember you

#family

JonahAlonso May 2019

*******

"I'm sorry, I just can't do it."

You were made in the image of power
Sturdy, heavy, muscular
Yet your strength remains leashed around me

When all I want is for you to hurt me
You push me away
But I consent to bleed

To feel
The heat of the cut
The dull pain of bruised muscle
The ragged burn in my lungs

I need to have a reason
To feel this torment
To shed these tears

You are absolution
I've been denied

#masochism #pain #guilt

Apr 2019

Raziel

Clocks

Peppered bruises and I feel,
Something kindness might possibly heal,
But I see dusted blood and I wonder,
If even the kind can satisfy this deadly hunger,
To hurt and be hurt,
To love and get burnt,
To experience something that might be real,
To pay the price and take the deal,
To finally taste something that makes me somber,
To finally free my deepest darkest desire,
To smile for a brief reconcile,
Only to be hit with another trial,
And if only I could steal,
Another moment on this ticking wheel,
To subdue this insatiable anger,
And slip back into a blissful slumber,
Just to be jolted back into this aftershock,
Where I'm stuck in a race against the clock.

#abuse #strength #time #dark #desire #pain #hurt #happy

JonahAlonso Apr 2019

The Night

It's oppressive darkness, sometimes not dour enough
With silences that are never really mute
A rustle of sheets, and dead leaves crushed underfoot

It's a shiver that creeps up my spine
Like a flickering lick of flame
And the velvet embrace of absence
Or dreamless sleep

It reminds me of all the things I run from
And all the things I fear to lose

#sleepless #night