It's oppressive darkness, sometimes not dour enough
With silences that are never really mute
A rustle of sheets, and dead leaves crushed underfoot

It's a shiver that creeps up my spine
Like a flickering lick of flame
And the velvet embrace of absence
Or dreamless sleep

It reminds me of all the things I run from
And all the things I fear to lose

Mama's boy cries
to be lifted once again
by strong but gentle arms

And he cries again
at the certainty that no one will ever love him
the way she loves him

For all the heartbreak
that his kin
and his lovers have caused him

Only she can put him back together
to mend
and weld
and cradle the scar riddled body
only a mother could love

I like the way your body tells me little secrets

Like the small moans you exhale when I touch your thighs
And the way you shiver when I kiss the corner where your jaw meets the soft of your neck

How it speaks of the long life you've experienced in your young age
Like the shiny slits scattered across your arms
Your calloused hands and feet
Like the dipped and knotted scar on your navel
And the nick of missing hair on the side of your head

I like how your body curls around mine when sleep won't come
I like how your head drops to my chest to listen when the sadness won't let you rest
How your shoulders slump when I hold you in my arms
And your eyes flutter when I wipe your tears away

I like the way your baggy eyes crinkle when you can't help but laugh
And the way your smile crooks when you make fun of me
I like your tender touch and the way you hold me like there is nothing more important

I like the way your body tells me all the things you don't know how to say

Do you ever wonder of the love that could have been?
Of the one that makes you feel seen?
That makes you feel understood

If only your misaligned fates could be rewritten
If only words and looks could be enough
If only comfort wasn't so deceiving, like an insect trapped in the sticky sweetness of molasses  
If only you could claw them out of your conscience

Because another has arrived in their stead
Has swept you off your feet and grounded you all at once
Has shown you that you do not need to know or completely understand
To appreciate, to love, to respect

Because despite your differences they have offered you their life
They have asked for yours in return
You want to give them that and more
You want to show them how much you appreciate being taught that taking the plunge does not mean drowning
That you can find refuge in the unknown

But how do you stop longing for your soulmate when you've found the love of your life?

you were the only one who could help me find my way
you were the only one who knows the things i have done
and you accepted me as i was

i love you like blooming flowers love the sun
i love you like sun parched dirt loves the rain
i love you in ways i will love no other
i love you because you are always there

but i cannot surrender myself to you
i cannot give you all that i am
because i want to be new
i cannot give you all that i want to be
because you are too similar to me

because in you lies the old me
the corpse lily that has threaded itself into your very core
taking everything and giving nothing in return
filling your essence with the stench of rotten flesh

and whether you were tarnished when i met you or not
i know i have crippled parts of you

if you have to fake it till you make it
how long really, do you have to fake it?
I have been at this for a long time,
and it's only made me weary
I may slip here and there
but I have tried my hardest to be better
how long ?
until the weight eases off my shoulders?
until the phantom pains disappear?
until life feels worth living?

do you remember the soft haze of childhood happiness?
do you remember the charcoal darkening it's edges?
as clumsy, desperate hands took your innocence?
as graceless fervent kisses caused you thrill and revulsion
of hurting  just so they wouldn't hurt all alone?

can you remember?
the darkness behind that locked door?
do remember?
all the things you forgot on purpose?
because how can someone so dear to you hurt you so?

do you remember ?
lying to yourself until those lies became the truth?