I feel really bad
And I don’t know
What to do
And I mean it
Nothing is meaningful
I feel like
Every minute
I can disappear
Just dissolve in the air
I’m telling you
Watch me fading
My mind is blurry
I wish I could have
Some control
I wish I could handle
This overwhelming ****
I’m melting in space
I’m merging with objects
God I hate this anxiety
Which attacks me at night
When you’re away
And it seems like
I’m in that movie
About the sin city
And everything’s wicked
I panick
Cold sweat
All over my body

Split on tho halfs
On behalf
Of the ******* Lord
******* it
I fall in love
With the fallen angel
Of my sacred dreams
I praise you
I adore you
I’m away from you
Probably forever
Who cares?
Knock knock
Who’s there?
No one
You’re not here
And I’ve become
Nobody

I have a crush on you
Why wouldn’t I?
You’re so my type
So my style
So careless
But so caring
Multicultural
Individual
So am I
My double trouble
What will I do
When you leave me
Will you miss me
At least a little bit?
Or quite a lot?
Did you mean it
When you said
That you cared
About me?

I’m so afraid to forget you
Like I’ll loose everything
Like I’ll loose your love
Like I’ll loose any hope
Like I’ll loose the sense of home
Like I’ll give up on something sacred
Like I’ll become completely cynical
Like there’s gonna be no way back

I’m a girl with no legacy
With zero on my bank account
I reset my karma
Minimize my desires
Making my ego smaller
Letting the world swallow me
Not resisting my destiny
Living freely
Swinging high
I’m a dreamer
Who let all the dreams go
I’m accepting
Not looking for anything
Not looking for anyone
Not comparing with someone
Better, richer or prettier
I’m not rolling no dice
I don’t believe any news
I’m revealing my weaknesses
So they know where to aim
Go and shoot me
Come and get me
But like the air I’ll disappear
In between your fingers

I don’t wanna leave my books
And my thoughts forgotten
Somewhere among the dust
When the destiny steps up
And acts nasty
I’m like a cranky child
Who doesn’t know what she wants
But just craving for attention
Of her loving parent
If destiny my mother
Where’s her care?
If destiny my father
Where’s his protection?
If destiny my guardian angel
Where’s his guidance?
I’m lost as never
I’m blank as never
My heart is empty
But only my mind is full of thoughts
And I can never figure out
Which one is right
Or which one is wrong
If I’ve achieved something
Its my complete indecisiveness
The field where I succeed
Never was popular in school
Not really popular when I grew older
Too avant-garde for ordinary
Too simple for the marginals
Always somewhere in the middle
The middle path suits me right
At least it felt always right
But how I want to know exactly
Without guesses
Without mistakes
Oh this seeking of perfection
Where’s it gonna take me
When too afraid to make a step
In any direction really
Anyway something is about to happen
And whatever it is
I’m gonna jump
Into these deep waters
Of new experiences
And have it all
Or nothing at all

I’m like an opened book
You can look through
All the pages
I’m allowing you
To do that
To see
How reckless I am
How spontaneous
Staring at my insanity
Reading between the lines
Contemplating
Priceless experience
Precious features
Appreciating
Crossing paths
Minutes of temptation  
Exploring
Under the skin
Timeless hopes
Infinity in the eyes
The sacred touch
Of your fingertips
The culmination
Of our journey
Adventures creature
Breathtaking moments
Hotel room intimacy
Backseat moans
Abandoned souls
Crashing on
Each other

I’m disabled
You knocked me out
When you left
I gave you so much
But I’m ready to give you
Even more
If you want me to
I wish that
You want me to
I don’t care
About the food
I’m eating
I don’t care
About the news
I don’t care
About the beauty
Of the sunset
If I’m not meeting it
With you
Without you
Colors lost their brightness
And all what mattered
Lost it sense
But did I loose
The hope
To see you soon?

Please don’t get attached
It won’t end well
That’s what you told me
Before we started our travel
It was my rule as well
You know
To never get attached
To anybody
But for some reason
You’re the guy
For whom I broke
That rule
You haven’t asked me for it  
You even asked the opposite
I didn’t want to hear it
Cause all I wanted -
Be with you
And not to let you go
My dear
Askim

Enjoying my life
Being spontaneous
Taking my time
Trust only those
Who worth it
Clean up the room
Get rid of the mess
In my head
Being ridiculous
And don’t care about it
Laughing out loud
Singing on the streets
Holding your hand
In mine
Drinking beer
On the beach
Wine at the bar
And jin at home
Sharing my feelings
Watching the tides
Facing the future
Putting on make up
Looking pretty
Waiting for your validation
Coping nobody
Being myself
Saving electricity
Eating plant based
Not checking on news
Not scrolling Instagram
Being present
Feeling good

I’m too far away from myself
Too far away from what nurtures me
Few days back I found out
That my name means “sea” in Persian
It took me almost twenty eight years
To learn that
But it made sense completely
As water my home
And when I’m far away from it
I’m feeling homesick
I’m feeling blue
As deep blue waters
The tender touch of the waves
With my feet on the soft sand
I really miss that
I feel like I’m in another galaxy
Or maybe another dimension
Where everything is so strange
And doesn’t make sense
Even the air and the atmosphere
Doesn’t suit me
The local air causes cough
I don’t understand people’s jokes
Their motivation and motive
Their purpose of life
Well… don’t get that either
As they don’t get me
Se la vi

Walked in the rain
While you were asleep
Went to buy flowers
Which you never bought for me
Funny but I’m the one
Who’s always buying flowers
And now I’m looking at them
Staying on my table
Flowers which name I don’t even know
And I’m thinking
That we’re quite alike
Me and them
As I feel like a plant in here
Having quite enough for existing
But not really living
Just dreaming of living honestly
While looking through the glass door
At the other plants on my terrace
Which unlike me
Can’t go anywhere from here
And the only thing left
Is to accept their reality
But unlike them
I’m the human
And humans tend to have desires
And I don’t want to put my roots in here
And be like other plants on my terrace

Getting drunk alone on the beach
Thinking about you insanely
Thinking about you all the time
Thinking about you to come
And visit me
Maybe
One day
Somewhere
Don’t know when
But that’s gonna happen
Definitely
Im sure
I’m just so crazy
About you
Baby

We ran over a dog
And you said
**** the dog
How could you only
Say that?

I’m on my period
But I’d like to *******
Just like this
Just out of boredom

Undress me
In your messy bedroom
Throw on your bed
And take me

I want you to lick my *******
And bite my thighs
I want you to moan inside me
While your bed sheets turning red

I want you to be
Really greedy
And take me all at once
Don’t hesitate
Even for a moment
Because this moment might never happen again

I’m at the beach
Where you were holding
My hand
While you were sleeping
Hand in hand
Swimming together
You said you can’t
Lay back on the water
Only with my help
You could
For a while
Until the tide
Has covered your body
What a moment
How precious was it

I want to learn how to fight
So then no one can hurt me
Those who are strong are always right
And ain’t the opposite
Karma will be bought with money
While spots in heaven are sold out
It’s truly a hard place honey
If you’re not strong enough- you’re out
That’s why I wanna learn how to fight
So my fists will know how to answer
Or start the conversation
But for now I am too weak
Too weak to speak in a fist language
I also wanna know
How to get my feelings under control
Because what I feel, I feel too much
And this world is ruled by heartless people

I will wait for you
Doesn’t matter how long
Should I wait
I will wait for you
Even if you don’t bring me
Any flowers
I will wait for you
Even if it’s very cold outside
I will wait for you
Even if everyone will say
Not to wait for you
I will still wait for you
Because you are worth waiting

I would live in a tent on the rooftop
Of this home of yours
Watching the starts every night
And dreaming about the universe
Of our life meaning
Of our purpose and goals
I could hear the wind singing
And telling me what’s true and what’s false

Let’s see each other
Some other time
Some other place
But see each other
Anyways

We have limited emotions
As limited options
Limited conditions
As limited opinions
**** them
From start to the final
Limited turns
Limited desires
Limited lies
Unlimited hopes
Or maybe limited too?
Idk how
But I feel limited also
Except my unlimited dreams
Limitations no option for a dreamer
Dream without limit
Dream without boundaries
Dream till the end
For God’s sake
Don’t limit yourself

Please bring me peaches
The sweetest and the juiciest you find
But no, don’t bring me anything
I don’t need any thing, but you
I’m waiting
Was playing your little housewife
Cleaning the mirror in the washroom
Doing the dishes
I even bought a little black dress and red roses
Was waiting for you
Laying on the bed in this little black dress
Playing music of my favorite artist on YouTube
Put flowers in the water
You came home
You undressed me
That little black dress played it’s role -
I got your attention
I was kissing you and eating makeup from your face
That what is like dating a model
The word destiny is following us everywhere
Is it a destiny?
When you were reading my hand
You said our lines look the same
Are they?
So funny that you also read horoscopes
We both eating plant based
Let’s order Thai curry as always
Put on some jazz music
And share a joint
While that little black dress is laying crumpled beneath the black blanket

Looking at your pictures
In my gallery
And not getting bored
To look at them
Seeing you
Isn’t that magical?
My love to you
Is unconditional
Just so you know
I’m going with the flow
Following my path
Looking forward to see you
Again
Don’t know where
But I will see you
For sure
Not only on photograph

I have this love and hate relationship with my homeland
Always felt ashamed of the passport I’m holding
Hiding at right away
After airport check in
So no one can see
Bc that’s not the person I wanted to be
Never felt free in here
Never felt this place suits me
Every time coming back
I have this fear
That I will stuck
And won’t get out
From here
Perhaps I would love this place a little more
If we had borders opened with Europe
Or even better no boarders at all
If not the Russian influence
If we had national identity a little more
Oh god I’m so tired of repeating it
That no, my country is not a part of Russia
No we have our own history separate from them
And our own language
But I don’t even know it properly
Bc these jerks from the East of us did everything to eliminate it
(If I only could I would cut out Russian language out of my memory forever
And replace it with something else)
But at least I’m half Ukrainian
Which makes me a little bit more proud of my blood
Bc unlike these country residents they’ve got *****
And they do not have this national identity crisis
I’ve been raised up without family values
Even more I’ve been raised up without no values at all
I mean there were people who tried to put some values in me
But they couldn’t make it
Sometimes I envy those who’ve got some values
At least it makes some sense for their living
While I’m just keeping my existence senseless
And I turned out to be the saddest adult after all
Well if you can call an adult this infantile creature
It seems like I went too far
So what I wanted to say is
It seems like I pity my country out of love
But I don’t want to identify with it
Or be somehow connected
Oh god let’s us be the creators of our own destiny

I just need a friend to cry
On his shoulder
Oh I wish I never grew older
If I could I’d erase last two years
Of my life
But it’s useless
To regret of the past
I know it is useless
But I still do
Sometimes I just wish
That I never knew you
(Cause now you’re gone anyway)
I almost don’t think about you
But in my dreams you’re chasing me
Your voice, your face
Are chasing me
And I’m not changing
Not at all
I’m just the saddest of them all
And there’s no use for me
I’m just existing
Like a wild flower
I’m weak
I’ve got no power
Anyone can pluck me out
This soil doesn’t fit me anyway
Doesn’t nurture me
And you ****** the life out of me
I was so alive!
I was alive!
I was alive!
Alive!
Alive!
I was
But I’m not anymore
Not anymore
We are not anymore
We aren’t
****…
But I was alive before you
Where has she gone?
I don’t recognize myself
Everyone’s doing something important
Achieving their important goals
Living up to their dreams
And it all makes sense
But I do not make any sense
Not at all
and I don’t know how to make any sense
All the ways lead to the dead end

Too many implications which we are not
Mind hectic, dosha imbalance
Make sense out of this madness
Bet on your sanity, trying to crack the riddle
Not this, nor that, what is it?
A stranger in your own body
Disconnected from the authentic
Not this, nor that
The roots forgotten
Still seeking the truth
In the blinding darkness
Stumbled upon the eye opener
Your salvation is surrender
And recognition
Not this, nor that
Delirium
Who’s playing human
Forgets he’s not the character
Not this, nor that
Acknowledged being lost
At least knows that he is not that
Philosophy for hopeless nutcase
Drop, drop the hopes
Not this, nor that
Be here and now
Don’t listen to your head
The mind is sick
And spreading poison
Not this, nor that
Not that, nor this
Forget forget
Drop drop
Illusion drop
Not this, nor that
It’s only in your head
A thinker stop to think
Not this, nor that
Not this, nor that
It’s only in your head

Everything can happen
Any time
I wanna learn you language
I want to speak to you in your mother tongue
I wanna bite your lips
They’re so sweet
You’re my baby
I wanna ******* everywhere
I wanna ******* in your parents bedroom
How have I become so possessed?
I’m just obsessed with you
Talking with my therapist about you
Talking with my friends about you
Talking in my head about you
All the time
I’m so drunk
And you’re the strongest *****
I’ve tried so far
You’re my muse
And my seducer
To think about you every minute
To write thousands words
To describe my feelings
To write you out of my head
But yet
You still there
You have taken all the space
You’re everywhere

I posses you
Is that such a bad thing to do?
You wanna get your **** together
I understand that
But what the hell
I wanna be with you
In all the countries
We can travel
Together
Or visiting each other
Build connection
Step by step
But I’m already connected
You’re my lover
But what’s about me?
Will you wash that shirt
Which I was wearing
So you can wash
The memories away
Forget me faster
But I don’t want you
To forget me baby
Please don’t forget me
Tell me you’re care
Say it again

It’s so sad
That you said
You don’t see us
Together

Never thought about being myself
Self reflecting my being
And what is it meaning
In this meaningless reality
Unreal hopes, expectations too many
We all thought that we’re special
When we were kids
Childish dreams broke on the walls
Of existence
I’m existing
But barely living
Like everyone else
Had too many demands from this life
Like everyone else
Never wanted to be like everyone else
Like everyone else never wanted to be
Like everyone else, just like me
I’m philosophizing nothing no more
I just wanna go through the door
Of this reality
What is behind
What is hiding there
Is it real the energy qi
Is it empowers me
Or shall I call it kundalini or shakti instead
I was so “no commitment”
But now I’m entangled
With someone who was just a stranger before
Am I worth anything
Am I a little bit talented?
Or just as special as everybody
Wanted to be somebody some day
Well.. sounds like thousand tomorrows to me
To be honest I’m just afraid that there’s nothing left for me
But maybe nothing is already something
Something special
Something the most valuable
Even if it’s not easy to comprehend
Maybe that’s what they call balance
No bad karma
No good karma
Means no karma at all
And settles you free
Ha ha
Very funny
The vanity is pouring out of me
Not realistic, still a dreamer
Still a kiddo
No big plans
No big goals
Just to be
Because I never understand these people
Motivations
What makes them do what they do
Makes them create more content
In this era of informational pollution
Why to make even more
Aren’t we all just toxic
Encouraged by our ego
Supported by our parents’s
Unrealized desires
I wish I had desires
But I don’t feel much
Staying comfortably numb
Well… whatever

Smoking cigarettes
And not to care
About it
Not for a minute
Not at all
Are you coming
To my home country?
I’d love to show you
Everything around there
My favorite spots
My favorite places
Where I spent my childhood
I want you to meet
My mom
To have conversation
Just three of us
Go out of the city
Together
Maybe go to a club
Listen to music
Dance till the dawn
Kiss insanely
Singing love songs
Waking up together
Maybe watch Netflix
In bed
Talk about life
Talk about anything
Sharing everything
Forget about problems
Being pure
Loving each other

Would you agree for a substitute for love ?
You see I’m vegan and I always use a substitute for meat
So maybe for love it will also work out
As I can’t afford one
Too sophisticated and my life is way too complicated
Can’t really rely on me
As I’m like a wind
Today I’m here
Tomorrow there
But I need love anyway you know?
So maybe you would agree to be my love substitute?
I don’t need much
Oh well maybe I do
I know I need touch
And care
Your attention too
Don’t tell me you love me
Just your attention will do
Just hug me and take me
If I feel blue
I know I’m not easy
Well neither are you
And I belong to the world
It can’t be only you
Even tho I need a man to belong
Nevertheless I cannot
It will never work out
As I cannot afford to be someone’s girl

I was drowning
I was sinking inside my mind’s depth
I will not tell to anyone what I have found there
Because they’ll never understand
But they will see

I have no home
Or nowhere I belong
What I owe is nothing
Big men in the big chairs try to cheat me
But they won’t break me
Yes, I might cry
But won’t break apart
I won’t give up
I fed up with your lies
I fed up with your ***** games
I fed up with your cold eyes
Yes you might see me through
But you won’t break through
I have no weak spots
Bc I’m here all naked
I’m in front of you
I’ll show you all me weaknesses myself
No need to ask for it
I’m not asking for help
I’m not helpless
I’m like a stray dog
Nobody owes me
And I don’t owe anyone
I’m the biggest enemy of myself
You won’t take the first place
Don’t try to become my best mate either
That place is taken by me