shaking, i'm shaking, i'm told.
like i can stop it somehow
one second i'm in class
the next
i'm on a stretcher
being asked by my principal
if i'm alright?
seizing, you're seizing, you're having a seizure
i'm told as i
puzzle together my surroundings
and as i do i begin to cry
why me? i ask
what did i do to deserve this?
even now, my memories of that day have been tampered
as if some omnipotent force doesn't want me to remember
the horrors of that day.
my friends tell me i walked out of class
no explanation as to why
maybe i thought it looked nice outside
the white clouds painted across the cool ocean sky

the doctors tell me my nerves are misfiring
but so are the thoughts in my head
for whatever reason i end up again
in some unknown hospital bed.
i close my eyes and count to ten
hoping for this to all just end,
but the stress disagrees with me
and leaves my weak head penned.

the last time it happened was in the bleak december
when the skies were gray with the sun's last ember
i am scared of the odds i won't make it to september
because of some unfair episode i can't even remember

Thursday, April 19th
forever imprinted on my inaccurate brain
the day my grandfather died.
the day my mother was diagnosed with cancer.
the day my life changed forever

people say high school was
the greatest four years of their life
that i should cherish and remember forever
for i will never be able to grab a hold of time
and wish to be back
but how should i remember high school
when memories are being deleted
in my brain's system files
and the only memories i have
are of my family falling apart;
my tears' perpetual flowing down my soggy cheeks?

my friends tell me i'm not alone in this,
but how could i be anything else.
they don't know how i feel,
they joke about it now like it's okay
watch out, they say,
don't have a seizure about it, they joke
by now my eyes are hoover dams
damming the tears from
showing the outside world
my true feelings.

and now i conclude,
as i am no longer in the mood
to sit here in deep introspection
because after all, everyone has imperfections
mine are just more unique.

Ten minutes into my fifth shot
I'm beginning to give meter and -
rhyme all I've got
A half hour after I've had my fill
I'm a man on a mission with a golden quill* ..
Beef jerky and Wild Turkey
An inebriated mind on yesteryears -
journey
Pain riddled in poetic schemes
Purgatories insider inking bellicose themes..

Rain reminds me of all the tears
I'm too afraid to shed
And all the times I rejected you
By closing my heart and head.
You're there no matter what I say even when what I said-
Might have made you wish that you hadn't died in my stead.
But all the same,
Through thick and thin
You came back time and time again
And that is why I ask forgiveness for my failures and my sin.
I can't do this on my own
So help me to remember
That when I fall and break my heart-
Your love is great, your eyes are bright,
Your embrace is calm and tender.
So let it rain and let me cry.
Take away my fear so I-
Can learn to trust in who I am.
In who I am
In you.