It doesn’t get easier
with time.
You just learn how to deal
with the pain.

The monsters from my nightmares
come out during the day.
When I’m wide awake and suddenly
I’m reliving the day I realized
what was going on.
Then the monsters are
attacking me and I’m crying
in pain just like the first time.

I can’t go back and read anything
I’ve written in the last year.
I don’t know if I ever will.
It makes my stomach hurt.
So I’ve kind of quit writing;
for now.
I don’t need to remember this
part of my life.

Our lips were
5 centimeters apart
but between our hearts
was the galaxy

emotions
sat heavily on my chest
squeezing my heart
and burning my head

so i piled three pillows
on top of one another
and tried to scream
the emotions out

nothing changed
except that now
my throat hurts and
my pillows are concerned

so i laughed
at my failed attempt
and wrote a poem about it

29.04.20

Do you want to know why I’m like this?
Do you really want to know what’s wrong?
The problem is you.
It’s all of you.
This is what happens
When you abandon your friends
When you ignore the people around you
When you take advantage of your family

People aren’t designed for that
Humans require community
And as I watch you all
Finding ways to love each other
I sit in quiet jealousy
To not make you feel shame

But to tell you the truth
I’m dying
Depression is eating away at my soul
I can’t survive alone
Not much longer
Not like this

I  took  my wrist  and  cut  myself,
just  to  open  up  to  you.
And you  watched  my blood  as  it  touched  the ground.
I  waited for  you  to  move from the miles  you  put between us.
I  hoped that  you would come help  me close my wound.
Instead,  you  pretended  as  if  you  did not see  me.
And you turned around and walked   in the opposite direction.
Adding more distance  between  us.