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I stopped writing

For awhile.

Because I found that when I write
It’s so real.
It’s like hearing back my own words from the lips of someone wiser

Not from a broken child,
But from a bitter miser.
I am awake always
Painfully aware. I can’t sleep and I can’t quiet the noise in my head.
Waking up without him,
in an apartment that still doesn’t
feel like mine has only gotten
harder.
Many of my days begin
with tears or a slight panic attack
just remembering I won’t
get to see him.

I never fell out of love.
It doesn’t get easier
with time.
You just learn how to deal
with the pain.
The monsters from my nightmares
come out during the day.
When I’m wide awake and suddenly
I’m reliving the day I realized
what was going on.
Then the monsters are
attacking me and I’m crying
in pain just like the first time.
I swear I have PTSD from the emotional trauma I went through
I can’t go back and read anything
I’ve written in the last year.
I don’t know if I ever will.
It makes my stomach hurt.
So I’ve kind of quit writing;
for now.
I don’t need to remember this
part of my life.
 4d Holly
Oka
Our lips were
5 centimeters apart
but between our hearts
was the galaxy
 4d Holly
Acme
I'm sleeping in the guest room tonight.
  Why can't you be my centerfold from '75?
  I heard your voice from the womb and now
  it has a cruel pitch and it's not enough.
  You screech at my mistakes. I curse you for
  yours. We both swim in the same cesspool.
emotions
sat heavily on my chest
squeezing my heart
and burning my head

so i piled three pillows
on top of one another
and tried to scream
the emotions out

nothing changed
except that now
my throat hurts and
my pillows are concerned

so i laughed
at my failed attempt
and wrote a poem about it

29.04.20
sometimes you have to laugh at yourself. i feel a bit better
I will say
I do not love you
until my mouth forgets your taste

I will write
I do not love you
until my fingers forget
how your hands feel, wrapped in mine
and my poems no longer
reek of sadness and desperation

I will believe
I do not love you
until it becomes impossible
or until I begin
to love someone new
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