Today was rough
All I want is my mom
But not her
Someone loving

All I've wanted to do these past days is just lie in my bed

Momma called me fat
Maybe if I stop eating
She’ll be the one who’s bigger

Happy enough to dream you

I’m so dumb

Can love fill this void?
That I seem to sink into every Monday
The long weeks ahead of me
Before I just wanted to sleep
Now I want to be with you

Manipulation is the root of all evil
Greedy words to get what you want
Always achieving, hurting other people

I didn’t need to be strong
I was a child
He knew better
I didn’t know what was going on

Does he feel the same way I do?
Am I a fool?
Does he want to see me again?
Do I make his heart race like he does mine?
Why can’t I just know what he’s thinking
I can’t stop thinking about when we were curled together
My head on his chest
I wonder if he felt relaxed
Safe, calm
Loved for the time being
I think he is slipping away
I hope not

At least I didn’t write a poem about him..

Love
So stupid
It’s not real
The feelings were though
Loving every part of you
Was so easy, was so hard
To make you love me, Love me
Like I did you, am I so unlovable?
That you can’t look at me? I can’t even
Am I so bad? So ugly? Can’t you love me?

One
They don’t know that 19-year-old doesn’t want them
The way they want to be wanted
To be needed
Like a housewife
To a loving caring husband
In their 30’s with four children and a great big house
He doesn’t share those dreams
Two
They like the attention they’re getting what they’ve never gotten before
When you used to be the ugly, weird girl
No one really paid attention to you
Until him
Even though you liked him first
Made sure he knew it
Had your friends help you message him
He was surprised
Three
He made you feel special
He told you that you were the only girl he was talking to
He told you that he seriously adored you
Four
We talked about everything
Almost
We talked about the good things in our day
We talked about movies
We talked about everything instead of what really was going on
I didn’t tell you I had an eating disorder
I didn’t tell you I was being abused
I didn’t tell you that every day I felt like ending it
That you and my friends were the only things keeping me tethered to the world
I didn’t tell you how much I loved you
How much I was falling
Five
You said how much you wanted to kiss me
Hold me, make sure that everything was okay
How you couldn’t wait for me to turn sixteen
11 months
Until...
Six
You couldn’t understand why I liked you so much
You said “I’m a letdown, It’s like when you thought you bought sweet tea but it’s actually unsweetened”
Verbatim
I thought that was so
Poetical
So deep
I realize now how wrong I was
Seven
You wanted to teach me how to kiss
Because I didn’t know how
I was unexperienced
Eight
We were so cringy
Looking back at it
I thought this supposed to be it
Calling you sweetheart and baby
When you barely knew the real me
You knew me but didn’t know
My trauma
What woke me up in the middle of the night
What I dreamed of
I longed for
My passion that I woke up every day to do
You didn’t know because I didn’t tell you
Because you never asked
Nine
You met my mom
Over video chat
I ensured her that she would love you
Just like I did
I told her all the good parts of you
And finally how happy I was with you
You said you were so nervous
But she didn’t think you were that bad
Ten
We wanted to meet up
We were going to meet at Hyvee
We planned it one day
When my mom had to pick up her medication
You were going to walk from your apartment while my mom went to the pharmacy
While I waited by the bathroom
Our plan was to have our first kiss
Maybe introduce you to my mom
Like we had both bumped into each other
Eleven
You were so much more attentive than Gabe
I told you about him
How he was my first real boyfriend
How he didn’t care
Or want to talk to me
But you did
And I thought
That was fantastic
Twelve
I thought I was the apple of your eye
But clearly I wasn’t
Thirteen
I got so many good poems out of you, it was crazy
Fourteen
Despite all the red flags I loved you
Fifteen
I was only fifteen

Feeling safe in someone's arms
So comfortable
And free from the worlds prying eyes and pressures
I’ve never felt like that before
You make me feel like that
And I can’t get enough
I can’t get enough of you
I’ll wear your sweatshirt forever
Because it’s yours and smells like you
I’ll miss you every second
I love everything about you
I love you

It was a long day of hating myself for eating
It was a day filled with crying, trying to throw up
Haunched over the toilet after the smoothie
After dinner
After the countless snacks, I had
Each time retreating to the bathroom
Tired of being empty but afraid of being full
When you caught me getting into the french fries
It was going to be my last snack I swear
My stomach was grumbling and just needed something I swear
I was going to dispose of it as soon as I finished
I took as little as I could so you wouldn't notice
I was craving it and craving it
I put them on my plate so many times today just to empty them back into the bag
And sigh and cry because I gained the last pound back from the big gulps of cold water I downed
Makes me wonder if I should have thrown that up too
I didn't want you to know because I was embarrassed
I shouldn't be eating like that
So much
Wasting so much
But I can't stop being hungry
And no matter how hard I try
I can't seem to not hate myself after I do it
I'm sorry I'm trying to fix it
I just don't know how to stop
I'm trying to not eat so I don't waste anything
But it's hard when you're hungry
And you're mouth waters
You just wonder when normal will be enough
When 1,000 calories won't feel like poison coming in and going out
When you're greedy eyes won't take too much, your stomach can't hold
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I don't know if my trying is enough
But I just can't stop hating myself
Today is hard
I think I threw up my anti-depressant too

Demons still haunt me behind my eyes
Ghost of my past coming back to lurk in my wakening days
Witching hour
Three am
We don’t have to die so soon
At least wait until afternoon

All I want to do is help people
No matter their age
If they're going through something I’ve been through
And they let me know they need help
I don’t want to be the person who didn’t help
When someone was hurting
And I did nothing
That’s why I try so hard
Because it hurts me to think someone is in pain
And they think no one cares
Because I thought that too
I wanted to **** myself too
And I was going to do it
Medication didn’t fix that
I wouldn’t have done that
If only I had reached out and gotten help
Talked about it with anyone
I need to help people
It’s in my nature
It tears me up inside to not

My body is decaying with the knowledge that I can’t make it in the world
I wake up after a good twelve hours, aching and weak my only thought, you
I hear your voice in my head drilling me to walk up the stairs again
You tell me every day that you complete me that without you I’d be nothing more but the girl who was miserable with her body
The fat sausage finger girl who couldn’t fit in size twelve jeans
But with you, my dear Ana you’ve helped me drop 30 pounds in four months
I’m in love with you ana, you and your best friend Mia
I am a gray sky, and you are my storm
Lighting and thunder, my stomach roars but I can only hear your voice urging me forward
I eat at home, I take long walks alone
I have a notebook full of excuses that sleep under my bed
My room is a disaster, plates, and cups galore
I am disgusting, I’m hoping that when I reach my goal all of my flaws will fall away
I will be exactly like the pretty, skinny girls I see all around me
I’m cold all the time, it reminds me of when I got locked out in the middle of winter
I walked miles going forward seemingly nowhere
My coat taut fastened across my thin chest
But I was shivering, the unknown frightened me
But now I know where I’m going
You lead me with your deathly bone-thin hand
Outstretched arms you pull me in
My monstrous overgrowth devouring you
You squeeze me until all of the fat melts away
Until I am skinny
Until I am bone
Until I am nothing

“Starve” Ana said, and so she did
Her body screamed “no” but she keep going
Because she wanted to love her reflection in the mirror not hate it
She trained her brain to hate the sight of food
Chocolate cake looks like diarrhea, lasagne looks like brains
“I’m strong” Ana said “starvation will never break me”
I’ll stop when I’m thin she told her parents
hungry to bed hungry to rise makes a girl a smaller size
Once on your lips is forever on your hips
“Resist or regret” Ana said
“You don’t have to count calories if you don’t eat”
All your allowed to drink is water and black coffee
Ana is making me sick

These are the years of skinny jeans and sadness
Of black eyeliner and blackouts
Surviving high school high on hunger
The only way to cure an anorexic is realization
Realization that maybe those five strawberries you’re eating for breakfast, lunch and dinner weren't  as healthy as they were before you started counting them as calories
Realization that maybe you shouldn’t have binged everything in the house then threw up
Realization that maybe you should just burn your diet journal with the rest of your habits
Becoming anorexic will give you a new vocabulary, with words such as binge, purge and thinspiration
Your mind will become a calculator counting every calorie as a new way to punish yourself for being a size six
Let me tell you there is nothing wrong with your body, but there is something wrong with your mind
Even when you reach your goal it will not be enough until you are a size smaller
Until you can see your ribs
Until bones is all that's left of you
Until your dead

Running around with a guy twice your age
Practically
I bet you feel really brave
He’s so cute though you say
Mature, sure
Fifteen and twenty
Not that bad
Five years is plenty

I might always be sad
When I remember you
And how you don’t love me
How you’ve treated me
But I’ve got to stop thinking of myself as a victim
Because I’m not
I’m a survivor
I shouldn’t miss you
All the things you put me through
But I do
You’re still my mother
At one time, my survival was dependent on you
At the time, you couldn’t wait to meet me
But that’s over
Even though you don’t miss me
I’ll forever miss the good times I had with you

Daylight breeches cowered mugshot eyes
Crackling lips, pop rocks turn tornado teeth
Leaving a disaster in its pearly white place
No one ever thinks the way I do
When I said no no one listened
Or stopped to think about how I was doing
Now I lay in this tomb unable to move
Dishes piling up higher than my mother’s withered expectations
Somedays I wish a magical creature called love would move my desolate feet
Commandments from a voice strong yet gentle
Carrying my timidness into another realm of being
Of being confident and peaceful

Crush my bones into a fine paste
My lips slack and cold with the words I wanted to say but never told
There was a fire once lit, but now it is just just embers and no matter how much I try I can’t help but remember
Back in November when everything was normal and no one knew I had a problem without me having to tell them
I haven’t been angry since my break down and from there everything seemed to spiral down
Instead of being told reasons I have to live for, I’m told how much I am cared for
What happens when they stop caring?
Is that when It’s okay for me to die, I could lie and say I’m better
I had to sugar coat every single letter and I tell them that I’m fine
I’m not scared, I’m not lonely I haven’t stayed awake wondering if I wasn’t alive
I haven’t been angry since my breakdown, I haven’t felt anything unless I’m sad or someone is mad and I’m not, I’m not exactly like my dad
Everyone normally likes me, except when they don’t or when I’m actually being me
But I’m not me right now I’m crazy and everything before that feels so hazy
When I imagined my high school years I thought of daisies
And just maybe, my time is coming
Maybe all I need to do is stop running
I just need to hope
And deal with my problems and cope
But coping isn’t always as easy as it sounds
Especially when everyone seems to want a showdown
I haven’t been angry since my breakdown
I tell everyone I’m just fine
The only thing I do in math is draw straight lines
And remember the time when you were mine, and something belonged to me and I never had to be something I’m not but I always had to pretend
Pretending became part of my life who I am, it became part of my daily routine where I could pretend nothing was exactly what it seemed
Freedom sounds nice, being able to pretend if I want and be alone in the house
But I’m never left alone because I might hurt myself and honestly if given the chance I’d **** myself
And this time I’d make sure I’d get it right
Take so many pills that I’d see the light
I had considered shooting myself in the head
But there would be too much blood to be shed
That’s why I took the pills in the bathtub
Because the pills were a last minute decision, gun or pills?
Sometimes I wonder if I should have chosen the gun
But then I think about my mom
Cleaning up my blood and then I am grateful I didn’t choose it
I’m glad I decided to forget it
I feel like I don’t deserve to be alive
but at least I can say I try
To be a good person
I learned my lesson
I changed the lives of everyone around me
And that’s worse than if I was dead

She doesn’t recognize herself
She stares into the mirror
But the face staring back
Isn’t her
This girl is feral
Dangerous
Liquid poison dripping from her tongue
This girl could snap at any point
Collapse at the drop of a hat
Freak out
Then there's no going back
You’re gone
There’s no saving you
You’re all alone
Like you always were
But you’re not anymore
Dark arms pull you in closer
You feel the cold glass hitting your skin
Your eyes closed briefly now you open
She switched spots with you
You bang on the mirror to get out
But now you’re trapped with everyone else
Who’s ever trusted their reflection
Shadows in dusk
Rain in the summertime
This was not supposed to happen

Pulp stain
On the rug
Red juice
Tender wounds
Break open
Peeling from skin
Crisp, fresh metal
Icy, hot flesh
Hot, burning
Explode
Red stains on the rug

I think somethings going to happen
I’m not sure what it is
Good, I hope
If it goes badly I know I’ll be sad
But at least I can say it happened
Because what’s real is real
If you can see and hear
I’m ready, break my heart

Tell me something you want to know
Watch my feelings for you grow and grow
Hold me tight, day and night
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
Proving our love is real from the dawn of time
See your lips quiver, your backbone shiver
Give me sight, to see the light
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
Baby, this is your time to shine
Who cares what the other’s will say?
No one will stand in our way
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
Anything is okay, everything is fine
They’ll hear me roar, then they’ll know for sure
That she is mine and I am hers
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine
God says Eve was made from Adam’s rib bone
No, she was born of golden sunshine
Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine

I wish I was nice to everyone
I can be
I’m just not
And I haven’t realized it
But I’m a *****
To so many people
Who didn’t deserve it
Who’ve been there for me
I need to stop
I need to be nice
From now on that’s what I’ll do
Change
That’s what I need to do

You never know what lurks in the darkness
I lurk in the darkness you don’t want them to see you so you hide your face, you hide your feelings you hide who you are
You don’t want them to see you
But I see you because I am here too
We are hiding for different reasons through different seasons
We hide in the dark because it feels safe
When the living room becomes an unwelcome space
And everything you say is wrong
And everything you do is just another reason for someone to judge you and blame you for things that you can’t control
And the fact that nobody liked you, until you stopped saying things that you really meant and started saying things that they wanted you say
And started acting like they wanted you to act and every day becomes another reason to hate yourself, another punch on a punchcard that you're going to heaven unlike those other kids like you who didn’t keep their mouths shut
But I am done standing in the shadows, done keeping my mouth shut
So do what you will, but now there's only you

Before I was scared that if I stared into his eyes
That I would be afraid again
That all my therapy and lessons I’ve learned
Would mean nothing and I would be manipulated once again
But instead, when I looked into his eyes I didn’t see the intimidating anger
The punishments, the fury
I saw a coward trying to scare me one last time
He looked really pathetic in his suit sitting next to his lawyer
Graying and thinning away
From the stress of his actions
I’m not scared anymore
I know what real love is now
I’m not alone anymore
And he can’t take anything away from me anymore

My fingertips are gold
my heart, navy blue
But only when I
Am thinking of you
No one understands
That I am slowly sinking
Fading away forever
Can’t you see
That i’m trying
But nobody knows
I’m slowly dying

You might be sleeping
I’m unsure
Always confused
About you
In the morning
Sleeping until noon
After
Sunset, rise
Burnt orange
No that’s not pretty
Peach
And lilac and pink
The colors I see behind your eyes
Point is
You’re here
I’m here
Let’s make the most of it

He reached into her body
And took a piece of her soul
She didn’t say anything
Because she was afraid
She wouldn’t feel whole
That news would get back to him
That he would punish her
Scream in her face
Make her life more hell than it already was
Now she has to go to trial
In front of the jury and judge
In front of her mother who knew
In front of him too
And she’s not afraid
Well she is
To see his eyes
She’s afraid that if she looks
Then she’ll never be able to forget
That he’ll haunt her dreams
More than he ever did before
But she’s ready to speak
She’s been silent her whole life
This she knows
That she has to do this
Not for her
But for every single
Little girl that has come before her
And any little girl that would come after her
Will never have to go through what she had to
She’s afraid but she’s ready
Come at me
With all you got

Don't be happy just because someone is giving you compliments
You're better than that

Sometimes I hate myself
I don’t know why
Because I don’t say the right thing
And I shouldn’t
Because I’m so nervous
I wish there was something I could be
Something
Poison
Climbing down the stars
Something feral confident
Acid dripping from her tongue
Exhausted from the chase
She’s trying to hard
Dying
Her tears put out the flames
She doesn’t know why
Why she doesn’t recognize herself

Sometimes I hate myself for the way I stared back at him in fear
I hate myself for how scared I was
Now I’m stronger than ever
But then again
He was really angry
And I was really young
He scared me, he truly did
But now I’m older
And I know now
He is just a coward

Am I crazy?
Why do I feel like this
Everyday

I daydream about death
Sometimes I wonder how it feels to be 6 feet under
I dream about the release of quiet
Of nothing
No stress
Daydreaming about my mother again
Hoping she’ll show up out of the blue
Come back for me
She won’t
This I know
I don’t want to die
I just think of it often
And I don’t know how to stop thinking
To stop feeling so much
Sometimes you wonder if you’re just as bad as him
Because you saw the mugshot of him
And how much he aged in the past months
So skinny, so stressed
You wonder if you’re just as bad
If you’re causing someone to stress so much
Am I causing him pain?
I don’t care
But I don’t want to turn out like him
I remember when he used to be so intimidating
When you thought no one would believe you
Because he was so convincing
I hope I never cause anyone pain
But I guess sometimes you have to
Because you need to protect others around you

I have major depressive disorder and depressive episodes
I’ve tried so hard to dig myself out of this hole
But I’m stuck, so stressed
Even though I have nothing going on
I’m not doing anything
Ever
Just sad
I guess
I don’t know
More than that
It’s just everything
Not anything in particular
Okay, I’m lying
It’s my mom
The fact that she doesn’t even try
She doesn’t even try at all, ever
Like I wasn’t good enough for her
She doesn’t want to fight for me
She wants nothing to do with me
And I never did anything to her
I was good
I loved her
More than any scummy man could
But she doesn’t believe it
She doesn’t believe me
She hates me
Because I took her husband away
Testified and put him in prison
She sat with his family during the trial
She even testified against me
I know I should hate her
And I do more than anything
But I just want her to know
That I am worth something
At the very least
I am her child
She nursed and cradled me
I was her baby
At one point
She should care!
She should want me!
Why doesn’t she want me?

Sometimes I wonder if I ever  knew my mother at all
Growing up I thought I knew her better than anyone
I was naive, I thought she loved me
No strings attached, even with my flaws
Which there were many
She seemed so loving in my earliest childhood years
Soothing my ever constant fears of being alone
It was hard growing up alone, with her
When she was there, then suddenly she  disappeared
Never to be the same mother, I had come to know
The weak fragile mother who needed me to comfort her
Sit with her while she drank her morning coffee
Who soaped my crazy hair as a baby in the kitchen sink
She was a mother, the only one I had ever known
Who became distant and uncaring when I began to mature
“He didn’t do that to you”
“I don’t believe you?’
“Why would he touch you?”
He was her husband
Her love
Mine wasn’t good enough
Remembering the woman I thought I knew is one of the hardest things I will have to do
Especially when she was the one person I was supposed to look up to
To be like her
Painless, unfeeling
Bury it deep so you never feel it
Ignore the problems and they’ll go away
No
That’s Her
Not me

Little girls grow up with Disney
And all your life Disney girls have been found by their princes
All your life you have waited for your prince but time and again he has not shown up
Then suddenly, here he is, and he is nothing like you expected
All he wants to do is play video games, ignore you and he never ever shaves
You try to do what Disney princesses do but now it just doesn’t feel like it should but you go through the motions because he is the only one who showed up
Then you meet another Disney girl, except she is nothing like you expected she never waits for what she wants, and she makes you feel like yourself again
You realize that you don’t need to wait for your prince any longer for your princess has been here all along

Don’t look
I wouldn’t want you to see me like this
It’s best that you look away
I want you to remember me
Exactly the way I was
Don’t look now
My face is greying
My hair is fraying
I know I keep on saying
But don’t, don’t look
My eyes are unblinking
My heart is sinking
Please don’t look
You wouldn’t like what you see

I let people walk all over me
Then apologize for not being a good enough doormat

Sometimes I feel so sad and I don’t know why
My life has gotten better and theres clearly people who have it worse than me
So why can’’t I just appreciate what I have?
Why do I have to be so angry and mean and sad all the time?
Why can’t I just love myself so others can love me back?
I want someone to love me
The way people in old films love each other
The way Jack sacrificed himself letting Rose set on the door while he froze
I don’t know who I’m attracted to
When it comes down to it, *** doesn’t matter to me
I just want someone to hold me in their arms and tell me it’ll  be okay until it is
I want someone to be there when I cry and tell me it’s alright
I want someone to care, and I’ll do anything, be anything to have that happen
I don’t care what I have to do, as long as I stop feeling empty and hallow
Why can other girls be happy and in love, but I can’t?
I fall in love fast, and I stay in love for a long time
I’m devoted and clearly available
So why not me?
I just want someone to be with me
To hold me until I can hold myself together
But I know why no one will
Because I’m a freak
If love is so easy
Why isn’t it easy for me?

I’m wondering if he had as much fun as I did
Did his breath draw in with anticipation
When I touched him
Did his skin cells dance to the sound of his rapid heartbeat
Were his fingers curled as I kissed him
Are his feelings growing
Strong like the path I imagine for us
I wonder if he thinks of me
Every second like I do him
Does he bite his lip and sigh when he thinks about what we did
When we were intertwined
Two loves of a lifetime
I wish I knew what he is thinking about

It’s like you can hear your own heart beating
You can hear your blood pumping through your veins
And you can’t feel anything
Emotionally, physically
Nothing at all
There's nothing to be said
There's nothing you can do
Sometimes it seems so easy to be sad
But hard to perk up when you hear your name being called
The word that belongs to you, and sends knowing signals to your brain
It’s hard to respond when that name is being called to you
Because you don’t know if you’re that person anymore
You don’t recognize the girl who was called that
You hear the name but it just feels strange and numb
A name echoing into the nothingness, a name not worth remembering
She’s gone
She disappeared
And only this hollow shell of a person is left
In your body
Unfeeling
Emotionless
Empty except for this absence of feeling and emotion you once felt
Your body remembers when it once was happy
And cared about things
When you wanted to run and jump and sing to the sun
You can be happy again
You can sing to the sun again
You can remember your own name
You can be that girl again
Who responds when you call for her
You can live
That hollow emptiness will fill back up again
The pitcher in your heart will overflow
And you’ll be happy again
You’ll feel whole again
It might take a while
For the oceans to flood the gates
But know that someday
The tears will cease
You’ll find peace in yourself and what you do
And you’ll never forget
That the empty pitcher can be filled back up again

Why be your own enemy?
When there are so many people out to get you

How do I explain?
When I don’t know exactly what is going on
Why I’ve been so devastated
Without using my mother's betrayal as my excuse
How do I explain that I can’t smile anymore
How do I explain that I haven’t felt joy in such a long time
That every sign I try to send is denied
The world seems pinned against me every single day
Like it wants me to fail
How can I stop thinking about her?
How I want to change the past
That I want to be able to control what she did
And make her a better mother
How can I explain that just because I miss her does not mean that what I have is not enough
It’s more than enough
But for some reason I need closure
I just want to scream at her
And ask her again and again
Why she couldn’t love me
I want to break something
I want the hole in my chest to fill back up
I want to feel something besides this immense pain inside myself
That no matter what I do I can seem to feel any better
I’m struggling
No hug from anyone can make me feel better
No kind words
Nothing except closure
I want her to pay for the things she did
For making me hurt so bad
I want her to know how badly she’s hurt people
That she’s the villain
I want people to stop telling me
She only did it because she was scared
I was scared too!

Bleach blonde
Bikini body
Red stained knuckles
Reaching for something healthy
Unattainable
Teeth mark scars
Take something from me that I don’t have
One more crunch
One less rice cake
Don’t listen to the tsunami upstairs
It’ll fill your head with a million reasons
To give yourself up
Reach down your throat to your belly
To become the girl you hate more than ever
Spraying perfume on bottle cap wrists
Twisted at an angle for your fifth body check picture today
Beauty is the only thing I wanted
I’m not sure if I’ll ever get there