Lately I've been
Thinking about this little girl
That was in the room next to mine
At the state rehab
Facility when I
Was 13
She was always
Crying
And being
Told to wash her face
Use her coping skills
She was 6
And her parents told
Her they were going
Out for
ice cream
Then they dropped her
Off
And she hasn't seen
Them in two weeks
So she's crying
And she's scared
And she's telling this
To a drugged up
Hospital gowned (they took all my clothes at check in)
Preteen
She's scared
I've got scars up
And down my arms

She's scared
And she's crying
And this isn't the ice cream parlor
Down the street
From her suburban home
And this isn't her bed
These aren't her friends
And I don't know why
But I promised her that everything would be ok
And that it was fine to be scared
         her parents were coming back

Everything would be fine
And perhaps there would be pudding
With sprinkles at lunch
Which is pretty close to ice cream.

I wrapped my pinky around
Hers
Half the size
And I promised her all of these things
None of which I really knew
To be true
A nurse came barreling down the hallway
And screamed at me
For interacting with a younger
Girl in a different program
Then they moved her to a different room

I never saw her again
Heard her cry
And I forgot about her
Little blotchy
Swollen face
Crying to me
Throughout the years

Then a few weeks ago
I remembered that you had promised to me
You would always be here
Which you couldn't possibly know
And I thought of the girl
And the ice cream
All of the promises I made

I wondered if I had lied
To her
And I wondered
Why we so often
Make promises
We aren't entirely sure
Will be kept?

My feet
Are numb
And I can't
                                   Stand
         the deafening
Sound of
Sweet sounding
Nothings,
The bitter
And blank
Tingle of
White noise
That circulates
Rooms full
Of people.

Love seems
that it's half way
unconscious
like
burn on my cheeks
whenever I see
my lover
smile
and
halfway a choice
to be respect
the other
and their emotions
even if that
means
accepting the
fact
they may never
really ever love you back.

I have never stuttered in pen
misspoken in ink
or choked in my writing
the way I do
whenever I speak
my fingertips always know
the right words to say
my tongue is still learning

I kept staring at the ceiling fan reminding me of a dog chasing its tale, but the breeze relieved me. It kept me from sweating as your heart pounded in my ear begging me to answer your question.
I knew the answer you wanted, but I couldn't give it to you could I?
I spent so much time focusing on the one I lost, so much time knowing that she was the girl of my dreams that I was afraid to wake up.
As long as I stayed asleep I didn't have to live in a world where she didn't walk next to me every day.
Your eyes were burning a hole in my face.
So I burnt a hole in the ceiling fan.
Wishing and hoping it would take me away like a propeller on a helicopter.
Same concept right?
I wasn't going to escape this question that there was no right answer to.
You asked again maybe thinking I didn't hear you, but I heard you clearly both times when you said, "I love you."

Seven
Six split
I keep telling myself
That I'll quit
Eight
Nine
And ten
Somehow I'm back
In bed with you again
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Tell me how to
Surface
Tell me how to be clean
Eleven twelve
And thirteen
I loved you at just a baby soft nineteen

I sat there wasting away in my car, because I remembered when I had done this with you.
I had just gotten home, and my ear was to the phone, smiling widely at this dream come true.
Your voice was like music bellowing through the speaker coupled with the most angelic tones.
Now I sit reminiscing, wandering and remembering while roaming looking for new homes.
Sunsets are pointless and the rises are stupid since you they all neglect to include.
I belong in your life, and the same goes for you, but I'm not bold enough to intrude.
So sit in your car after a long drive home, laughing as your legs can't bend,
and I'll be here too, with lost thoughts of you hoping this paralysis would end.

I'm surrounded by silence and no one willing to hear me out.
I hear the singing of birds, the dancing of trees and the cries of laughter.
Oh how I long to sing back, itch to dance along and cry to laugh.
But, alas I have no one I can do these things with...
I am alone

Don't get me wrong, I am honored to be the chosen one out of my lifeless brothers and sisters, to have the opportunity to feel, but can anyone help me find a point in being different-
in feeling if I feel alone.

Every now and then some of my cells venture off bravely in exploration of someone I can call a friend, but lately they seem to be, I don't know...
mad at me...
They-
They keep destroying parts of me and replacing them with cheap prosthetic's.
I just wish they liked me more-
I wish they'd just let me be enough-
I just wish they'd take care of me...

Anyway, maybe one day they'll come back with good news, but until then I'll just be alone.