I feel like I’m drowning.
I’m trapped in the memories.
The times we shared.
I’m still waiting for you to come and pull me up.
But I can’t rely on that. Instead I should rely on myself.
But how can I get that strength, when all my strength is going to the cause of getting better?
I’m sick. I’m laying here every day. Passing hours in front of the phone. Looking at our talk and waiting for an answer.
But still nothing is coming. And I don’t know how to exist anymore. Because just laying here fills me with pain. Trying to do something is pain. Everything I try to move on, feels like pain.
Can I just stop being for a minute?

This pain is not ending.
I’m not depressed.
I’m in pain. I’m agony.
Because i can’t get u out of me. Out of my head, my bones, my memories, my dreams.
You’re all I think about. And at night I get angry. Angry cause u left me. As though I meant nothing to u. And maybe I never did. And this was all just a game to you.
I’m still hoping for u to come back.
But I’m dying every night in bed and crying myself to sleep. You still mean the world to me. Even though u hurt me. Hurt me more than I thought was possible to be  hurt again.
Maybe I am a fool.
But maybe u are. A fool to choose to go alone. A fool, because I was there for you. I wasn’t enough. And you weren’t, too.
But none of this really matters. Because I still ******* love you.
And love doesnt make sense, I was told.
So yeah. Maybe we’re both fools.

Today I got blue hair.
And it felt so good.
Finally a change, something new for me.

It's night and I can't breathe.
I hate myself suddenly.
And those tears I can't hold back. Not tonight.
Because at some point  I do have to go down. It appears to be tonight.
So I cry myself out. Another time.
Another awful night. Another restless sleep.

And tomorrow nobody will notice. It's a new day. So: just gotta continue to survive. To be the one, how everybody knows me.

Not sure what I can look forward to.
All those plans in my head- but not feeling up to.
I’m empty and unable to figure out what to do.
What to do.
Without you.

I thought I’m done.
Done missing this feeling.
This cozy feeling, they all call pain.
For me it’s not.
I miss it. The cut that brings out my inner peace.
This might seem dark, but is it really?

In the middle of the night-has been a long time I was up.
But after today- I’m not able to stop.
My body aches from shaking uncontrollably.
My eyes hurt from holding my fist against them, trying to stop the water running out...
My heart feels crushed and my chest hurts like being unable to breathe.
I never had this kind of heartache.
My thoughts run in my head and not sure what I’m even thinking. Everything hurts.
But I still can’t sleep.

The end. The end of our relationship. I’m not sure how to describe how I feel. I’m in pain. I’m in shock. And I’m confused.
I’ve felt so hurt. Hurt by all that happened. I’ve felt so angry. Angry by all that you did.
I’m feeling so lost. Lost with all my thoughts, that no one can make better. I don’t know how I can move on. And it’s the only possibility I’ve got.
After all that’s happened, I know that nothing would’ve made sense.
And still knowing it all. Still feeling angry.
I still love you. And I’m not sure I’m ever going to be able to stop. You were the man I wanted. But we made each other hurt. We were like poison for each other. But still unable to be without.
It’s better this way. I need to move on.
Maybe if I keep telling myself this over and over again, time will pass and I’ll live at some point again.
I’ll never forget you. You were my only one. My love.

Ey, what's wrong.
They say.
You really wanna know? Ok. I'm desperately in love with a guy, who loves me back. Thing is he lied. He made me his affair. He just told me. And though I forgave him, well he's not ready. He needs to put everything behind him first.
I'm scared. What if I never heal. Never heal from my past, the fear, the panic, the shame and the feeling I destroyed my family. What if this therapy won't help as well?
I read things about death and every time I do, I get a panic attack. ;z throat closes and the tears just stream down my face.
But hey. You don't really wanna know, do you?
Because if I told you, your reaction would be exactly the same to when I just say: Nothing. I'm just tired.

When the rain is falling down and you can't have a look around
scary people jump out
they're jumping so high up in the air
screaming, shouting laughing loud
making you feel you're small in their crowd
looking staring at you non-stop judging people like me
people that know it's not true, when someone says: I love you.
Knowing exactly what's the truth
and realizing that life they live is just made up, a huge big lie.
so they feel good and safe if someone would tell them
they would just call their man
so he can beat the hell out of me.

So you go, I will stay to wait, until I die.
Then you'll be back, you will, to carry me to my bed,
'til we are together soon, watching an empty white room.
Thinking of what had been.
Why we still haven't won the battle of your sins.

I wish I could see you once more.
See your face and look into your eyes.
Melting inside, when I look at you.
Feeling your skin on my hands.
Touching your eyes wishing you could realise how much I care. How much I love every inch of you. You’re perfect to me.

But I guess I won’t be able to do that again.