i want to apologize to all the woman
i have called beautiful
before i've called them intelligent or brave
i am sorry i made it sound as though
something as simple as what you're born with
is the most you have to be proud of
when your spirit has crushed mountains
from now on i'll say things like
'you are resilient,' or 'you are extraordinary,'
not because i don't think you're beautiful
but because you are so much more than that

Just tell me how, how to tell someone how much they mean to you? With all the letters in the alphabeth, and the words in every book, I can't even come close. You're so much more than the sun, the moon and the stars. More than the grass, the oceans and the sky. So much more than just a reason to wake up and look up. Much more than the blood in my veins and the cells in my brain. More than the smell of rain, and more than the mess that is my room. You are so much more than every book I read, coffee I drink or day I live. You're everything that keeps me going, and I want to let you know how much you mean but... But just tell me how? How to tell someone how much they mean to you?

Because I need you to know.

when i say i'm alone, i mean i'm alone. not in the way you can be alone when no one is around you, but the kind of alone you are when the room is filled with people while not one of them knows how you feel or what's going on in your life. i am the kind of alone when you drive home from a long day of school and you know that no one is gonna ask how your day was. the kind of alone you feel on a birthday, when everyone seems so happy but you just can't feel the whole birthday spirit.

i am not the kind of alone you are when there is no presence of another person, i feel the most alone around people. i am alone in the way i feel, alone in the way i understand life, alone in school, alone at home, i am always alone. and there is no one who can make me feel any less alone, no matter how hard you try. so i crawl to the background, i turn to music, turn to my writing and try to become okay with the constant lonelyness and i realise it's not such a shame to alone.

but sometimes it just feels

so alone.

When people tell you that they understand what you're going through: They don't. They have no idea how you feel about anything. If you tell them that you had a sleepless night because of the test tomorrow morning, and they tell you that they understand: They don't. They're trying to calm you, trying to show you that you're not alone.

And maybe it's wrong to say, but for me it is the truth. The way I see it is that no one ever understands how you felt that night. That no one ever understands how much it killed you inside when your mom got angry, or when your cat died. No one knows how you felt when you got your heart broken for the first time, or when you broke your favorite mug. No one understands what you thought when you lost your best friend, or friends.

So if someone ever tells you that they understand, you know they don't. And you know that they can say whatever they want, but it won't change anything about you, because they do not understand.

Losing a best friend is like losing air. You need it to keep living and you expect it to always be there. But once it's gone, you realise how much you appreciated the fact of it being there.

Everything will fade away and you can't move. You will see the world disapear while you're living in it.

Yes, losing a best friend is like losing air.

It's like the silence, but like the sound.
It's like missing you, while you're there.
It's like everything, and nothing at all.
It's like us, but without you.