what i did to cope with 5 peoples emotional overload
Here i sat , thinking i had dealt all my blows on this fatigued mind ,
worn down by the strains of family inconsistent values
of selfish values
and here i sat , thinking it was me - who was the trouble child ,
here i sat , thinking it was me who had healed herself time and time again ,
here i sat thinking i was done with the past heartache and headaches and whatever aches
oh...i thought...dang...
i saw in slow motion - as my mother began to talk once more about the past’s difficult trenches , the war in the living room .
the tears from a father figure at christmas on his knees begging for redemption ,
a child on the stairs
a tree without presents and i see the wall slowly come up
the obscure orange fog ,
cloud that segment of my minds garden
i had never noticed the metaphysical manifestation
that was what it took from me,
( through no fault , who’s to blame , we could spend hours and hours pointing fingers walking , the maze’s circles only to end up at the starts end, and it wouldn’t matter anyway ... )
but what i now see , what it took from me -
to pick up where the so called parents had failed ,
and fallen ,
both self absorbed ,
play the kids against each other , subliminal messages of
“your father did this..” oh but no “ your mother was this...”
pity at their own wounds , licking them like kittens , nursing the pain , moving on without looking at their damage because it’s easier
it took from me , to block all of my mothers emotions to mother my siblings
her manic depression , her answer for a partner , her go to call
me - who else could she pour blame onto when , she knew **** well
there was no one but her to blame, and it’s not without knowing that her life hasn’t exactly been rose fields of sunshine hues - her self only healing now too..
but it doesn’t excuse .
and now - finally - finally i see - and i stand at a distance replaying the scenes in my head
shouting how could you let this happen? how could you let me get so empty, and say nothing. how could you let this ice cold diamond heart form and not notice? And even worse, still talk about yourself?!
i guess , that’s just what happens when you feel too much , and you care too much , and when you love with such ferocity it rips through all ******* to the things that matter and that to me, was everyone else’s sanity. Because i’m rational enough to have understood that if i didn’t no one else would -
what i did to cope with 5 peoples emotional overload
it took for me to build a protection shield around my emotions and to bite the bullet as it came hurtling towards me and now do i SEE those defenses after having distilled my mind with meditational forces
,and man , i just want to tell my younger self , you’ll be alright baby , you’ll make it - you don’t need to , it’s just their discontentment at their own judgment ,
~~~
i recall having exams at school and doing the weekly shop because no one had gone shopping, the school calling me up and saying they’d hold them for later , so i could get my qualifications
i recall the smashed doors and recall the screams and the police and i recall little else in vivid detail ,
But i think the worst part , is looking at the ramifications on my siblings and i
yes , it’s made us strong and people who won’t back down at fighting for the truth , and fighting for the heart
but , it’s made us fragile and frail in our convictions and for me , the worst part is how i took on their hate
i know i’m not bad , but it’s when those voices keep saying :
you still are not good enough to deserve whatever the **** it is you want
and i thought i had banished those creatures , turns out , my mind isn’t infinite
i had a feeling ,
near infinity is as close as it gets
and eventually what you throw out will come back.
sometimes hearts are not beautiful, but at least they are honest.