Leaning here
Hoping to have a moment
Realization
Clarity
Bring to me; a piece of mind
If God exists I'm begging
If Ghandi grants wishes
If I can please ******* find some peace
Or even just a piece
Something to hold onto, someone to hold my hand
Because truth is I'm scared
Truth is I'm holding my heart, griping my keyboard, hugging my mind
They don't tell u how real it is
Always gotta learn the hard way
I don't even know what I'm writing about
I'm just laying here; laying here trying to stay woke, stay free, stay alive
I went to school today and didn't do to class
I stared in a boys eyes, told him I'm not gone
Keeping in touch, seems a bit to much
Seems like I'm fighting myself
Everyday I'm struggling
Fear and doubt
I will prevail I will not fail
I have nothing to prove, I shall own up my sins
I shall caress every acquaintance; in a home that feels safe, where we aren't afraid
Clenching my jaw, body like a suttle current, with a mind like a hurricane
I shall not fail myself
I shall not let myself go
I shall not hate
I'm never giving in, not headed to that golden gate

i see you standing in the kitchen, I catch your glance from the corner of my eye. I see you making breakfast, watch you burn the toast. I hear you laughing, my god you make the most menacing sound. I sit across the room, watch you dance as you attempt to make me smile. But I'm already smiling, a wide grin. I look you in the eyes and curl up my lip in a half sarcastic manner attempting to call you over without using my words. Success. As you get closer I remember your eyes. I stare deep inside, ice cold, in love. You meet me with a kiss, you rest your forehead on mine. It is Sunday, we are happy. You tell me you love me, I let you **** me in the shower. You brush my hair and tell me stories about the nights when I was home alone and couldn't take myself out of bed. I pretend to listen, I pour a drink. These are my happiest days, the ones where I don't wake up feeling stone cold and vicious, the ones where I can go to sleep knowing I am loved and love another.  No unfinished business, haven't cried since you left.

It's like when you're ****** and forget that you're cold
Everyone's way too sensitive
If you don't do anything when you're young you won't have anything to talk about when you're old
I hear the bell charming, an eerie sound
Smoking yet another cigarette
Tonic water to ***** ratio is off
Unforgettable Saturday nights
Been on this binge since last Monday
Can't get it together, not sure I want to
Just because I'm snorting my savings account doesn't mean I can't understand the things I'm seeing with these wide eyes
Fiends at the door, girls crying on the bathroom floor
My boyfriends ten years older than me but age doesn't matter because it's pretty easy to hate anyone
Everyone's telling me to quit while I'm ahead but I can't seem to feel anything or understand their concern
I'm not a drug addict I'm a party enthusiast
Tell my mother I love her

I can taste the ******* drips, an IV of memories, a life line
I can feel my nose bleeding, I begin to laugh, why me?
Is it getting hard to explain to your parents what you did last night? Do you hold back? Do they even care?
Mine don't seem to give a ****
My mother asked me why there's black circles around my eyes, asked why I seem to be on edge, why I'm never home
A lot of questions
I don't like to say much, I'd rather just do
I'm more of a slap you across the face kind of girl, or a dance away from the smell of hate kind of life enthusiast
Sometimes I wish I cared
Most days I'm glad I don't

I start to look more like her everyday

As my eyes sink further
Create black holes for under eye circles

Every cigarette I smoke creates a more defined pore

Every meal I skip

Every man I sleep with

I am becoming my enemy
I have been her all along
So alike yet so different
I don't want to give in

Dreading every ******* day
Hoping for the best

Waking up every morning knowing I'm already dead
Letting the pain leave my chest

Covering my scars, hiding this massive hole in my heart
Taking a deep breathe, baby steps

Lighting up a cigarette, told myself I'd quit last week
Staring myself in the mirror, telling myself I'll be brilliant

Crying in the car, rambling on about some awful **** that I did
Starting the conversation, never letting my mind wander

Walking through the halls, dwelling on the past, dwelling on how bad the future will be
Sitting at this desk, knowing I am intelligent, letting myself be brave

Hiding in the bathroom, I am never enough
Talking to myself, I've come this far

Drinking myself to death, glass half empty
Putting down the bottle, knowing the answers don't lie at the bottom

Taking my demons to bed, letting the things he told me burry themselves in my skin
Laying down, accepting what the day has brought

Every other issue
A love that consumed me

This is goodbye
Petrified

Weak and tired
I've spent more than a few weeks feeling weak and tired

I am ill
In more ways then one
I feel pain
Sometimes none

My vices are killing me
My body can't handle them like it used to

I am growing older
I am drifting away