Struggling to cope
Strung out on dope
Seems there's no hope
Everyone thinks
I'm
A joke
Can't stay afloat
Looking at life thru
A microscope
This poem needs rewrote

Saddness creeps
Into my brain

My uneasy heart
Tuggs at the strings
My mind has been warpped
Under other peoples. Views and opinions
My broken view of the world is unclear
Im a mistake
Im a burden
Im just a waste of time
Those words have.been etched
Into my thoughts

Cuz over and over my mother.
My grandmother
My demons
Do curse me
beat me down
Make me believe the words
And i have becomem a wasted life
Now i believe
Im not important
Not worth tje effort
Others are better
If they stay far away
From me
So i don't( ruin anymore peoples lives)
Im a failure
Im a **** up
A. Ctazy freak
Im ruined my life
And i hate myself
Because all i ever wanted was to be the best mom i could be
n i failed i ******
Up. I ruuined it so bad
I miss my kids so much ot hurts but they are mostly better without me around
Everything i touch becomes tainted

**** is his
game, fire in his eyes make me feast on what's inside I see his **** smile
he glows from
From all the happiness  that courses through his veins,
How happy he does looks,
now I know he's what it took.
To make me happy and make me scream to make me beg on my knees funny how it is to have a surprise when I get his cream in my eyes.
It's in my nature to be naughty I look at my daddy with,  staring him down knowing I will soon make his frown turned upside down
when I grab him by the **** oh I know isn't it hot!
In my mouth his **** does now slide and its leaking from the tip oh how I want it. it's mine
Oh how lovely I get a treat such a wonderful thing to eat.
A fixation so sweet I'm obsessed with his moans and the way he bucks his hips.
It truly makes me wild to make him satisfied for a little while and then just before he ****.I pull it out of my mouth I slowly lick the tip then a shiver does goes down his spine.then of course I put my whole mouth on it and give him the best ****** of all times.
Yet for I have to get a kiss from him so gently and so soft it makes me feel deeply that I need his ******* **** so you can't come in and find out what other stuff will begin!

My favorite friend whose now my lover
Says kind things to  me all the time.
Its so uplifting and heartwarming
That he most the time it makes me blush.
Thats because when he says it is heartfelt!

Sitting in this place the are   lights off in My Brain and millions  spots filling these circles with black circled dots, darkness is coming for my soul but wont my body  because it old
I'm holding my head I can't help it if  frown there is a sound coming from the other room a feeling that gets louder boom boom every second every time every clock that takes rings alarm clock like it's the morning after your brain has mastered every thought and every second and every word every reason every hope God forsaken place that I've ever held in my heart these are the words that are engraved into the world for I will not leave without giving you that one thing you hope for the most to give you the piece of paper that holds my fate.I  might face my desire My ending on a downward slate messed up trials the messed up  I gave up my Reasons I fed up I'm telling you those aren't the only things that mark as a spot in my head I do walk in and I was of my hard headed my mind wondering who is on my side is there only to have this place that is locked away with a key Unstoppable decisions that make my consequences good choices I make other good or bad it's for that sake or is it opened you can be free step on to this sand make your heart make your choice to start up to you give it the world your choice to make it true if there's only place that you can erase your thoughts or you can write I ought to know there's a note on the bathroom door it says please go to the store but can you realize you are not only there as a slave to this world but be gentle in your words in your touch in your mind some people can't spot that quickening that has you wishing you could finish before the end don't be so quick to make a decision that is where you could find your parts of the world that the words  are supposed to replace.so out of time they don't rhyme that doesn't matter who's defined that is your magic place in time. A magical space is truly kind the feeling of hope that makes you rewind closing down your brain making your heart train that is the magical place you start to feel like you actually have a part this world is a big one but you can start by picking up the pieces that were messed up from the start closing everything like it's a Gallery of Art you don't show the world if the missing piece that won't be seen and we'll get old collect dust and no one will see with the tween lines of each piece of paper that you signed that is how you know is fate coming to take its place and rate you a place that makes you great be able to see it and no it is true no one is knocking on the door but you stand up and be seen throw the world the words of the Unseen that is finally a good place to be nothing left but a good night sleep

How dare you judge,
Actually assume
Im a fool
My life is so ****** up
And you seem to think .. we are suppose to maintain a
Decent amount of commuacation
Your not suppose to be a burden to ask outlandish
Stating that my reaons for not speaking all day to you or when you see fit.
Your making a mockery of my trust in your
A ****** off if you want me to gravel at your feet

I'm not in pain glad to be out of the rain you were never shelter you were just a memory I was supposed to get have a lesson learned now it's past never going to give you a chance to see me cry I'm not no baby cuz I'm a warrior I'm no victim I'm a hard-headed Soldier and opinionated woman with the attitude don't **** around with me cuz I'll give you no choice but to go I'm never going to sit here and cry alone cuz you didn't do what you thought you did you didn't make me less than you I've learned a lesson because of you I can live on I can be happy I've moved on no more ******* no more lies I don't have to deal with you making me cry I'm a better person now.. I  will put a tattoo of this day a memory of why I'll never stay don't settle for less than you want because it is ******* guaranteed never need to flaunt!

When you love too much ..
Your prone to get hurt easily ..

It's devastating to be left without your warm
Presence..
I'm at a loss for words

My life is a rollercoaster ride

With a tidal waves reaching the sky.

I love him I miss the one that was so into me the one that is happy to hold my hand happy to spend time with me
I feel alone again
I feel sad and hurt and lost
I don't know how to make him want me like he use to
To make him excited to be in love with me
Now I'm just
A side burner
I. Just a reason to avoid me. I bring up the thoughts in my brain and you get mad and say I want all I want to do is fight
I am trying to te 'll you how I feel
But a you see is me trying to cause a fight
I'm broken
I'm scared I'm losing you
And that is the last thing I want
I we t us to go back the the happy couple we were
And its breaking my heart its ripping my heart open
Its making me hurt so deep
Its starting to be like I'm just someone you hate being around
Someone that you want to get away from someone you want to not be with and that is crushing me and I'm devastated and I don't know what to do or what to say ..
I could just die today and it wouldn't phase you a bit
That there is the fear in my mind all the time
The thing I think about
And don't dare to talk about
Cuz you will just tell me to shut up or accuse me of talking to someone that is the way you get me to be so upset
You have no idea how much I secretly cry. How much i hurt inside
How much i pray to God that I'm not about to lose this important relationship this special part of my heart that isn't ever gonna be the same this memory that instead of being a happy one it will break my heart every single time I thing of it

Oh my
What is this life
A doomed life
I have to live
a
Agony
I seem to dread
Another reason
To go to bed
A ****** up memory in my head
All the things that they said
A ruined pathway
I have lead
A empty heart
Needing to be fed

There once was a shiny shard
But then I smoked it and got tweaked.
Now its gone
And you can't get more until you wave goodbye to all your morals and values are you wanting more.
Well start waving goodbye

my addictions & afflictions,

The decision I need to make
On whether to give up or give in

Just maybe I need to disappear from sight

Melt a bowl
Cracking it back
Just one time
I'm escaping
The reality of my life

I choose to stop this  
Responsibility  of hard work
And
Now I light it up
I get higher
Then the clouds
Distancing myself

From the
that part of me don't think
The parts of me that don't deal no need to speak

Jump straight the hole
Dig deeper now

Cursed by the lies

I know now how it is
Looking in the window,
Of your own life.

Seeing the dark,
shadow of the life you once loved

Now but a empty space
a dusty room
A few cobwebs forming
Throughout


So much denial
So much build up pain
the flame that once
Burned bright

Dimmed down to
Nothing
A cloudy
Reality

So much wastes time and
Energy
Put on pretending it wasn't real

To finally accept the truth
Is beyond
Hard

I would rather walk backwards  then to
Relive that past

Redeem

Looking out the window out Into the cold dark world.
Seeing all the damage
That people have been thrown.
Walkig past one another
Each and every day
Not even looking at each other as they pass their ways.
Sadness fills their own heads
Makes them blind and mute
Never even smile
Blank looks or dismay
So caught off guard
They don't even bother to say ''hey''
How are you to day
And even then if they do
The other people say,''good or fine''
Most likely That Not even close to the actions and feelings that
Are just below the surface
Taunting their brains
Suffocating their realities
Creating havoc and chaos every turn
Alone in a world with people all around
Somehow its true but you
Can't forget the your Own views.
You don't have a clue
What others think. Or do

Melting into the oblivous
Abyss
Having the courage to be different
To strive to lend a hand
To go out of your way to connect to others
And she the gain.
Know that all of us have struggles and all of us Feel pain
But being kind and doing your best to fill their voids.
Show people that are almost ready to give up that their is another way
Share your voice. Share your hearts
Change a view or a soul
Make them all feel better
Even if its just a smile and to say .
I hope you have a nice day
At least you tried to make. Someone
Happy just one more day.

By Anna Marie rose How are
12- 17-2017

Overwhelmed by this feeling
Seems no matter how hard I try
My efforts fall on deaf ears
My desires aren't as important
As I thought
My wants are not valued
By you
My thoughts go straight to what
Have I Done Wrong
Why am I not good enough
Why do I still get the short hand of the stick

I try so hard but its not even close to being enough
I guess its time I just give up
Broken hearted is so lame
I'm hurting so bad
This is insane

Starting to have feelings
For you
Swear its running throughout my head
Wishing I could cuddle with you in bed ..
Wishing you would grab my hand...
Needing for you to understand.
Longing to have you love me back
To see you need me back
Dreams of making love
Seem to overflow my brain
Cant tell you that because im
So afraid of rejection you see
If i dont tell you
It cant be proved wrong
Tears that have fallen
Dont really have a place
I belong
A game of tug a war
It seems
Jumping up to see what you need
Trusting enough to
Show you my seams
Even if it goes to extremes
Rambling on like a fool
Maybe I am crazy about you
Secrets my friend
We can find comfort again
Easing my mind so I dont
Cry.. Why is it that
Im falling down
To get the fire i need to
Have the desire to feed
Possibility of a future with
You
I hope its true
And im not just walking into
A gap of rejection like
A rat in a trap
*** i think my poem is crap

A spiral of smoke
       Satin rose petals
         Delicate tears
            leaks
From your Deepest thoughts

I have a sickness I
Cannot lie

It craves to feed
The fatal
Eyes

A greedy lust
A need for The sickening
Strangers touch
The need 
So strong

It haunts my mind
A
Ever flowing
Urge

To be naughty
All the time
To moan and shake
To feel the pain


Deep down Inside
Begs to make
A extremely wet
Mess
A soaking bed
Almost a lake

The illness I have
Is overwhelming
Indeed

I have a problem
An issue of sorts
No Im not joking
Or Exaggerating at all

I crave a sin so pure
I fight a demonic
Beast a
Biting, gnawing, growling
Full force
****** feast
The is my
Mental disease

Why was I Cursed
With these emotions
Having to feel every emotion
So deeply
Making me weak
In so many ways
Loving anyone ends up
In pain, heartache
That rocks me to the core
Makes me sore
Wears me down
Cuts me deep
I actually wish
It wasnt true
Because now
Im stressed
Pushed me
To the point
Were I wish I could care less
Find some drugs
Help dull it
They work the best
God how I hate it
Because now Im a nervous wreck.

Thank you Eric for being my friend. YOu
Have taught me how it feels to be Have Real Love,
how it feels to have someone there for you
when you need them the most !you're taught me to love Jesus you taught me that people are all different and unique in their own ways and it's okay to love them just the way they are
with no judgement.
you've also taught me that being in love means you have to think about the other person before you think about yourself! for example you think about the things that you're lover wants and you get them those things. for you thinking  about what they want
Makes you happy
you tell me that people struggle but having people that trust you is very important because without having trust without having the ability to believe in someone fully you are nothing you're not worth anything and you are worthless as a person
you have to actually give your word and have it mean something in order for you to completely give yourself to the other person I trust you with my life you are my best friend you never give up on me
.
you never stay mad at me.
I know it's because you have Jesus! you are the reason I have more faith! The reason  I seek the Lord if it wasn't for you I probably would be dead!!! I have heard so many things about people saying that you are crazy maniac and that you would **** me in a heartbeat
You might hurt me
but you have never done that besides the words verbal abase.
But that's yours only defense
Against
Me because that's your only  way of hurting me and you know that it does that exactly you. But most the time I do deserve it Cuz im not the easiest person sometimes im stubborn and selfish and rude and ******.. And you put up with until you can't anymore then You (Man handle the situation and put me in my place ("slap in the face")  * IM IN A REALITY CHECK .
I say sorry

Eric the amazing
Your so extremely
amazing, caring, selfless, worthy

You are a Angel that is Heaven sent a gift from God
you are a perfect example of what God meant when he said he would find me someone that would teach me how to be a better person. if I wanted to be that better person grab hold and stop messing around
Sto running.
I want to be a better person
you make me a better person!
I honestly am glad to call you my friend, my best friend, my lover, the love of my life and my guardian angel you might not ever read this but least I got it out in the open no lies just me telling it like it is!

It seems like my mind is finally back in control
Like I figured out I don't need that filthy drugs in my life anymore
The reasons I've had to throw my life
Away have become pitiful and selfish
I have been seeking my high power
And He has shown me
That I have the power in my mind and with his guidance
I the strength to say no more
I want to better myself everyday
And maybe soon I will have the courage to make contact with the
Right people and back to work on being a good mother and actually
Putting forth effort to get my youngest back in my life and maybe
Someday with the right support system Get to visit and see my other two baby girls as well as my son.

My love for you my dearest friend
Has been the only
Truth i know


Your smile
The  
Highlight of my day

my best friend
Always making sure
Im okay!

My struggle with addiction has not only caused damage and destruction in my personal life but in my childrens lives if not more so then mine.

My own fear of not being good enough or not being worthy of my children was my reasoning in the process of self sabotaging and giving up
I lost myself in the methamphetamines

That was the reality of my situation failure to provide the necessities and to protect the well being's of my children
  I ignored my childrens pain
I failed to notice their silent pleads for  Attention
That is where I now come to understand
The reason
Counseling is truely necessary
I want to overcome this weakness
This fear ..
THE ONLY REASON I
Still have faith I can overcome and succeed is
Because
Jesus gave me the strength to
Overcome my fears.

I WILL SOMEDAY HAVE  RELATIONSHIPS with my children

Maybe not in the near future but someday and that is good enough for me to continue to put forth effort in improving my situation every day

Stepping on toes
Walking around blocks
Twisting and turning
Untying the box
Uncovering the truth

At all costs
Stop hiding the answers

Buried deep down in your memory


Are layers of pain

Filled in a suitcase and lockedaway


Wander the path that leads to the place
Where people go
To wipe the slate clean and start
Anew


The best beginnings start
When you close that door
And have faith again

Emotional overload destruction, malfunction  
The wall that I built
Is starting to crumble
So much pressure
I can't hold it in much longer I just want to scream on the top of the Mountain as loud as can be

To the homeless man walking on Street
I pray for you
I hope you have something to eat
A place that is warm for you to lay your head
An  maybe even new socks so your feet arent cold when you go to bed
I hope that you are filled with God's grace I hope that you have a smile on your face I know it can be hard when life gets you down but know that everybody sometimes has a frown
I know sometimes you think that I don't understand this place that you're in but you are wrong I've been there to and it is hard sometimes u need give it time it'll be alright things get better

Respect thy self
Know your worth it
Don't let anyone
Walk on you
Love with all your heart
Don't give up
Pray
Breathe

In this war
   With my inner demons
I fight just to have Space in my own
Head for a few seconds
is difficult to find
Myself..
This fear
This torture
I hide my face

Ashamed at my
Disgrace
I fear
Im drowning
But it seems
No one
Cares to save me
Im lost


This deep addiction
My self infliction
My own worse enemy

Treading thru troubled water
With dangerous tides
My heart feels like quicksand
And I can't swim
Looks like the demon strikes again.

She cries crimson tears
The sadness tortures her
    every thought
Its like a knife stabbing
  Her over and over
   A mother without
   The babies she bore
Is a devastating destruction
That kills her very slow!