The night carried you away
like a river
it wasn't a dream
it was a flood
even the buzzards were sad
as I walked along the evening
I wanted you
to come out of the dark
into the dark
I kept my eyes open
for the port of your neck
it was so easy to bruise
with its vessels
blue as the earth
and then the dam broke
like my voice
but not your spell
and when the moon came up
they took you away in a hearse
I double-crossed myself
with the holy water of your eyes.

She's bleeding, she's bleeding, she's hurt
She has been kicked out, spitted on, and thrown in the dirt
She's bleeding, she's bleeding, you don't know how she feels
She has slit her wrist and overdose on some pills
She bleeds from the inside out
She's been feeling like this for most of her life and wants to die, she has no doubts
She bleeds as she wipes the tears from her eyes
She lays on the bed waiting to die
She's bleeding, she's bleeding, only if it could stop
But it's too late, her eyes roll back and off the bed she drops

Walking continually in the rain of desperation
Drowning in the flood of my dire situation

Mired in my grief by the muddy suction
Shackled in barbed wire chains of my self destruction

Watching the Wind's of Change, bring life's next squall
Surrounding me, protecting me, is my wailing wall

As the Sand's of time unmercifully does it's eroding
Agonizing memories, the darkness keeps exposing

Thoughts start to spin, start to twist and contort
Demons there to greet me, in my mind they love to consort

Struggling with all my might, still doesn't help, I am stuck
Sinking, I'm getting enveloped by life's gooey muck

Slowly submerging in suicidal quicksand, seeking only peace
Depression sinks in it's sharp teeth, for death is release

©Pauline Russell

I'm scrambling trying to find the pieces
And I would like to say a few things
1)  I'm sorry
I start to see the fear of what made me
What made me will break me
I carry this familiarity like a knife to my skin
And I'm scrambling to fill the bleeding holes with the very things that Caused them to bleed
I am thoroughly convinced I could destroy an entire city with my hands
Which brings me to point two
2) Don't take it personally if I stay three steps away when you come close
I'm a ticking tomb in a building that starts to burn when I crumble
My mind is the building
Every story
Every window
A part of the person I used to be
3) I don't want to die
I still can't figure out if the building is the people I love
Or if it's myself
But It  burns just the same
I don't want to die

Am I the only one that has their demons feasting upon their souls?
They say it is easy to tie a noose around your mind,
To overcome the urges and temptations of ending your life with a suicide
They don't know the true pain and torment that is going on in my head
An epic battle that leaves me with restless nights in bed
"End your life already" they say, as they prey on me during my weakest hours
Sometimes I give into the voices, carrying the sharp blade to my wrist
Crying as I struggle to mutter three powerful words that keeps me going
Choking on my sobs, my lungs deflate with a desire to say that God loves me
I try to convince myself that God is trying to test my faith
And to just wait, wait and wait
Then my Demons will eventually go AWAY.....



~Imperfect Desire **

i broke today.
i watched my bones shatter on the ground
and fall into a million pieces onto the floor.
as i stared at my breaking body,
i came to a realization.

the pieces that were one so beautifully sculpted
were deformed and
unfamiliar.
a distorted picture of who i once was.

i cried for the person who resonated
darkness in me,
staring
standing
still.

i will conquer and fix myself
someday
but for now
im okay with not being okay