Suicide is a crazy thing
Because once it’s in your mind it just continues to ring
No matter how long you ignore it for, or however long you look out the window for
He is just standing there, patiently waiting for you to open the door
It could be months, **** it can be years, he will always be there however long you ignore
Suicide has been knocking at my door for some time now, though it doesn’t seem that he is getting impatient
I’m sure it's because sooner or later he knows I will have to open the doors and let him in
Sometimes I open my window and have a talk with him
Talk to him about my day, about my struggles
He never responds though, just smiles back
I have to fight the urge every hour of my life just to simply not give in
It's getting harder day by day to keep that door closed
I’m sure it would be hard for anyone to keep away their only friend

I feel numb
People say they can help,
But they can’t
This feeling
I don’t know how to describe.
I hate
And I love it
It makes me feel free
It makes me feel nothing at all
I need a way to feel again.
I wonder how that can be done.
Cutting?
Burning?
Hitting?
Alcohol?
Drugs, maybe?
I just know that anyone of these would make me feel.
I need that
Even if I know that it’s wrong
I need to FEEL.
I need to feel my pain
My anger
My sorrow
My happiness
If i even have one.
I don’t care what I have to do to feel again.
I will do it.
People say that I shouldn’t do this.
I don’t care.

I'm scrambling trying to find the pieces
And I would like to say a few things
1)  I'm sorry
I start to see the fear of what made me
What made me will break me
I carry this familiarity like a knife to my skin
And I'm scrambling to fill the bleeding holes with the very things that Caused them to bleed
I am thoroughly convinced I could destroy an entire city with my hands
Which brings me to point two
2) Don't take it personally if I stay three steps away when you come close
I'm a ticking tomb in a building that starts to burn when I crumble
My mind is the building
Every story
Every window
A part of the person I used to be
3) I don't want to die
I still can't figure out if the building is the people I love
Or if it's myself
But It  burns just the same
I don't want to die

When I'm alone I shake, I push people away and I hide from the world because I'm afraid I'm going to brake.

When I'm alone I think. I think so much that when I try to remember what I was originally thinking about I can't.

When I'm alone I don't let anyone talk to me. Then I hate myself for being such a burden to them. Why am I like this? Talk to me.

When I'm alone I can't take a shower. Because that involves moving. Doing something I don't want to do.

When I'm alone for too long I shut down. I turn off my iPod so you can't talk to me. I turn off my tv. I turn off my lights as if that will turn off my brain and I lay there. Not moving. Not thinking. No emotion just.... Laying in the pitch black, a corpse that breathes.

When I'm alone it's like going through withdrawal. Doctor says therapy but I say I like being happy. It's worth the pain.

When I'm with you I forget about this. I'm happy, I'm laughing and talking. I am addicted to you. You are my drug.