I lost myself in the maze that is your affection
the more I explored the deeper the connection grew
You showed me such beautiful sights, such colorful sensations
I never wanted to leave
you were all I needed
your love could’ve kept me fed for centuries
Only when
I felt you metastasized all over my body
Did I notice the weight of pain
That came along loving you
Loving you was like getting caught in a spider web and I got caught at the first sight of you
Your love turned from heavenly to deadly in just seconds
when you gave me the look I’ll never forget
A look that spoke loudly than any word in any language could express
You metastasized all over me to the point there was nothing of me left
Just endless you
Only you

Not how I planned it
Not as I'd hoped
But better

Not the path we'd plotted
Not the course we charted
But higher

Not the story I'd written
Not the song I'd practiced
But oh,
it's been well told and well sung
and I've spent time with my Messiah.

He's given me another path.
A different gift.

Lost my soul
In my fight
To live my life
Keep the Soul
The only goal
Forgot to remind
Me every night

I keep hearing
About me from others
No introduction needed
My reputation ahead headed
Innocence lost its battle
Complex convinced it
That it was foolish

Education Job Marriage
Each  a seperate ambition
Every trick learnt
Played at the table
To keep it stable
Only then considered able

Bottom line is wealth
Properties and bank balances
Respect not in self
But how we project ourselves
Playing the part of a dog
Might as well bark
Where do I stand
Goal posts shifted
Conveniently on purpose
Still missing the mark
Price paid as the highest bidder
For many questions still  no answer

My teacher once asked “ What’s your definition of anxiety?”
Everyone around me raised their hand and I
I... lowered my head.
I wanted to raise my hand but anxiety told me not to
It told me not to because the popular girl in the front of the class
Surrounded by all her friends
Might laugh at a loser like me
I’m not a loser but anxiety makes me feel like i lose
In any situation that I’m in
So that makes me.. a loser.
Anxiety is me struggling to fit in all the places
I know i’ll never fit in at.
It’s me putting on my skin tight jeans with my converse
Because that’s what all the other girls are wearing.
Anxiety is me crying at 3 in the morning because the kid
I like won’t talk to me, even though I’ve never spoke to him.
I’ve never spoke to him because every time I walk up to him
My anxiety throws a rope around me and pulls me back
Saying you are not good enough for him
And I start to wonder if I am even good enough for myself.
Anxiety makes me wonder if i’ll ever be capable of loving someone
Because I can’t love myself the way I need to be loved.
And that makes me scared to love.
I deleted this poem 5 times because my anxiety told me
No one would read it.
“Anxiety is like a toddler.
It never stops talking and it
Always tell you, you’re wrong.
And it wakes you up at 3 a.m”
That is my definition of anxiety.