I have lost so much of myself because I have believed that I was and would always be the second choice.

Who was to tell me that my mind thought wrong or that my thinking was like drinking poison and expecting it not to slowly **** me.

Friends, family and even myself have given me proof that I am not even a choice to begin with.

I am not who I was
My mind and my body that were once separated
Are finally, finally stitching themselves together
It will take time and a lot of silk
But I will put in the effort
To become whole again

For me it was enough
Being able to breath in the same room
Sharing our presence
Was enough for me to cling to life.
Being the moth in your flame
Dancing through the pain
Burning in your sheer beauty was enough.

I am often told that i give up too quickly
But the answer is I never fully give in to begin with
I keep my admiration locked away like a precious jewel
All my love is just unsent postcards I keep in a packed suitcase.
I am afraid to give in to my heart
Because what if my heart is lying to me?
What if my heart is playing a cruel trick on me?
What if the nervous beating of my heart is just the roller coaster I have yet to leave.

What should I write today?
I have too many throughs,
Too many emotions I wish to share.
I am a broken pieces of moments that i long to relive
I have created myself from all the dreams I have yet to become.
In this room I try to write anything other than my heartbreak
But all I can think about is how my memories have been tainted by your disappearance.
I am a graveyard filled with the loss of people I once loved.
I am an unfinished sentence because I refuse to give up on other people that have already left.
My plees echo in the valley of my soul never to be answered.
I hunger for words that express my need for release.
I crave to finish the unfinished sentence of my life.
I demand to piece myself back together so I may become complete.

Like an uninvited guest I have stitched myself to you.
You never wanted my presence but here I am regardless
I am a friend you never wanted
But i have attached my self to you like a wild beast
Ripping and tearing at your skin below the surface.
The control I have over you weighs on your chest  
My claws dig into your lungs, slowly suffocating you.
I manipulate your memories and thoughts into my design
My creation,
My desire.
I feed off your fatigue and ruin all the good times that you never had
I build a barrier between you and the rest of the world
I lock you up and throw away the key
“Your in my head, you can't hurt me” I hear you cry out
Nevertheless I have concocted a potion that will send you spirelling
Locking you into the pit of overwhelming fear and self hating sadness
I am your worst nightmare and your closest friend
I am your anxiety.

I sit on the front porch of my naivety. I am too young to be this broken, my heart weeps from all my past days, but please I beg you don't misunderstand my words for an invitation to my apology. The door to my naive love has been left open by your departure and yet I cannot bring myself to close it behind you. I am frozen in a pit of empty numbness, I didn't expect you to leave your luggage of emotional damage at my feet. I only have space for my own luggage, this house built for one will collapse under the weight of your intrusion.