I tried to remember when I lost my mind.
But I cannot fathom a day without this empty static in my mind.
It pulsates in time with the beating of my heart.
I can hear the blood flowing in my veins, a constant hum that will run out in due time.
In due time.
The earth will break apart my body.
Flowers will burst through my rotting heart, will escape the prison of my ribs to reach the hazy sunlight.
The sunlight that will shine upon my bloated form.
The flowers will sway in the warm breeze, the air that will caress the worms in my skin.
I tried to remember when I found death terrifying.
But I cannot fathom this peace that radiates through me as I watch.
As I watch the earth reclaim me.

I can’t help but notice how you choke over the words,
While I hang the necklace around my throat to give you my very last breath.
Those unspoken words, hidden thoughts, corrupt meanings,
I saw the way you looked at her through the glassy binoculars, hazy with lust.
Lying next to you at night, please my dear, don’t fool yourself.
I can smell the roses and cream on your skin, alien to a weary traveler.
To dream of forever and taste the end, like salt and sulfur,
I pack my bags to climb the highest tower over the hill.
The hills shine with the morning dew,
Glistening like a thousand tears in the sun,
Warm and thick, spilling over the ground.
Here’s to one last night with you, my love,
Before darkness eclipses the valley.

My love,
Do you feel that ache, deep in your chest?
The feel of my roots twisting around your ribs, grasping at a home.
Did you know that I’m lost, in my mind?
The ambiguous definition of living, of life, tearing creases in my skin.
Are you aware that you’re holding my string?
Even though you’re gone, you hold my sanity, or what’s left of it.
Can you remember that night, under the stars?
You traced letters into my skin, forever branding me with your touch.
Has someone told you that I’ve gone missing?
I tried to retrace that memory, I tried to travel back when I felt alive.
Wouldn’t you just laugh at me now?
You told me that nothing lasts forever, importance is ignorance.
If you had the heart, would you warm me one last time?
Don’t you know, that metal is cold on my chest.
Will you do me one last favor?
Remember you will always be my only one.
My love.

The lights blazing in between the rail cars illuminated the surety of your words,
Tears glistening in your eyes, hanging on with your deep breaths.
I lost all sense of reality, falling as I sat in place, cemented within the gripping realization.
Dread pulled my lips together, sealing my final gasp.
Quivering limbs, jerky thoughts, hazy eyes.
To stumble through darkness, bright lights calling me home.
Rumbling ground, vibrating air.
I’m sorry, but can’t you see how I long to be?
No, my love, you wouldn’t understand.
Couldn’t comprehend the pressure that has built in my mind,
Like a thousand tiny gnats pushing to escape.
Scraping at the thin membrane of my brain,
The home to my home.
I lost track of all direction, intent on following the shining metal to my final destination.

I loved you for all the grace and beauty that was absent in the world.
Touched by the sunlight, kissed by the rain.
You danced with my soul and cherished every minute that swallowed up eternity.
I remember how you unfurled my veins and replaced my life with fire.
No longer was I ruled by biology’s hand.
You were my puppeteer, revealing another side of life, developed in your mind’s eye.
My love, how you threw me to the Heaven’s to sing with the stars,
To play with the Moon and marvel in her milky white beauty.
When I drifted back into your arms, your heartbeat animated me.
Your heartbeat revitalized me.
In that place between reality and childish dreams, I found a home.
I found a home in your mind, your heart, your very being.
Until we became one.

You were gone a year yesterday.
When people say it gets easier, I guess I just have to suppose I'm the anomaly, the outlier, the odd one out.
Because it doesn't get easier. In fact, it gets so much ******* harder. Where it takes every piece of willpower to patch that hole in my chest.
I know it gets bigger every single time I remember that I won't ever see you again. It gaps wider as that sly smile will never be shone again, and that mischievous laugh will never sing.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to bear seeing your face in photos, or if certain memories won't ******* me into a state of disrepair.
In this moment, I find it hard to breath as regret tears down my throat, adding to the mayhem in my mind.
But in Heaven, I know you're doing all right without me. Without us. Biding your time.
But it sure as hell is hard down here.
And here's to another late night, I hope the fish are biting.

When you tossed me into the galaxy to play with the stars,
I never considered the fact that you would not be there to catch me.
And so, I fell fast and hard, breaking this heart I thought was ours,
Crumpled I lay, staring into the white eye in the sky, who ignored my plea.

Off you ran, hand in hand, with your fantasies and dreams,
While I picked myself up, following after your careless shadow.
Through the sleepy town, down the dirt road, crossing the streams,
Night after night, I pictured you in my mind, and the way your eyes would glow.

I yearned for your laughter, your smile, your beautiful heart,
Wishing with my entire being you felt the same.
As days changed to months, the crack grew, drawing us further apart,
For the longest time, as obvious as it was, I didn’t know who to blame.

Confused, angry, hurt beyond words, I could hardly draw a breath,
As my lungs had collapsed over the hole where my heart used to be.
You had broken your promise and left me alone, all I could wish for was death,
Realization sunk into my bones and it was all I could see.

I dealt with this knowledge the only way I knew how,
Crimson soaking into the darkness that clouded my vision.
The center of my dreams you resided, the only place I saw you now,
Trying to forget you and everything we had was my hardest decision.

Success is at the end of this narrow tunnel, just out of my reach,
But one day, my first love, I will cease to think of you.
Your sixteenth birthday, or that day at the beach,
Spooning in bed, the perfect fit, laughing in the truck, and how we grew.

Against my wishes, this chapter of my life is ending,
I can feel it just as surely as I feel you leaking out of my soul.
Reluctantly tearing your roots from my being, I need to start mending,
I gave you everything I had, I never held back, and now I must crawl out of this hole.

One day I hope you find a love that I thought we had, perfect and perpetual,
Not a series of wanton adventures and endeavors, but something real.
Otherwise I fear you will die a very lonely man, surely it’s eventual,
Our time is over, this love is through, if only you knew how broken I feel.

My goodbye comes with warm wishes, one last kiss upon your cheek,
One last memory to reminisce, before I burn this to smoke and ashes.
Someday I will be able to pull you from the wreckage, and it will not be as bleak,
But until then, to rest I lay, forgiving your actions.