She poured
All the love
She didn't get from you
And gave you away freely
Into herself now.

I guess it is true
Some people
Come into our lives
To teach us unconditional love
While others are there
To teach us Self-love....

In a room full of people
I would be a nameless, faceless person,
just another face in the crowd
You wouldn't even notice.
and You would always be
the beacon of light
that draws me in.

They say
Denial is the first stage of grief
I think I'm going through it.
I still can't believe that
You are gone,
Just like that, Nana.
Growing up,
I have never known a home
That didn't have you.

I can't believe
that the next time I return
You won't be there,
Waiting for me
In your usual arm chair,
With a cherubic smile on your face,
When you see your granddaughter.

The last time I came home,
I was so afraid
of how much you remember,
if my face would even register,
And when I asked with hope and apprehension,
"Can you recognize me?"
You smiled like,
I had said the silliest thing in the world
and replied, "Why won't I recognize you?"

Home
will never be the same without you.
You used to be my North Star, my Superhero,
The one I always looked up to and was in awe of,
No one will ever match up
To your wisdom, your goodness.
It is like the brightest star
has been snuffed out from my life.
Now, who will I call Nana anymore?
Who will ever smile at me like you used to?

Wherever you are -
I hope you are in a better place,
Happier, healthier, and in peace.
I hope you can walk again in fields of meadows,
And breathe fresh air under the open sky.
I hope you get to eat your favorite dishes
and all the sweets you crave,
I hope where you are,
You can listen to your favorite music,
Read all the books you want,
And write all the stories,
You couldn't in this life.
I hope wherever you are,
You can still feel my love for you.

I will always look for you in the stars,
Love you and miss you forever, Nana.

Like a thief,
It sneaks upon you
Even on your good days.
Happy days,
Full of laughter & sunshine,
When nothing feels wrong
And everything feels right.
And you think you have moved on,
You're over it.
And just like that
It pulls you back,
Pulls you under,
Like nothing else matters,
And you'll always be stuck
In this black hole called grief.

She was the kind of girl
Who believed in
Fairytales, one true loves,
And happily ever afters.
But life had other plans for her.
Her rose-coloured lens were no more,
Nor was she ever destined
To get her own happily ever after.
And so she fell in love
With heartbreak instead.

You were ordinary,
Flawed, & imperfect.
I loved you,
Made a god out of you,
That was my sin,
And this grief
Is my penance.

You suit in my dreams
Better than in my reality
I hope our paths never cross
In this life -
I hope we never ever meet
Under the same sky,
For if we ever did
I would most likely
Turn away from you,
Cross the roads
To avoid you,
As if we were
Two strangers
That never met,
Because you suit
In my dreams better.

This world has never been
My wish granting factory
Not even once
I wonder about those people
Who are privileged enough
To get whatever they want in life
Without even praying for it once.

Someone once told me
That I like to
Indulge in sadness.
I had laughed
at the ridiculousness of the idea,
But now I am starting to think
Perhaps he wasn't so wrong -
I seem to have a tendency
To go out and seek pain
When there isn't one in my life
Because I get bored with happiness.

Sometimes
It's not the timing
It's not the distance
It's not the circumstances
But just the fault in our stars
That two hearts do not beat
The same way for each other
No matter how much you wish.
The stars never align for some of us.

Now I know
How to live without you,
How not to look for you
Even in my dreams,
Or mistake a stranger
On the streets for you.

Now I know
How to hold myself back
And not reach out to you,
Even when my heart is screaming for you.

Now I know
Just how to be fine
Without you.

It was the most selfish kind of love
She ever felt-
The kind that made her forget
The line between right and wrong.
The kind where she wouldn't hesitate
To burn the whole world
If it meant she gets to be with him.
The kind where she didn't care
For anything or anyone else.
Period.
And it took her ages to learn
That what she felt for him was
Toxic, madness, obsession, unhealthy-
That it was anything -
But love.

You don't really miss the past,
You miss the oblivion -
When you used to see
The world through rose-tinted glass,
And not know how
Callous and indifferent it actually is,
Before pain found a way into your heart
And never left,
Before you had your first taste of grief
And knew the price of love is too much,
And some scars are forever
And time doesn't do **** to heal.
You don't miss the past
But just its oblivion.

You are too good
To be someone's second choice
An option,
A backup plan,
An indecision,
A 3 am call.

Choose people
Who choose you,
Who celebrate you,
Who prioritize you
Every day.

I miss you
in words,
in dreams,
in memories,
in thoughts,
in feelings,
but never
in my life.

When a hope dies, maybe somewhere out there a universe dies too, cause the world you imagined will never get to be, and of course, it's going to hurt a lot. But that's okay. Because some things are better in fantasies than reality.

I no longer fall for words
I don't even trust actions
What I see is your consistency.

I no longer am the gullible young girl
Who would fall for excuses
I only care for and appreciate your efforts.

I may be a giver
But no longer a fool
To serve only those
Who knows to take.

I know my self-worth.
And will leave without any drama,
When I find your words are
Nothing but empty promises.

It is scary
how fast some people change these days-
faster than the blink of an eye
or the speed of lightning.
One moment
they seem completely enchanted by you
and the next they ghost you
when it is no longer convenient for them.
And yet people in my life wonder
why do I keep my guard up so high
and prefer to keep my solitude
instead of wolves in sheep's disguise.

I think I still have a lot
To learn from life
Like how to be kind to others & myself,
When the world around me
Feels so cold and brutal,
Like how to thank the universe
For gifting me darkness
When I was only looking for light.

I guess I am still
A work in progress.

You see her laughter,
The sparkle in her eyes,
Full of mirth and life,
But
You haven't
Seen her tears,
Clutching at darkness,
At her lowest,
Screaming
In the silence of the night
And swallowing
A thousand more screams inside.
You see her gentleness
In a world full of indifference,
You haven't seen her grieving,
Clawing at her bruised heart,
Demons battling in her head
And monsters reigning in her heart
As all hopes turned to dust.
You see her whole,
But you don't see
The scars in her soul
Where light enters
And makes her shine
Like a Phoenix
Reborn from the ashes.

I had this epiphany today-
Toxicity still flows in my veins,
I inherited it from you.
I didn't think I still had it in me -
But I still search for you,
Unknowingly, unintentionally
In everyone I meet,
Whether in physical resemblance
Or emotional negligence.
I seem to be unable to break free
Of this vicious cycle.
It is true
No one will ever break me
The way you did,
But still
I would rather not repeat history.

My heart survived you,
Now, it can survive
All the storms
All the apocalypses in this world,
It knows this much.
But it is still not invincible.

Dear Life,
No way in hell
You are going to send me back
To the hell I crawled my way through
No matter how many times you try
You will always fail
Because you only get one chance
To break a heart that is whole...

Let's burn all the bridges,
Shall we?
So that there is nothing left
Anymore between us
No hope,
No way,
No chance,
That leads us back to each other
So that we cannot
Break each other anymore.

It is not that
I am not loved.
I know it in my heart.
I feel it in my veins.
Love overflows in abundance
in many forms in my life
Yet my heart is eternally
starved of it.
It started with him-
This affliction of never-ending yearning
That has no cure or respite
And somehow all the love in the world
Is not enough to fill this black hole
That he left behind.

What do you call a heart
That is tired
Of trying too much,
Too many times
And still breaking
Over and over again?
There must be a term for it....

If I can live without you
I can live without anyone else
This much this heart has learnt
This much this heart knows
If it's not you
What does it matter
If it's no one else?

I feel drawn
Towards you
Unintentionally,
Without wanting to.


In a world
Full of chaos,
You are the only "sukoon"
My heart has ever known.

Ps. Sukoon is an urdu word meaning peace

What is not written in the stars
No matter how much tears you shed
How many prayers you utter
How much love you give
How much grief you hold inside
How many efforts you put
How can it ever be yours,
If it's not meant to be?

Once a fool
Always a fool...

All the pain
Somehow
Finds its way
Back to you.

I wish
I could
Find a way
Out of this
Labyrinth of suffering.

The mess you left behind
Years ago
I am still trying
To sort it out.
The pieces you left behind
I am still trying
To put them back together.

You will never know
What I became
Because of you.
The aftermath of your destruction
Never seems to
Leave me alone.

I never thought
I'd ever die
This way again
Watching someone
Who isn't you
Love another one.
I never thought
Love could **** me.
Twice.

Sometimes I see
People who no longer write,
I hope
They have healed,
Moved on,
And found some kind of closure,
Cause I think
Only the broken ones
Bleed poetry.

Maybe she was born
With a heart
Forever meant to pine
After things
Never meant to be...

If I loved you once,
some part of me
will always love you,
in one form or another,
No matter why
it never worked out
between us,
No matter who
we're with,
No matter how many miles
we're apart,
You will always have
a piece of me-
This is your gift.
This is my curse.

I hate the power
you hold over me
even when you're not there.
The way you affect me
in all the worst ways.
The way this love
consumes me
like no other feeling.
The way my own
heart betrays me
and chooses you,
every time.
But most of all -
I hate the way
I love you
when I know
I absolutely should not.

Of all the people
I have loved and lost
You are the one
I remember the most.

I still get the self-destructive urges
To reconnect with people
Who have walked away from me
In some unknown, inexplicable, wild hope
That they will be able to give back to me
The pieces of me they have taken with them,
Not realizing that not all things lost - are a loss.

Do you ever wish
that life had given you
some other pain
instead of the ones it handed you?
Do you think
it would have made any difference?
Would you still then be you
or someone else?

Do you ever wonder
What happens to the dreams that do not come true,
The desires that remain unfulfilled
In this finite life
Even though you poured your heart and soul
To make them yours?
It is best to accept
Somethings just aren't meant to be and move on.
Or may be somewhere out there
There are countless other universes,
Where there exists a different version of ourselves,
Where those dreams didn't die
Nor those wishes remained unfulfilled.
May be it is just all in my head
But I find comfort
In this idea of parallel universes.

If wishes had the power
to manifest
then you would be mine
in every lifetime
in every timeline
in every universe.
but alas,
wishes are
a dime a dozen
and the world is not
a wish granting factory.

Do you know what it feels like?
To have the earth removed
from beneath your feet?
To have the entire sky
fall apart on you?
To have the world stop existing
and you are just hanging barely
by a thread to absolute nothingness?

That is what it felt like
the moment you mentioned
of her existence.

It was like -
the whole world became
a mighty stranger
and it was never
the same way as before.