I saw myself die
In the way that you want her.
When I thought that I had you,
I was suffocating.
If I stayed and waited
And gave and pretended,
I made believe you would come to me.
But I want to be wanted.
All I was
Was used.
A tool, for now.
But nothing mattered.
She gets your heartache
And she gets your longing,
Your reverence, and sweetness.
I didn't know what I was missing.
I didn't know what was possible
Until I saw you in her arms.
I want to be wanted.
I fell for my own illusions
And let myself think
That right now was enough,
When what I wanted was forever.
What I wanted was a partner.
I want to be wanted,
But you don't want me.

I never loved me
But loved you til I forgot
How to hate myself

Smoke across knuckles
You are my private delight
I will breathe you deep

Fire and red hot
Smoke you down to the filter
Please, won't you burn me?

Full of riches,
Full of hearts.
Trust:  a commodity
So easily traded
For what was never promised.
A kiss like death,
A millstone carried
For no reward but
My own
Self-destructive
Satisfaction.
How deliciously
I cut and seared
My own flesh,
Savoring
Each flaying stroke.
How beautifully
My body twisted
To fit the tale
I wished were true.
Wounds still fresh
From the biting needle
That tattooed the lie
On my desperate
Wanting soul.

There's a movie playing in the background
While I scroll through the perfect words
Someone else has written.
Woven together on a string,
A necklace I wish I wore.
An anchor to hold me in place.
A weight that I've been carrying,
But couldn't see
Until someone showed me it was there.

The scenes in the movie echo my imaginings
For a love I don't own,
For a life I only have
In those moments just before I wake.
Sweet seconds when my eyes
Are closed tight.

Hot tears tumble down.
No longer floating on a daydream,
I crash back to a reality of jagged truths
That only draws more grief
From a place I begged my heart
To hide from me.

But I chose the movie
And I chose the words
To distract me and tether me
To anything but the thought of you.
And what I want.
And what I don't have.
And what I can't have.

Still here I am,
Drowning in my loneliness,
In a fantasy I should let go of
Before it drags me beneath the violent sea.

I'm searching for a way to love you
That honors how I should love myself.
Confronted with the distressing thought
That I would lift you above the waves
While I let myself sink deeper.

Some part of me screams,
"That's how it should be!"
So the salt dries on my cheeks.
And the movie keeps playing.
And I keep scrolling.
Pushing myself away,
Forgetting to take a breath.

Green, the dream-giver.
Through thickest smoke: clarity,
creativity.