I realized today I have stopped,
stopped living life,
I'm literally just just trying to,
get to the next day,
just living in the thought of tomorrow,
I'm not living,
I'm waiting,
And the trouble is,
I don't know what I'm,
exactly waiting for,
I'm kinda scared,
for what is might be..

I know this is a place for poems, but I believe the 22nd will be my last day on here for awhile..

A cold sharp razor

touching soft pale skin

I breaks it. Pooling blood

Like a volcano slowly erupting

Red and brow stains the pale

The pale smooth skin

It stains my hands and thigh

I keep going deeper and deeper

Relief washes over my body

The thoughts slowly disappearing

Its like I can breathe again

I take a gulp of fresh air

It fills my lungs

As if I am no longer drowning

She saved me in her phone
As "bestie"
But I had her screaming "Ohh"
yo girl wasn't suppose to text me,
If you wanna know how I know what I know!!

We cut into our skin,
Because,
We are angry,
We are sad,
We are hurting,
We are trying to hide it,
We are lost,
We are broken,
We cut into our skin because we want to feel the scars we feel on the inside,
We want to have proof that we are still alive,
We cut into our skin because we are lost for words and we were left alone,
We cut into our skin because it's all that is left,
We are done, looking for a better way,
We don't talk about "it",
Because we don't trust anymore,
We cut into our skin because it's all we know.

I just felt everything crash,
I just felt like I died but still having to stay on Earth,
Ugh

You can't take her away from me,
She is part of me,
I would die,
Mentally,
Physically,
Emotionally,
She is my world,
My sweetheart,
My baby,
My babe,
My babygirl,
My everything,
My Future wife,
Please,
Please,
Stay with me,
Don't let them take you,
Away from me..

She is slowly,
Slow slipping away,
And there for I,
I am slowly dying,
They are slowly taking her away,
Yet she don't see it,
Me seeing her,
Her cry kills me,
Because I could,
Could brake into tears,
As well but,
I have to stay strong for her,
I love you,
And I'm sorry..

I was so close,
Last night,
And you stopped me,
Why?

Do you hate me,
That ******* much,
I'm hurting,
Broken,
Disgusted with myself,
Sick in many ways,

I don't see why you,
Insist to keep me here,
Let me go,
I know it'll hurt,
But let me go,
Because one big thing is,

I don't want to be here without you,
I told you that,
Yet I am,
So let me go away,
To another place,
And just stay there,
For a good bit,
We will meet up someday.

My Feelings?
oh, don't
worry about them
no one
else ever does.

Sitting here,
Here alone,
Alone crying,
Crying my eyes out,
My eyes out because i'm loosing,
Loosing Myself,
Myself because i'm lost,
Lost because you are gone,
You are gone because you had to go,
You had to go, but now,
Now I want to go too,
To go with you,
With you, So tell me,
Tell me my sides,
My side, my thighs,
My thighs, my wrist,
My wrist will that,
Will that end it,
End it to where I can,
I can go with you,
With you up there,
So tell me?

Once there was a broken girl,
That fell for a sweet girl,
And she became her sun, her light, her everything,
And the flower on earth,
She loved her more then every grain of sand,
Her favorite books,
Lazy Sundays,
Baggy sweaters,
And even more then all the scars on her body,
But nothing last forever,
And she left her,
Like everyone else,
The girl then learned,
You must love yourself first,
Because your happiness,
Can not rely on other people,
Because as quickly as they come,
They go don't let them fool you,
There once was a broken girl,
That fell for a sweet girl,
And she took he sun, her light, her everything..

"I'm saying you need to find your happiness."
she said..

"You were my ******* happiness"
I replied..

"Were..."*
she said..

"That's because there is NO US and that was my happiness so I guess this is me until I die.."*
I replied..

Your lips so soft and red,
the thought of kissing you is stuck in my head.
Your beauty so bright and warm,
shinning through the darkest storm.
Your eyes sparkle like stars in the night sky,
when I stare into them I feel like I am soaring high.
My love for you is pure and true,
I never stop thinking of you.
The sound of your voice saying "I love you" makes my heart pound
because I knew I'd truly found my one and only.
I promise to love you for every moment of forever
and when everything else crumbles, I will never.
I am your armor to protect you from harm,
like you are to me, a lucky charm.
For you are my heart, my soul,
baby you are my whole world.

Living with depression
is like watching people around you
breathing but instead.

Your blue lips inhale
words of self-hatred
and you know you should
be able to fill
you lungs
with fresh oxygen
like everyone else.

but you can't.

And the worst part is
people mistake your chest
frantically rising up and down
as breathing
when really you're
suffocating.

did you eat today
sure I did, I ate plenty
of lonely with a side
of regret and a
sprinkling of pure
sadness and for
dinner I ate my
tears and I watched
my blood eat me
alive and suddenly
I wasn't so hungry
anymore..

At the age of 2 I wanted to be a cop,
At the age of 4 I wanted to be a rock star,
At the age of 6 I wanted to be a doctor,
At the age of 8 I wanted to be a vet,
At the age of 10 I wanted to be a writer,
At the age of 12 I wanted to be a chief,
At the age of 14 I want to die.



The thing is,
At the age 2 I wanted to be a cop,
At the age 4 I was messed with,
At the age 5 I was still messed with so I cut,
At the age 6 I was still messed with so I cut,
At the age 7 I was still messed with so I tried to overdose,
At the age 8 he got what h wanted so I tried to **** myself and it almost worked I was in the hospital for 2 weeks.
At the age 9 I still want to be dead,
At the age 10 I get forced into it again, and end up having a miscarriage,
At the age 11 I am broken from loosing a baby I carried for 5 months,
At the age 12 I tried to **** myself again,
At the age 13 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety,
At the age 14 I am here, giving up, now had two miscarriages, and I'm broken, still cutting, wanting to overdose everyday, but now has a girl that means the world to me, She and my Nephew and baby brother is the only reason I'm still on this place you call Earth.

Scars on my hips,
Scars on my thighs,
Eyes full of hurt,
And mouth full of lies..

Realizing that you're worth it..
Experiencing real happiness..
Caring about yourself..
Over coming your own demons..
Validating your worth..
Eating without regret..
Relapse- it's going to happen, it's inevitable and that's okay..
Yearning to live..

I'm not sure if we each have a destiny or  if we are just all floating around accidental like a breeze.

I seem happy, right?
You see no cuts on my wrist,
Only the smile on my lips,
You hear me laugh, you see me smile,

But did you take time to look in my eyes?
Did you see the emptiness, the darkness?
Did you check my hips?
Darling, if only you opened your eyes, you could see,
I was dying inside..

She's only 17, her whole life's ahead of her
She hates school because the people there discredit her
Her boyfriend tries to show her that's not how it seems
But every day she just gets lowered with her self-esteem
He lets her know that every night will have a brighter day
She even tried to overdose and take her life away
She's feeling hopeless there just sitting down beside her bed
And then he takes his hand and places it beside her head
He tries to hold her, but with every touch she still resists
And then he sees the scars that bury deep within her wrists
She's feeling numb, he starts to beg and plead and ask her why
She says this way she has control of pain she feels inside
He's asking her, "How long it's going since you've felt this way?
Because you've got me here just feeling so **** helpless"
She says, "It's been a while; I guess I needed better luck
And then he screams at her and tells her, "Baby, never cut!"
Nobody seems to get you, you feel you're on your own
But listen, pretty lady, you don't have to be alone
So baby, don't cut, baby, don't cut
You can do anything, just promise, baby, you won't cut
I know your heart is hurting, you think the road has end
You may just feel that blade you're holding is your only friend
But baby, don't cut, baby, don't cut
You can do anything, just promise, baby, you won't cut
The next day at school she's feeling better than the day before
Even cracked a couple smiles as she walked the corridor
But all that seemed to end, she dropped her books as she went into class. And every student in the room just seemed to point and laugh
She couldn't take it anymore, she sent her boy a text
It said, "I love you with my body, heart and soul to death"
He thought nothing, typed "I love you"; then he sent it
By death he didn't know that she had literally just meant it
She ducked the next class, ran home into her bathroom
Thought to herself she wouldn't brake her promise that soon
One cut... two cuts... three cuts... four
The blood just started dripping from the tub to the floor
Her boyfriend had a feeling in his stomach that he hated
He followed it and ran down to her house, he never waited
The front door was open, he heard the water running
He stormed into the bathroom, and his heart just started gunning
He puts her arm around his shoulder, he's trying to lean her back up
Yelling out her name as he lays her beside the bathtub
He feels his whole world just took a hit from a big avalanche
Screaming out so heavily, "Somebody call an ambulance!"
Felling mad angry, like somebody's led her on to this
Her eyeballs are rolling, drifting out of consciousness
Thinking to himself "Why the hell didn't she stop at will?"
The tears just keep on rolling as they head to the hospital
Paramedics rush her in, doctor calls emergency
She's lost a lot of blood, the place looks like a ****** scene
An hour later, the doc walks in with a sour face
And says, "Excuse me for the words that I'm about to say
I'm sorry for your loss," the boy just starts collapsing
His own world, his own girl just took a crashing
Saying to himself that it's his fault and that he let it up
Baby, I thought you promised you would never cut...

I'm So fed up,
People always telling me,
I'm a sin,
That it's wrong I love a girl,
It's wrong I am able to go to bed at night happy,
It's so wrong,
And that I am going to hell,
What If
It was wrong that you were  boy that loved a girl,
Or a girl that loved a boy,
How could you go to sleep at night happy,
You're a sin,
You're going to hell,
That's nasty,
But
Yet, I sit back,
And Let you love,
Is it that bad?
Because I promise,
I'll take going to hell,
Over this girl..

Loosing you,
Has now became my worst fear,
Yet I still don't see why they hate me,
You're my world and its as simple,
As 1. 2. 3.
But yet I'm loosing you.

Sometimes,
It's better to keep silent,
Than to tell others what you feel,
Because,
It hurts badly when you come to know that,
They can hear you,
But can not understand.

I don't want to be here..
I don't want to be alive,
I don't want to feel anymore,
I don't want to cry anymore,
I don't want to smile anymore,
I don't want to be here,
But
I'm going to be here,
I'm going to be alive,
I'm going to feel,
I'm going to cry,
I'm going to smile,
I'm going to be here,
For one person and one thing from her,
For my world as I refer to Leah,
And the one thing is for her to love me..

I felt so happy for a while,
I finally felt okay,
But why did I believe I was getting better,
When I knew that I would sink right back into my usual self,
I am bad again,
I am worse then before,
And any hope that I had left,
Is gone.

I will always care for you,
Even if we're not together,
And even if we're far,
Far away from each other,

You probably don't understand,
Most people don't,
You will never understand,
How much anger,
How much self hatred,
Someone must have,
To take a razor to themselves,
And cut into their own skin..

>Last time I ate a full meal and kept it down: two days ago.

>Last time I cut: last night.

>Last time I took medicine I shouldn't of: two weeks ago.

>Last time I tried to end it all: Maybe a month ago?

>Last time I cried: Last night.

>Last attack: Last night.

>Last time I thought about suicide: 20 minutes ago?

>Last time I got angry:  *30 minutes ago?

If only walls could talk;
They'd tell you about me,
And how they hear me scream,
And watch me while I bleed.

If only walls could talk;
They'd tell you I was ******
Surprised that I'm not dead,
With a knife clutched to my hand.

If only walls could talk;
They'd tell you how I cry,
All the pain that's in my eyes,
That's eating me alive.

If only walls could talk;
They'd tell you to be strong,
To keep on moving on,
Long after I'm gone