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Avestani Jul 2020
Trying to overcome the feeling of being numb
Defaulting to indifference has left me acting in defense
Protecting myself from the pain with deflection and novacane min
Has left me with an unbalanced brain, will I ever know love again


I wonder why I seldom cry
Why roses for
Is God alive


Feeling myself run out of time I press rewind and then feel fine but in my mind I'm stressed, depressed, I've tried my best, and now need rest, been killing myself to pass a test, killing myself to press reset, I'm dodging death, with every breath, my heart is frozen, with regrets


My heart is beating like a drum
To feel alive I try to die
This venom enters numbs my tongue
I crave to see through open eyes
To find the truth in ignorance
They blind the youth with negligence
The ancients come and steal my breath
And turn it into excellence
The Golden Light out shines the sun
Catharsis of unspoken words
I feel myself go back in time
And wonder why we have to die
I wonder why the God's are still
As man kills Earth and drinks his fill
Why good men lie why bad men cry
Would all th we answers save my life


I wonder why I seldom cry
Why roses die
Is God alive


Feeling myself run out of time I press rewind and then feel fine but in my mind I'm stressed, depressed, I've tried my best, and now need rest, been killing myself to pass a test, killing myself to press reset, I'm dodging death, with every breath, my heart is frozen, with regrets


Cyclical thinking
Biblical drinking
If I pray to God will I one day feel fine
Or would he neglect a desperation of this kind
As I sink in the waters of my own device
Baptism of the most unfortunate kind
Relentlessly driven to seek the unknown
The words of the truth get stuck in my throat
The world turns to black
Then swiftly to grey
Darkness and light I guess balance is ok
If I had it my way
These lessons would change
I'd hide from the pain
But then in the end there would be nothing to gain


I am a pillar
Ancient and crumbling
Need restoration
Standing for something
Rooted in place
I'm defined by circumference
I am a pillar
I'm standing for something
Falling to nothing
Been bested by time
Clinging to concepts
It's all in my mind

Feeling myself run out of time I press rewind and then feel fine but in my mind I'm stressed, depressed, I've tried my best, and now need rest, been killing myself to pass a test, killing myself to press reset, I'm dodging death, with every breath, my heart is frozen, with regrets, but growth is painful, I accept, and let it go, for peace to set
Avestani Jul 2020
Torturing myself with memories of the past
I seek to understand what I hid behind my mask
And all my good intentions bore no fruit, they didn't last
I'm hear to learn my lessons from a class I didn't pass


Over and over I'm playing the tape through
To learn all my patterns and see why I hate you,
I hate me
Projecting my failure, my anger, mistrust
Watching my lies turn my future to dust
Pushing myself till I'm over the edge, but I don't touch the ground
I'm falling and screaming but don't make a sound
The depths of my madness is where I will drown
Only in chaos will answers be found
Only through breaking will I be unbound
Only in silence will I hear the sound


I see myself, a product of wasted potential, an addict to the tragic, a pinnacle of pain
These moments I've been through have rewired my brain.
Im happy then sad, forget what feels normal and fearful of knowing true peace with myself
Expecting the worst
Seeking acceptance from others in place of my own
If they knew what I knew, then they'd hate me too.
I'm awesome but ****, worth loving but easy to hate
I'm honest and peaceful but just for today,
I bounce off the walls, can't get out if bed
I'm praying for answers to take me right out of my head


They speak to me.


All the distractions will take you from soul
All of the money will not make you whole
The gifts of the past pave a way for the future and all of the demons we fear live on earth
Poisoning children addicted from birth
Models and beauty corrupt their self worth
Men on a mission to strip all the Earth of her essence
We struggle to live and then burn out like stars on the weekend
Do you love what you do?
Avestani Jul 2020
Oblivious to the yearning, you're frozen in time
Stagnant emotions, settling in your mind
Holding the burden, you're testing your strength
I know you're hurting and holding your breath


I, believe
You're worthy of catharsis
Your destiny is bliss
All the things you've suffered have made you into this
Pain was the water, you've drowned in the rain
Loss was the sunlight, that burnt your smile away


From all the ashes you will rise again
A flower is blooming from seeds in your head
I know that you're shaken, I know that you're scared
Change is always coming. I know that you're prepared


I've watched as you've been growing,
And I've watched you conquer fear,
As you turn all your shame into passionate flames
As you let go of blame, and moved on from the pain, If you saw yourself through the mirrors of my eyes
The beauty, the glory, of your strength, would make you cry


I see potential between all the lies
I see the angels in devils disguise
Don't know the past, I don't know where you're from
Can't promise you a paradise, a garden of eden


I'm not a savior and you're not a nun
You're growth will be painful
If you need I'll come.
Avestani Jul 2020
The potential of disaster or perfect collision
Did we lose sight of the original mission
Are distance and status creating division?
Confidence wavers at the moment of decision
Hesitant to feel, give into the flow of unspoken words that seldom hold the feeling behind verbal contact, lost passion on the wind drifting off from our tongues and our eyes, watch the hands, does the longing drive you mad, sure of the reception knowing you'll be accepted, but both cowards at the apex not willing to indulge ourselves in the most harmless of risks, a moment, a loss, a potential bliss, knowing our worth, knowing each other, exchanging emotions as we find ourselves within each other's range but like magnets the attraction leads to repulsion, fueled by conceptual barriers constructed by the filth of the physical, calamity of humanity a fickle mind and frozen heart so much so that eagerness for light and love is masked by fear of pain and past, like walls that form between our dreams that petrify reality, the game is played until its done, until time has won, and we've never begun, but oh we dreamed of it with clarity, the love we'd have, if we were free, like the animals we are, induldging in carnality and hedonism, reject the will of civilization, concepts formed to dominate, put man above man, we could see the boundaries between us rent apart nothing more than empty words hinging on empty thoughts that mean nothing to the energy between us, a million reasons, a thousand rejections, thought if cards played right could be perfection, to bet some time, a move of faith, we could separate from the conscious of man, the weakness and lies it brings, accept the will of the spirits, immersed in the universe, heeding the call of nature we locked away in our own man made order, heeding spirits with wisdom beyond any man, creature, or beast, and see if our love was something God planned.
Avestani Feb 2020
Calling out, I hear her name now
Falling now, I've never even seen the ground
Trust in sound, the truth could never persuade
Hear me now, I'll never seek to replace you

I can see her messy hair in my nightmare
An angels smile and piercing eyes, this fear is not fair
I've given love, I've given lies, I've given blank stares
I've broke inside, and cannot hide, that I don't care
I've been living, breathing constant calamities
Existant on the false notion that we are born free
The leaky faucet always seems to undermine my speech
I'm sideways drifting in a system come and follow me

It's in my mind playing over and over
She's my best card and so I know I gotta hold her
The perfect moment always seems like a fantasy
A slave to my own misconceptions guess I can't be free
Slowly the moon comes in and chokes out the sun
I'm so out of touch with reason that I've lost my love
Making memories of self inflicted verbal warfare
I'm addicted to this substance and I can't care
Empty hallways make me revisit my childhood
And empty feelings all I find when I should feel good
I'm slowly making my way into a revival
I guess I knew that all along
I'd have to die first

I can see her messy hair in my nightmares,
Blackest eyes like soulless voids give me a scalding glare,
Torn asunder is the room that she would meet me
Her every word a hate fueled curse made to defeat me
I'm a lion in the pit of her anotomy
She got this rope around my neck and swears to God I'm free
It's copacetic all the torture that we give ourselves
Recite the mantras, karma sutra, what's your mental health?

I'm down with the dirt but youre trying to bury me
Can't stop this sin-seeking self fullfilled prophecy
Dabbling mystic
I'm channeling spirits
Fueled by the desperate, I give up my last breath, please read all my subtext, forshadowing what's next, we lean on the substance to balance our morals and rewrite our systems to claim holy laurels
I'm testing it,
Invest in it,
I can't wait, to lay to rest in it
Testing it
Invest in it
Testing it
Make it flip Make it flip OUT!
Avestani Jun 2019
Like a festering burrowing worm I took root
Deep in your mind where you reject the truth
Bending and breaking your soul evermore
Demonizing all the saints you adore
Riveting cracks that I lay down your spine
Tingling wisdom you think so divine
Murderous words that you think cannot guide
Youre in your own way and still you are mine
I was the plauge that had ravaged the lands of your mind
This ****** is mine
I'm swallowing time
Consuming what's mine

Holy demonic the darkest of light
Angels of mercy that free you from life
You cannot **** till your demon is known
Facing yourself and now where do you go
The sun and the moon and the planets that move
Puppets on strings as you dance to their tune
Always neglecting the infinite soul
Wishing to listen and do as your told

Tell me to help and I offer my hand
Only grip tight till the moment you stand
Now you are moving your feet on the ground
Follow your path and the truth will be found
Whispering sins that you've long left untold
Now your emerging a sight to behold
Beauty and blessing but you've just begun
The faceless are laughing when you hold your tongue
Who are the voices that refuel your doubt
Where is the evil that brought forth your drought
Carrying on you may search the abyss
There's nothing to find you think somethings amiss

Nothing to gain and nothing to lose
To only one person your faith you must prove
I've given a gift that I've given myself
And tell unto you I did not need this help
Begging and crying you seek me for more
Lessons on trying can be such a bore
Tell me what's wrong
Why don't you tell me?
I already know
Then that sets you free

You wish to become, a much better you
So who do you lean on when you cannot move
I am just not a main part of your strength
Will nor the hammer will leave me unbent
I burdened my sin and I tortured my soul
All in the end just to see I am whole
All of my secrets you think I have told
All of my secrets to me are unknown
Where is the wisdom I've gifted myself
Where is the God you think spared me the belt
Where is the power you seek here on Earth
When you're alone and buried in dirt

I say that you have it
You ask me then where
I say that you have it
You freeze and you stare
I say you beg God's and spirits divine
To come down to earth and give you their time
They gave us all gifts we seal in our minds
I'm certain of yours but you're longing for mine
I say you are broken
I say you are fine
I say you are lonely
Now make up your mind
I say you're not perfect
But surely you've grown
Now prove to yourself that you sit on the throne
Avestani Mar 2019
Gratitude to the ones who taught me
Many thanks to the powers above
So long I've dabbled with the ones below
So long I've searched for the one who knows me

Physical inventions cause me to not mention the motive the reason the world I believe in
The here and the now
The land left unseen
Bridging the gap to say what I mean
To say what I've seen
To tell you a story that sounds like a dream
Knowing the voices in my head are fiends
Saving myself by silencing screams
Saving myself by killing what's me

Tell no one the things you know
Speak violence and mayhem and slaughter, despair
Burning your heart out and living in fear
Drowning that fear in the anger and lust
You cannot help but search blindly for trust.
Guidance is light but you were born blind
Searching for secrets and seeking divines
Hang from your noose that you've woven from vines
I cannot save you, your life is not mine

Lost in the chaos, I've guided myself
Only when my tongue is bleeding do these words my soul reflect, **** this life give me what's next, **** this life give me what's next
Lost in the chaos I've guided myself
Only when my tongue is bleeding do these words my soul reflect, **** this life give me what's next, **** this life give me what's next

Fill my tender heart with sin and bring my ego swift to death cut me down, relentless beating, strangle me then break my neck, **** my soul raw, fracture my jaw, tell me what I should expect, crack the system, mysticism, fortune favors those who bet

Suffocate my demons, clarify my reasons, say what you belive in, say you love the feeling, These words are revealing, no more double dealing, breaking through my ceiling, lacking human reason, never cared for kneeling, cycles are repeating, suffucate my demons, prove that I don't need em, prove that I don't need em, prove that I don't need em

Stop

Criss crossing the fabric
Stiching my woes
Grabbing at pieces
Now where do I go
You say there's a thesis
A method to insane
I say that I need it
You say I'll explain
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