i don't even know like where to start i mean im just very unhappy….. im not depressed or have issues im just not in the space that ive dreamed of and its like when someone asks whats wrong i feel like saying its everything….. but the ofcause we always say everything is fine……. like theres no highlight in my life right now

My life is Basically numb

I am not what you think I am.
Colourful, joyful, laughter and excitement.
I am dull, gloomy, serious and calm.
I do not find joy in loudness but in stillness I do.
I do not find pleasure in pleasing anyone because i cannot even please myself.
I am not picture perfect like you see me on pictures but i am raw, a mastering hideous perfectly formed flaw.
I do not have the perfect smile because real smiles do not exist in my real world.
My body is not what you imagined it to be because it is a skeleton out of it's closet.
I am not free as i may seem because i am trapped.  
I am trapped in the flamerous and distructive thoughts of mine that are beckering at what i have become.
I am so afraid of what i have become, i have become so poisenious to myself.
I have become so out of value , i was once a diamond and now i am gravel.
I am used as a road for growth for some and a road of example of an expired female to the rest.

I am done, i am a dead body with a soul trying to live but soon will be ready to take it's life.
There is really no other way to describe myself other than expired, disasterious and into ashes.
I am trying so hard to cleanse all my past, my wounds , my flaws but the more i cleanse them the bigger they fluster.
Maybe the scars of all the heartbreak i have been through has marked the outside of me.
Im fighting a  war with my inner self and outer self.
What is outside of me is building the monster in me.
The last time i checked what is in the inside brings what is from the outside but in my case it is the total opposite.


I feel like my past is haunting me and i see it in my reflection on the mirror.
Maybe this is a way of God's punishment to me.
For breaking all the laws he breaks my outer self inorder to break my inner self.
Day by day i destroy myself by impeckering at what i only succeed in which is my imperfections.
The burning gaze i receive from the monster that i see infront of my mirror lurching and mocking at my past written all over my imperfect body.
I am haunted, haunted by my thoughts, haunted by my feelings, haunted by my imperfection that is lingered by my haunting past that haunts my future.


Maybe this is what i was born for , i was born to be flawless in imperfection.
Maybe i was born to be seen as glorious but as soon as they get to know me they realise how into ashes i am.
I died, I died the day i lost my morals and i died the day i realised how i will never be good enough.
Not good enough for myself and most definetly not good enough for anyone.

I am alone once again.
I am alone yet i have so many people in my life.
But that's the thing, i have many in my "perfect" life that is a living lie and i have myself and only that in the real world of my nakedness and loneliness.
Maybe this is it, this is the hell that i was warned about when i was once innocent.
I died the day i lost my innocence and i was born again in the life of hell in a cell.
My life is a hell in a cell because i am imprisoned.
My whole body is marked and outlined by my past.
My thoughts of my past mistakes are locked in my brain and not willing to rest until i have no dignity left in me.

See what i mean?
I am not what you think i am.
I am not over my past.
I haven't overcome my flaws.
I have not found my confidence.
And i am not perfect at all and never will be.
But with time I will maybe be what i wish i could be and that is perfect in my eyes, unhaunted by my past and set  free by my thoughts.