Who am I
Who am I to think that it all will be ok.
When my heart is shattered for the first time
A million pieces on the floor
While I stand up confident and smiling
I'm shuttering and in excruciating pain inside

Who am I
To seem put together
To put on that plastic smile
That makes money and wins hearts
The smile that wins; the smile that takes

Who am I
To crush hearts
But when I myself am crushed
Be surprised at the anguish

Who am I
To just want to touch you
To just want to hold you and feel your warmth
To feel you there in my sleep
To once in my life not feel alone
You can run, you can go
Just a moment more with you would be worth a million heartaches and a million bruises
I'm broken inside, but I'd do it again just to kiss that beautiful face and feel ok for a moment more.


And so I drown into myself. My hard controlling self. But I have to breathe eventually. And I come up--gasping for air-- and pooling my tears around me; I remember how it feels to be broken. Then I pull myself down to drown once more. Covered in my plastic suffocation. I am safe. I will be safe. Blissful suffocation

Some are born to love
Some to be loved
And some are lucky enough to be born for both

At night I pour myself into my poetry and drawings.
(Even if it's not always successful)
I drink 3 cups of coffee a day
And coincidentally, I stay up past 4 in the morning.
The weekends are saved for daydreaming.

This month, the hours I spend alone far outshine the hours I spend with my friends.
I think I have more conversations with myself then with them.
Spring this year not only brings blossoms
But a new home too.
With fresh paint and cardboard boxes
I'm hoping distance will allow me to learn to live without you.

I've been trying, to forget how your face looks, and how your eyes are capable of changing tides.
I also need to stop comparing you to Gods
Because as we both know, you have flaws.
Reciprocity, is certainly one of them.

day 1
i first noticed the way your lips cave in. it happened when you said hello to me. and again when you said goodbye
day 3
nonstop smiley faces in the texts you sent me
day 6
you held my hand, you kissed me
day 7
one week went by and you already invited me to your house. i showed up unaware that i was going to meet your parents. i found out later you planned for this to happen. i mean as soon as i walked into your house, your mom pulled into the driveway.
day 8
you showed me around your town. where your first kiss was. where you slept one night when your dad kicked you out.
day 12
i remember how you came to my house, waited outside and called me on the phone to ask what i was doing. i told you that i was reading. you said to bring the book with me. i asked where we were going and after a few seconds of silence, you turned on the radio to my favorite band and innocently said, “i don't know”
day 23
you saw me play my music live for the first time. afterwards, you said i was the most talented girl you’ve ever met
day 26
you took me to 5 museums in one day. i learned a lot. well, about you
day 31
i found out that dogs make you happy. also that you’re allergic to bees and you have a birthmark on the left side of your lower back
day 56
you told me that letting go isn't the same as giving up, but that its the opposite of holding on
day 62
i was stressed. you came over, held me, and played guitar for awhile. i layed there and listened with my eyes closed
day 103
you said, “im just in love with the way you say my name” i responded by well, saying your name
day 111
you said, “this is realest thing ive ever had in my life”
day 122
i loved you
day 123
i loved you
day 124
i loved you even more
day 179
we spent the night on the beach. it wasn’t a typical family beach, or a place where you could to go with friends. we found it ourselves, we loved it and we made it ours
day 200
when i was little, my mom would always tell me to love without limits and on this day, i realized that you were the only reason i was able to succeed one of her expectations
day 240
i realized the amount of times you called went from twice a day to once, but only even numbered days of the month. the odd numbered ones you didn’t call at all. it was okay thoug. when we did talk, it was worth every minute of waiting
day 261
when i hadn’t heard from you in precisely 49 hours, i decided to call your mother. she said you have been spending a lot of time at school, that i shouldn’t worry about you or anything
day 279
i went to the drug store, bought 5 bars of your favorite candy and then went straight to your house but you weren’t there so i left them in your mailbox
day 280
no call
day 281
no call
day 282
no call
day 283
you called me. well, for 2 minutes. -hi! how are you -good -how was your day today? -good
day 296
i still loved you
day 304
i hadn’t heard from you in a week and a half
day 305
i hadn’t heard from you in a week and a half plus a day
day 328
i was going through some old cardboard boxes that i keep underneath my bed, i found one that had pictures we took together. you looked happy and i was in love with how happy you were
day 330
i decided to go to our beach but when i got there it was covered in trash so i left
day 340
i never missed anything more than the sight of seeing you dancing around in an empty parking lot
day 341
i decided to get in my car and drive without a destination. it was the closest way to get to you
day 362
i still loved you
day 363
i still loved you
day 364
i really still did love you
day 365
i did the opposite of holding on. i let go

Here.
Have this.
It's a key.
But not just any key.
Maybe it's a little rusty, a little old, a little worn.
But it's yours.
And maybe sometimes if you hold it, it jabs into your hand,
But it's yours.
And maybe one day you'll lose that little key,
and you won't know where it went.
But don't worry.
This key is yours.
This key will always be yours.
Because this key, this small, old, rusty key,
is the key to my heart.

You're just the right kind of dream to wake up to