I want to be wanted.
I want to be worth wanting.
To be desired, sought after, prized.
I want to be protected.
Not shielded, but jealously kept.
Not abused either... Just held.

I want someone to love me.

Sometimes I cry myself to sleep.
Tears of Blood,
Clear, and white,
Normal tears, but
I know they
are Blood.

You know how I know love is real?
I know love exists because, like love, you’re beautiful
You laugh, but it's true
Beauty is something both rare and astounding
Magnificent and special,
It is a moment in nature that is both rare and sudden,
Where you want to cry, not because you want to hold onto it forever, but because you know it is beautiful; and you feel peace and calm just from having enjoyed the few seconds of it.
I know love exists because, like love, you hurt.
Pain is the proof of life, but some tend bear more than others
Everyone has pain, but a feeling exists that allows others to have strength in taking on others' pain, So as to keep others safe and comfortable,
And nowhere is that more evident than in you.
I know love exists because, like love, your patient
Like a mother waiting for her child to stop crying, you wait, tenderly, supportively, yet passively, allowing space for healing and forgiveness that comes from this care
I know Love exist because, like love, your gone:
Love is internal in the moment,
But that moment will soon pass,
Only to be replaced by another and yet still another after that
So. I know love exists... Because you exist
And it would be a pity if you only existed for me in my mind
So you exist for the world, and that is why I know love exists
Because your touch is felt in the world
And your attention is given to the world
I would say I am jealous of the world…

Standing here... For the last time
I am consumed with the necessity to feel.

However, despite my best efforts I can do not but sit and observe
This strange lack of feeling
The black emptiness that flows around the others trimmed in gold.
I realize it is the one fact that remains after all the chaos
... I will miss this place.
Maybe not right this second,
Perhaps not even tomorrow.
But someday... one day... I will weep.
For these were some of the most beautiful days of existence.
And I had the privilege of living them.

This is me

I am from the wet and sticky.
I was born in the water, yet, somehow I ended up in the mud.

I am from the hopeful cooing's of my sisters,
From the moment when they had held me up,
They said 'you will be king'
They must have forgotten about the Fan...
As I raised my hands towards that light,
The sounds I heard in my head became the steady and rapid chop of the blades of disappointment and failure breaking upon my skin

I am from the school of Hard Knocks,
The place where you were kicked down,
In the fork of your legs ,
Until the moment when you become that which you ultimately feared...
One of them.

I am from the Pool where my grandpa's favor gave me the chance to learn, to swim, and to breath.
While my father's fear condemned me to sink.
I am from that walk on the shores of my birth, where the Geese lined up in flocks to usher in a greeting to their new king.

I am from her arms.
Where finally she says:
'You are enough'
'You. Are. Enough.'

I am from that little seed of doubt,
Forever ingrained upon my mind,
Picked at like the pieces of bread on the sidewalk,
I am from hesitation, and fear.
I am from walking forward.

I am from tomorrow,
And today.
I am from my mother, who never had the time.
I am from my father, who was no where to be found.

I am from being lost,
In the store and fearing that I had not only lost myself,
But lost the only way back home that I knew.

I am from being scooped up by my grandfather,
I am from the mirror they would point as the tears streaked down my face.
I am from the finger they would point at me and say:
'This is you.
Don't ever be afraid.
Don't ever be ashamed.'

This is me.

They say its Just for ***** and giggles.

For my Friends and Family,
they won't know the pain,
of waking up and dying every day
Wishing that you could just feel the same
as you did back in 5th grade,
with that smile on your face.

Now you just sit feeling like a disgrace
Needing, wanting, craving the fade away,
In the depths of your emotions,
of the simple,
the everyday

"We love you" you'll hear them say
All you want is for them to just stay away
Leave me alone till I turn grey
So I can grow lonely,
And sad
and decay

...Nay...

We should fight.
Fight for today,
So tomorrow I can gaze upon your face and well say:

****. How did we do that. How did we come this way?

Was it fate, that here we lay next to one another, as the sunlight fades.
Its life again, Im feeling brave
But your gone again, fore here Ill stay
A patient puppy waiting for the rain to go away
and the curtains to rise and reveal your open arms for me once more.

Wait. Please stay, there is no chance for me to go that way!
Please wait, Stay,
Ive already had enough of change,
If I desire anything its that you change the words you say.

But I love you. and Here Ill stay,
patiently awaiting our reunion days.
If I must Ill fade away,
So I can save you the happiness
of my lost days

Life passes by without a second glance,
They say if you blink,
Well then you'll miss your chance.
And now here I am left to think,
That perchance, all she had ever wanted to do was to dance.

Black.
Forgotten.
Something that was never missed.
I'm left trembling,
Begging to let it go again.

I am Lost in the sea of my own consciousness,
Without an Ark or raft to save me from the Flood.
I drift.
I drown.
I am Lost.

Left, retreating after countless defeats in battle,
My forces begin to whisper the seeds of doubt.
How can this conflict be justified?
All the innocence lost in the blaze.

For, while I no longer can fear death,
The answer to that question stares me down,
Like a wolf... eyeing a rabbit.

...still... I fight on.
...Still I will Win.
If for nothing else to drag the innocence out,
Of the crossfire that rages in my mind...

And through the haze, and the smoke, and the flames...
There sits a boy.
Lost.
Forgotten.
Black.

This is where I shall stand.
Against life's currents.
Where I can dig my toes in the sand.

***** the walls of my castle.
The seat of power for this land.
Though the resistance might hassle.
I will stand tall.
It is not by birth.
But by right, that I should rule them all.

Crimes they may cry.
Crimes against us all!
Yet even though they still call for my fall.
My trial... Is one that is indeed open to all.

Mistakes and my blunders a plenty.
Secrets and regrets to many.
I am not without remorse.
I am not above my own law,
I made it after all.

But here I shall stand against the thrall
To reclaim my throne.
To bring peace to us all.
I know not what will come.
Or what people will think.

But I know this one fact...
I will try to be the best King.
The best that I can be.

Death is like lightning.
It can come like a thief in the night,
My heart is broken every time I try and fight it.
Weeping in solitude,
At the emptiness laying on my bed.
It's just dripping with tears from the faucet.

Oh, How I missed you so,
In the Deep and Dark.

Where I may start to tremble,
You're tell-tale mark.

Oh, why do I so seldom allow you,
To approach me and control me.
Roll me into a ball.

You're an indomitable beast.
Whose whim consumes me,
Initiates my fall,
I thought this was done.

I fancied you gone,
Lost in the wind.

But here I am. At wits end.
I discover its only for you my knees will bend.
The Deep and Dark.

Lost and screaming,
I gaze at the young child as it pulls on its mothers arms,
She who is tired and weary attempts to calm the child,
Heroic... but futile. The child wants a new lego set, and by the look on his mothers face it seems like he might get it.

He knows not of the pain she felt when she brought him into this world.
He knows not of the sacrifices,
Nor the hardships.

When he is older perhaps he will feel guilt. Or remorse.
For now, he knows joy.
Joy as his mother lifts down the set into his outreached arms like deliverance its self.

I chuckle to myself, and sip my drink.
Out of the corner of my eye I see another small child,
Standing alone amongst a sea of strangers.

She is looking around, confused at first,
Then her gaze grows more frantic as the moments pass.
Her lip begins to quiver, and a small diamond falls down her cheek.
She does not cry.
She does not move.

Of course she is not aware that her mother is merely feet away browsing the aisles,
but to her... to her she is lost.
Lost to all those around her.
Invisible and alone.

Of course this only lasts for a few moments until her mother returns with open arms and and a warm smile.

I pay for my drink and stand up to leave.
In many ways I relate to the children.
Constantly grasping for something new. Unheard of, exciting.
Seeking guidance and protection, Respite from the flow of life.

I may be dead inside,
I may be rotting,
But Ill keep walking,
until I find you again

Summer Leaves begin to Roll,
Like the Gentle Breath of the waves on a Smooth and sandy Beach,
While Enchantment Steals thy breath away from those star crossed Lovers,
And already I feel the steady and Persistent tug of my Mind,
Slipping and Falling from that Gentle Longing of what could be,
Into the Cold, Dark, and Gloomy reality of what truly is.
Although the Innocence of my Ignorance will soon Fade Away,
I take private comfort in the realm of my Dreams...
And the Future they *Pretend to Hold.

This is me

I am from the wet and sticky.
I was born in the water, yet, somehow I ended up in the mud.

I am from the hopeful cooing's of my sisters,
From the moment when they had held me up,
They said 'you will be king'
They must have forgotten about the Fan...
As I raised my hands towards that light,
The sounds I heard in my head became the steady and rapid chop of the blades of disappointment and failure breaking upon my skin

I am from the school of Hard Knocks,
The place where you were kicked down,
In the fork of your legs ,
Until the moment when you become that which you ultimately feared...
One of them.

I am from the Pool where my grandpa's favor gave me the chance to learn, to swim, and to breath.
I am from that walk on the shores of my birth, where the Geese lined up in flocks to usher in a greeting to their new king.

I am from her arms.
Where finally she says:
'You are enough'
'You. Are. Enough.'


This is me

I am from that little seed of doubt,
Forever ingrained upon my mind,
Picked at like the pieces of bread on the sidewalk,
I am from hesitation, and fear.
I am from walking forward.

I am from tomorrow,
And today.
I am from my mother, who never had the time.
I am from my father, who was no where to be found.

I am from being lost,
In the store and fearing that I had not only lost myself,
But lost the only way back home that I knew.

I am from being scooped up by my grandfather, and my grandmother.
I am from the mirror that would show the tears streaking down my face.
I am from the finger that would point at me and say:
'This is you.
Don't ever be afraid.
Don't ever be ashamed.'

This is me.