I slipped into oblivion
And for a minute or two I held hands with death
What separated us was nothing but murky water; Hade's Lethe
My fingers reached up
Or was it down?
They intertwined with his
He bent his Cimmerian face through the separating waters
His night colored lips briefly rested against mine
But not for long enough
I loitered on his doorstep just long enough for my heartbeat to recede, my breath to become  shallow~
And then I awoke
I crashed up through the pressing weight of the deep, black water
Death's sweet embrace was broken

February 28th marks the day
That I am, miraculously, a year clean-
Clean from the monstrosity known as
self harm

The blood has long since dried, wiped away by time
The scars are there, but old, the stories that have long since been told-
engraved in flesh, have healed
     The pages of that painful novel are now faded, but the reminder is still clear
But, I fold
My cards are on the table now- pure honesty
The blades have been tossed
out into the sea
       However
Even though I'm clean of this
I would not say, that I am free

The struggle
Temptation
Torment
What else could set me free?

But I know,
The very thing that frees me
Is the very thing that binds me
And leaves a ****** stain called  addiction
Not just on my wrists or hips
But inside my frame
My mind is not the same

We return with our bleeding hearts held in our hands
Our broken and fragmented souls
There's nothing we can do
There is no way to mend ourselves
    We try our best-
We cut our skin to shreds
     Maybe it'll stop the bleeding mess inside our heads
We drink our worries away
     Only to wake up, still burdened by the day
We embrace the highs that don't last and pills that don't pay, fulfill, consummate
      To no avail
We seek to perfect
       Maybe if we try our best...
We turn to death as an answer
      There seems no other way
   I can't stay

We look for a purpose
In all the wrong places
pain to fight the pain, drugs to drown the day, suicide to light the way
But it's not enough
Still we lay, a bleeding broken mess
With nothing left to give, nothing left to say

Yet
Still He welcomes us home
Still He heals
The one, true and only way
to find unity and peace
On our blackest and loneliest days
There is a Power
That can heal
Every single wound you have
It just takes a little
Trust

After I have told you so much
Laid down so much in front of you
My struggles
Dreams
Needs
Wants
Secrets
I've opened up
I've let you see into my soul
The darkest parts
The foolishness
The stupid, giddy side of me
The things I wouldn't dare to dream of telling someone else
I chose
To open up
I made the choice
To trust
Again
And look
Once again

Lies have broken me

I have this canny little part of me
That somehow chooses to open up to people
Who LIE
And the lies are what hurt the most

Last night I had a dream
       That you killed yourself
    And when I awoke
just the thought of it
       Made the tears overflow
My heart literally felt like it was ripped to shreds
    And I laid there in my bed
     And wept
And the worst part was
    The fact that it's actually one of my greatest fears
       The fact that it could happen
The fact that I can imagine
   that phone call
Or the grim look on my parents faces as I get into the car
Or the silent summon from the door of the classroom
But you made me a promise
      And I'm holding you to that

I was never actually good enough
You always wanted me to change
You said that that was love
And maybe it is
But maybe it's not

You hung on because you feared it was your last chance
To ever find someone like me
Someone who can love you

And I know that you're wrong
You will find her
And I hope with all my heart that she loves you with an inconceivable passion
I hope that her spirit will spark in you something that you've never known
That she will be all that you could ever ask for
And so much more
Someone who won't need to change for you
Or be better for your sake
But someone who will make you better,
For your own sake.

I hope that she will be more understanding than I ever was
I hope that she will give without hesitation
I hope that she will listen to what you're really saying
I hope that she will know exactly how to help you
That she will be patient and kind
But I also hope with all my heart
That she can hold her own
So that you will never wear her down- because she will love you, and love can do may a strange thing to people's minds.

And for me, part of healing is being able to listen to certain music and not cry anymore.
It takes time
It takes time for the memories to not be as fresh
Because even the good ones hurt
It takes time to slowly put in those head phones and be able to breathe when a certain song shuffles on
It takes time to know that you can remain emotionally stable when you want to listen to a certain artist
It takes time to be rewire your brain, and say "this is okay" this music that once connected me to him, still does, just in a different way
And that's okay

My dear,
Love ***** you up
I've seen it time and time again
And still, I fail to understand
Why we do this to ourselves

For days
We're in a constant craze
Nothing else is on our minds
But that one person

That one stupid boy-
Who walks all over you
Who lies and cheats and truly, doesn't meet your needs
He has you on your knees
He won't set you on your feet
But you won't leave

No respect, just a bunch of ******* you don't deserve
But still
Even though you see the dagger poised
You leave your heart in his hands
Because he has a beautiful tongue
And his apologies are gold spun

We lie to ourselves just as much as those good for nothing ******* lie to us
A lie to justify every deceitful thing that slips past his lips
Lies keep you company
On those dark and lonely nights
But a lie can never hide the truth forever
And sooner or later
We all have to admit
That we've been blindsided by love, once again.

You just have these spells sometimes
   These moods
       Maybe you forgot your medicine
   Maybe it's just a bad week
But you're depressed and sad and lonely
           And you write more poetry
   It's beautiful
And sad
When you fall into these moods
When you have those days
I have no idea what to do
     Because what words could make you feel better?
    None that I could speak
What utterance of mine,
could be eloquent and meaningful enough to make you feel a bit better?
       Would it make a difference if I said anything?
    I just want to see you happy
       Because I care tremendously
And when you're feeling pretty good
     it makes me happy as well
         Because all I really want
            Is to know that you're doing fine, enjoying life, and happy.

It actually still hurts to touch or write on my scars
I'm just trying
To turn them into something beautiful
But my skin resents the touch of anything but a cold metal blade

Don't go looking for sadness
Because sadness will always find you

when I'm actually happy
And I mean truly Happy,
not a temporary state of the word-
But Free and Content
It's like being able to breathe again

it's odd, and I feel a sort of expectancy
That the darkness will return
And it will
But I can't let that weigh on me
Or let it deter me from enjoying life
Might as well ride the wave while it lasts
And make the most of whatever comes next

I've quit being bad
Because the only boy I want to be bad for
Is you

Its funny,  
You brought out the best in me
But also, the dirtiest bits
Both are sides that only you have seen

Oh what I would do for you
And for no one else
If only you actually knew

The truth is that letting go of you has not been an easy task
Time has not been kind
    To my fragile mind

Sadness reverberates inside my chest with every heartbeat when I think of you

Some days I flare with anger
Some days I crumble with the pain
Some days I'm fine

The memories are happy
But I try my best to suppress them
Because all they do is fill me with an aching, empty feeling

truth is--
I miss you,
I miss us
     But
The truth is
That you don't

The truth is
That I should be over you
Truth is
I'm not

To find someone
Who loves me
As much as you did then
Seems
At the moment
impossible


It seemed as if
We were a match
Made in heaven
Ironically

I just wanted to prove that I would be optimistic
FOR YOU
that I would work at it
FOR YOU

But I have proved nothing
Except that I am no different from the last girl
I didn't want for there to be a next girl
I wanted to be the best girl
And the baddest
That I could be
For you

Flares of jealousy-
Rage
But then I'm reminded
That you're no longer mine
To claim

"Just until I'm thin enough"*
She will say until the day that she is nothing but a bag of brittle bones.

Red lines
On my skin
Representing
All that's within

I'm a better person today than I was the day that I met you
Maybe not more pure or innocent or unbroken
But I've grown  
And I don't think I would've changed in the ways that I have if I had never met you

I'm sorry though
That you had to know me at such a time
That you suffered for my sake
For all the pain that I caused
I was selfish, immature, unready and uncommitted
I do have regrets, from my time with you  

But I can honestly say, that I wouldn't take a minute of it back
We made mistakes, that's for sure
But I learned an immeasurable amount
And for that, I thank you
I just hope that you can forgive me,
That I can forgive myself
So that these memories aren't bitter, that rememberane of you might taste a bit sweeter, and less like a stabbing ache in my heart.